Cruella kills the garden, I try and rescue it, and the chickens are on the Hollywood Diet

I’ve been away, not for long, but long enough for Cruella (my wife) to try and destroy the garden. Despite the fact that I leave copious instruction notes she still manages to kill things. On top of all that her bloody chickens are now on the worlds most expensive diet. I think it is all becoming too much for me, I may abandon the garden and take up stamp collecting. On with the gardening; for now, including:

• Repairing the garden
• Dealing with plant disease before winter
• Reshaping my olive tree
• Dealing with fruit issues
• Coping with Prima Donna chickens

6th October 2023. Things I have been doing lately:

Repairing the garden. When I left for my short absence the garden was in superb condition. However, upon my return there was neglect and decay everywhere. I honestly thought of calling up the RHS helpline to report Cruella and hopefully get her a lifetime ban from ever owning a garden.

One of the main problems was the lawn. Cruella had allowed it to grow feral as she claimed that her girls prefer long grass. The photos below show the lawn before and after I cut it all back.

Perhaps the worst item of neglect was the death of my poor little advocado cutting. I had been growing this on for two years from a stone, and I was thinking of planting it in the ground in the autumn. The photo below shows what is left of it.

Dealing with plant disease before winter. Now is the time to go round and inspect all of your perennial plants before winter. This is an important process before the plants go into hibernation for the winter season. Any disease that your plant is harbouring will go on causing harm when the plant is in hibernation, and in many cases can be fatal. My inspection found me two typical cases that needed dealing with.

The first involved a lovely Dipladenia that had been happily growing up a trellis for a couple of years. It had got itself a severe case of Mealy Bug, which with its sticky honeydew droppings had caused considerable leaf drop. I had sprayed a couple of times to no avail, so now it was time to take drastic action and cut back. Don’t be afraid to cutback plants to near the ground to get rid of pests. In most cases this will invigorate your plant and give it a fresh start. The photos below show the Dipladenia in its diseased state and then with its new start in life.

My second disease problem was on a lovely Jasmine which grows up the corner of my house on wires. This stalwart reliable plant got itself a bad case of mildew. Now Jasmine normally die back and look a bit dead this time of year, but in this case the leaves were not dry and crisp, instead they were powdery and limp. This was obviously caused by the high humidity this year, and can normally be cured by spraying, but it was too far gone and too late in the year, so it had to be drastically pruned. If you have to do this don’t worry, Jasmine doesn’t mind being taken back to the ground every few years. The photos below show the Jasmine before and after.

Reshaping my olive tree. Once you have cloud pruned olive trees into the shape you want them, then you need to trim them up about three times a year to keep them sharp. The photos below show my olive tree before and after it’s smartening up.

Dealing with fruit issues. This year has been fantastic for fruit, and there is still a bumper crop of oranges and lemons to come. However, in the meantime keep picking and processing fruit on a daily basis. I still have lots of figs and persimmons galore, with pomegranates yet to come. The first photo below shows my daily haul of figs, the second shows my little persimmon tree with its final fruits and lastly my pomegranates waiting to be harvested. Remember, if possible leave your pomegranates till they go red. Don’t worry if they split a bit, as these are one of the few fruits you can still eat after splitting because of their compartmentalisation.

Sadly, I have to report the only fruit I have had a problem with this year is my little white peach tree. I have grown this from a cutting and this would have been it’s first year fruiting. There was an abundance of fruit on the tree and I was looking forward to a bumper harvest. But unfortunately the heavy rain last month caused the fruit to swell and split its skin. The first photo below shows my little tree bursting with fruit, but as you can see in the second photo, all of it split. Oh well that is gardening, there is always next year; God willing.

Coping with Prima Donna chickens. While I was away Cruella (my wife) has become even more indulgent with her chickens. When I returned she explained that her girls were now on a new expensive diet which she said had been recommended by a Hollywood Chicken influencer (I didn’t know there was such a thing). This diet consists of individually roasted insects which come in very expensive little packets. When I queried why I still only got porridge and Tango the lonely blind Labrador is still fed Chappie, she accused me of trying to give her girls food issues.

The new food was only the start, she then confessed that the chickens have been having exercise classes with a personal trainer. She explained it was called Tai Chicken and was a variant of Tai Chi specially for chickens (I didn’t know there was such a thing). When I said that sounded like Thai Chicken she burst into tears. Anyway, the end result is I have no money left and the chickens are strutting around in designer leggings feeding on designer chicken insect caviar. The photo below shows the chickens and their insect buffet; if you look closely you can see their leggings.