The last thing I tackle in my winter cutback is to prune back my big ficus tree. This sits majestically in a gravelled area on part of my front garden. The pruning is a mammoth task mainly because the ficus gets bigger year by year whilst I get smaller over the same time frame. Those of you who regularly follow this blog will remember that I pruned this tree back to a donut effect over 13 years ago by cutting out the central trunk to create a hole in the middle into which I inserted a statue of the Cheshire Cat from Alice’s Adventure in Wonderland.
The big ficus has always seen this reshaping as an affront to its dignity, and as such has sought to punish me over the years by various means including:
- Becoming infested with wooly aphids and many other creatures
- Deliberately dropping its leaves to make the gravel area untidy
- Tripping me up in its roots
- Throwing me off my ladder when I am entering the centre of the tree
Anyway let’s get on with the gardening:
24th February 2025. Things I have been doing lately:
- Pruning the big Ficus
- Surviving chicken assisination attempts
Pruning the big Ficus. An important part of my pre-pruning ritual is to build up my courage by pre-prune psyching out. This is a bit like boxers at the weigh in. We stare at each other, I strike postures around the tree and issue a series of blood curdling threats. For its part the tree just waits silently knowing its time is coming. To be honest my pre-prune ritual was hindered by Cruella’s (my wife) chickens constantly mocking me and deliberately making “chicken” sounds. The first two photos below show the terror of the big Ficus, the final photo shows the centre of the tree overgrown and ready for reshaping.
The first stage in pruning is to begin to open up the centre of the tree to let light in. This involves using long reach electric trimmers. The photo below shows the first few trimmings. Note the two trugs at the base of the tree these are to protect existing plants from damage.
I then move on to trimming the sides of the tree.This takes place in two stages.The first stage involves me walking around the tree trimming up the bottom half and underneath before standing on my platform to trim the top half. The photos below show the action.
When the sides are finished the tree begins to take shape. The photos below show the sides trimmed and ready for the top and inside to be cut.
Getting up inside the tree is the bit that I dread most. I have to climb the ladder then stand at the centre of the tree precariously balancing on the main branches whilst reaching out with the long trimmers to get at the farthest branches. This year has been more precarious than most for chicken related reasons that I outline later. The photos below show me in action. Where you can’t see me, I’m in the middle of the tree.
The final act is the big clean up. I do this over a couple of days so that most of the moisture has gone out of the cut leaves making them easier to gather up. The photo below shows the official end of the big cut back and the declaration that Spring has come.
The chickens try to assassinate me. I didn’t like to mention this when I was telling you about the big tree, as I was a bit upset and emotional. It all started about two weeks ago when Cruella (my wife) casually mentioned the British government’s “Assisted Dying Bill”. She enquired. Whether I had given any thought to perhaps not being a burden to her and her girls.
Since then she has asked me to sign various documents, I don’t quite know what they are for, but she has assured me they are just admin and nothing to worry about. Evidently it turns out we might be going to Switzerland for a holiday. I only became suspicious when I found the tickets and I haven’t got a return.
Since signing those documents I have had a few near miss accidents, things have fallen on me, my food has tasted funny and my electric blanket appears to have been rewired. I have started taking precautions and the only place I felt safe was in the garden hiding by the compost bins.
That all changed when I was cutting back the big tree. When I was up the ladder I could see Cruella and her chickens close by in deep conspiratorial discussion. Suddenly without any warning the chickens all charged at the ladder. Screaming in Chickenese “banzai” (I know that’s Japanese, but that’s what it sounded like). I only survived by clinging to the tree as the ladder fell away.
Cruella apologised, and I accepted that accidents happen, and I wouldn’t have minded but it happened twice more. On the last occasions I was left up the tree for 6 hours. When eventually I got down I found Cruella and the chickens had remodelled my bedroom and thrown all my clothes out. I am consulting a solicitor.
Spanish Garden 
The tree looks great. The trimming was more like a construction project than a lopping, but you survived it. I once had a large Ficus in my den that had 12 foot ceilings, which the tree sensed and grew to the ceiling requiring me to move it to the courtyard, which the 105 degree Texas heat killed it. Time or the chickens to go in the pot, that’s the best place for them. Gotta love chicken soup.
LikeLike
Phil it has got worse. Cruella is at our English house and I have been left instructions to give each chicken four grapes in the morning as it aids their digestion.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sending you some sympathy vibes from Texas. My late, Sainted grandmother, a farm wife, had a herd of chickens. She lost count along the way, but my uncle estimated around 500 or so, all free range and feral. She sold the eggs to the country feed store in town and made a nice extra income. I would spend six weeks with my grandparents every summer, becoming a certified country hick. We had chicken for lunch, supper, and sometimes for breakfast. Everything we ate contained eggs. Like you, I’ve been subjected to chicken rage. Caught in the middle of the chicken range during feeding, I was set upon by a hundred or more. I climbed a Mesquite tree to escape the angry mob. They tend to join forces and as you know, they can be devious. Best of luck, and post pictures of your garden in the spring. That Ficus is majestic.
LikeLike