This post is really a continuation of the second stage of the big cutback set out in the last post. By now I should have been on to the third stage of pruning the Roses, but two things have been distracting me. Firstly, Cruella (my wife) flew home from our English house and her visit with our idiot son. Secondly, I spend most nights keeping vigil with the flowering (and dying) Attenuata mentioned in the last post (more later).

Cruella’s flight home was more eventful than normal. Usually she just flys straight home and lands in a tree in our wild wood were she perches till the morning. However, low cloud meant that I had to lay out a landing strip for her on the lawn with tea lights. Unfortunately she overshot and landed in the big mulberry tree. Thank goodness the tree is ok. The photo below shows the lawn as I laid it out according to her instructions, goodness knows how she missed.

15th December. Things I have been doing lately:

🪚 Pruning Dame de Noche. Everyone in Spain should have at least one dame de noche planted close to their sitting areas. The scent from this night scented Jasmine is intoxicating. However, to keep the plant flowering and providing you with that lovely scent, then you have to do a bit of pruning.

The pruning you should be doing now is the big prune. You need to cut the plant back by at least two thirds, just leaving a mound of shaped stems to form the New Years growth. The easiest way to do this is to firstly use electric hedge trimmers to take it back to create a basic mound of stems. Then using lopers get into the stems and prune out any that are dead or crossing .

The first photo below shows the dame de noche in its unpruned state. The second shows the lopers getting to work. The final photo shows the finished pruned plant. This will grow by at least six foot this year. (Click on each photo for a larger view).

🪓 Cutting back fountain grass. All grasses need to be pruned back heavily once each year if you hope to keep them looking their best. Nothing looks worse than a grass that has been left unpruned as the overall effect is of a floppy misshapen mound. By cutting back your grasses now you will ensure fast new growth with tall stems standing and waving in the wind. The photos below shows my fountain grass before and after its annual prune. (Click on each photo for a larger view).

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⚔️ Pruning back Pink Trumpet vine. Regular readers of this blog will know that instead of fully cutting down dead palm trees, I instead use them as a prop for climbing plants such as Trumpet vine. This gives you a tremendous aerial display of flowers in what would otherwise be an arid stump sticking out of the ground. Most of my Trumpet vines are in my hedges and they won’t be cutback till January as they are mixed in with other hedging. But in this case it is a stand alone plant which is part of the structural look of the garden. The photos below show the plant before and after its cutback. (Click on each photo for a larger view).

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🍷 Pruning grapevines. This year has not been a good one for my grapevines. To be honest they haven’t even got going so I was glad to prune them back as I feel guilty every time I look at them. With grapevines the technique is very simple just trim off all side shoots leaving just the main stem of the vine. Over the years the main stem of the vine will become very thick and strong. When the weather warms up in the Spring it will send out new fruit bearing side shoots.

I have three grapevines. The main one grows along the front of the house and I have trained it on wires. Unfortunately because this one grows so close to the wall it tends to suffer from mildew in late Summer; nevertheless I grow it more for ornamental purposes rather than fruit. The other two grow along the swimming pool balustrade and because of air flow never get mildew. You can see the before and after photos below. (Click on each photo for a larger view).

🧛 Scarifying the lawn. This time of year, when the grass has stopped growing, is a good time to deal with the thatch of dead grass that will impede new growth next Spring. I have a scarifying machine that is so fierce and noisy that I dread bringing it out each year. The machine has fearsome rollers with scarifying tines that scratch at the grass accompanied with slitting knives that cut into the lawn; it is like something out of “Game of Thrones”. I basically start it up then hang on behind it as it rampages around the lawn covering me in a thick layer of dust and grass. The end result looks like the Sahara desert, which I then finish off by hand scarifying. The photo below shows what I call my desertification process.

☠️ Tending to the flowering Agave Attenuata. I asked Cruella to take this photo of me with the flowering (but dying) Attenuata. It is just so that I can show her babies what their mother looked like in all her glory. I will keep you informed of progress; I wanted to post daily bulletins on our gates but Cruella won’t let me.

The above heading gives only a flavour of the excitement we gardeners have to deal with on a daily basis. But before I get you involved in the adrenaline rush of this post. Let’s remember what we are up to. Todays post covers the next stage of the big annual cutback. Remember there are five stages:

• Initial cutback for structure and shape (covered in the last post)
• Cutting back large shrubs and climbers including tidying up (this post)
• Pruning Roses and cutting back grasses
• Pruning back flowering hedges
• Tackling trees

5th December. Things I have been doing lately:

🐀 It’s true the mice have eaten my water feature. Regular readers of this blog will remember that I created a stream like water feature a couple of years ago. Up until now it has been happily flowing along. However, I made the mistake of turning it off whilst I was away as I did not trust Cruella (my wife) to keep it topped up. Anyway the upshot is that when I came back I topped it up and turned it on. Imagine my consternation when the water did not flow down the stream, but just disappeared.

I spent two weeks dismantling various parts of the water feature including moving more rocks than the slaves building the great pyramid. However, only to discover that whilst I was away some mice had been happily chewing on my pond liner. I confronted Cruella with the damage and demanded to know if she knew anything about it. She looked hurt at this suggestion and vehemently denied any involvement saying she knew nothing about mice; commenting as she left “I’ve only got my rats”. This first photo below shows early dismantling efforts to find the leak. The second photo shows mice damage.

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🌿 Trimming back Jasmine. If you have Jasmine you will know that it is a lovely plant for its flowers, perfume and climbing ability. However, if you are not careful, as your plant grows up, the top part will flop over and disguise the fact that it is killing the growth underneath. What looks like a healthy green plant can become completely brown underneath. In addition you need to make sure that Jasmine does not get into your gutters or under your roof tiles.

The first two photos below show the Jasmine folding over at the top and also threatening to get into my gutters and under the roof tiles.

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The next two photos show the Jasmine trimmed back and ready to continue flowering without tearing the house down.

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🍁 Clearing up leaves. We are not quite in the season of the big leaf clear up. However, it is important that you clear at least some leaves up as you go along. If you have a lawn then the fallen leaves will kill off your grass. Now I recognise that not many people have a lawn in Spain but you still need to clear leaves from gravelled areas as they will break down into a fine mulch and provides good growing medium for weeds. The two photos below show my early stage leaf cleanup.

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Now as you probably know leaf mould provides a lovely composting material which I will deal with in my up and coming big compost special; “be still my beating heart”. In the meantime gather up the leaves and store them in plastic sacks. All you have to do at this stage is prick the sacks all over with a garden fork and store them in a shady area of the garden. The photo below shows my entry in the best pricked sack competition 2020.

🙏 Death of my Agave Attenuata. The Queen of Agaves, the Attenuata is a favourite Agave here in Spain. It has lovely large green leaves and no spikes or teeth. The plant grows for about 20 years and then flowers. The flowering process is astounding. Suddenly the plants leaves begin to distort into a swirl at its centre, and then it begins to grow a flowering raceme (flowering spike) from its centre. This grows over the weeks and eventually will be over 2 metres long. The plant then flowers. However, the sad bit is that it then dies. The only saving feature of this death bed tableau is that as the Attenuata dies it is surrounded by its babies that all grow from its base. It is a moving scene and makes me cry every time I pass it.

The photos below shows the various stages of the Attenuata as it grows its raceme. Note the babies clustered around the base looking up at their mother, it is a scene reminiscent of the famous painting death of St Clare. I will not of course record the death; it would be unseemly.

Those of you who read my last post will know that Cruella (my wife) had failed to take care of the garden in my absence. The resulting row resulted in her staying in her room all night and refusing to come out. In the morning when I took in her normal morning cup of bone gruel she was gone. I knew she hadn’t been gone long because her perch was still slightly warm. Once I saw her favourite purple broomstick was missing I knew she had fled to England to seek consolation with our idiot son. This was confirmed later in the day when the booby trap she had left for me went off in the shed and covered me in dead rats and bat excrement, but at least there was a lovely note attached.

Moving on and putting aside Cruella’s antics it’s time to discuss one of the most important periods in the gardening calendar. During November and December you should be reshaping and bringing back structure to your garden before you begin the big January cutback. This means cutting back all that lush Summer growth that has now gone floppy and brown. It also means clearing the lines in your garden to give it shape, structure and order. In November you should concentrate on shrubs, perennials, paths and sight lines and you should also start to clear up leaves. Next month we will be looking at Roses, borders and splitting plants; but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

19th November. Things I have been doing lately:

⛅️ Cloud pruning Ficus. I have a number of cloud pruned plants in my garden. I do this because they give otherwise clumpy plants an eye catching structure that gives form to the garden and adds a point of interest. The Ficus in question sits at the edge of the drive in my dry garden and over the year will gradually get out of shape. As Ficus is relatively slow growing this once a year haircut keeps it in shape.

The first photo below shows the Ficus in its overgrown state. The second shows it newly reshaped. Don’t ask me what the shape is, I call it “Venus at rest” Cruella calls it fat lady with a big bosom. I deliberately expose some of the trunk as it is a lovely white colour and it glares out in the Sun. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

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🦜 Tidying up Bird of Paradise (Strelitzia). This plant is a Spanish garden favourite and can be found in most gardens growing in a large clump. To keep this plant looking its best you need to periodically remove outer stems and dead growth. This along with regular deadheading will give you a plant with year round interest that adds real structure to your garden. The first photo below shows the Streletzia in its overgrown, floppy and generally untidy state. The second shows it mid prune, and the final photo shows it standing upright as a real garden statement. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

🛏 Putting Canna to bed. Now is the time to cutback your Canna to ensure the rhizomes (ugly bulbs) can begin to swell during the Winter ready to burst with growth in a couple of months. Apart from a bit of mistreatment by Cruella the Canna are basically left to die back so that all the goodness from the leaves can be drawn back down into the rhizome. Once this has been achieved they should look like the photos below. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

Once they are in this state the trick is to cut them back to the correct size. If you cut them back too short right to the ground then heavy rain would mean they get waterlogged and rot. If you cut them back but leave the stems too long, then they will still think they can grow this year and will try to put on foliage which in turn will deplete the rhizome for next years flowering . The correct “Goldilocks” length is about 4-6 inches. Which will tell the plant flowering is over for this year and still leave the stems long enough to stop water logging. The photos below show the correct lengths. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

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🐲 Dealing with brutish Oleander. Although Oleander is one of my favourite plants, left to itself it just becomes an unshapely brute which adds no real structure or form to your garden. Here in our village of Campoverde in Spain most of the gardens have clumps of Oleander. But they never see the best of the plant as it is just left to grow into an amorphous shapeless lump that only gets noticed when it flowers. Kept shapely the Oleander will provide form and structure to your garden even when it is not flowering.

I have two Oleander in different areas of my garden. I planted both of them about 8 years ago and they have been sitting there slowly but surely growing and flowering. Then suddenly over the last year one of them turned into a brute overwhelming a small border of Aeonium Schwarzkopf, whilst the other proceeded to flop in an unsightly manner. The first photo below shows the brute overwhelming the poor Aeonium, whilst the second shows the Fosbury Flop. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

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The photos below show both plants cut back. I know this looks cruel, but by doing this at this time of year you will allow for new growth and subsequent flowering next year. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

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🌳 Reshaping the Californian False Pepper. There are not many trees that you reshape at this time of the year, but the false pepper is one. This is another plant which is quite common in our village. In my garden the false pepper provides a real statement as it draws your eye down the drive as you enter our property. In most gardens these can be allowed to grow into what looks like a Weeping Willow. But in my case it is too close to the swimming pool and it’s long tendril like stems get whipped about by wind and cover my swimming pool area in thousands of tiny leaflets.

To overcome this problem I had the tree professionally pollarded last year and now intend to maintain it in an attractive weeping form, but without all the attendant mess. The first photo shows the tree getting ready to get away from me and become a messy giant once again. The second photo shows it pruned back. I know it doesn’t look quite right, but give it a couple of weeks and it will be lovely again. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

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🌿 Adding to the compost bin. As I walk around our village I see numerous bags of garden waste left out for the local Ayuntiemiento to collect and recycle. Yet strangely the same people who leave garden waste out for recycling will happily drive 5 miles to a garden centre to buy bags of compost for their garden. By getting yourself a cheap compost bin you can recycle most of your garden waste and turn it into lovely compost that you won’t need to buy. I am not going to go on about composting here as it is almost time for my annual composting special post and I don’t want to spoil your excitement. The photo below shows one of my compost bins filling up with the all the prunings and cuttings from today.

What do you mean you didn’t know I had been away! I have been touring Italy with our idiot son. I visited all the famous sites in antiquity and I have seen more museums and cathedrals than would have been thought humanly possible. The idiot son seemed to be enjoying himself as well until I found out that all the time he was playing Pokemon Go, he told me “Pickachu” was Italian for lovely and I believed him until I looked it up.

Anyway leaving aside the splendour that is Italy, let’s talk gardening. I’m afraid it is bad news all round. I foolishly left Cruella (my wife) in charge of the garden whilst I was away for about a month. I left her implicit written instructions for every day of the week and we had a practice tour of the garden before I left. To be honest I blame myself and I should have learnt from her previous efforts . Who could forget the great tomato tragedy of 2018, or the desiccated plant debacle of 2019. The outcome from my absence is that Cruella has managed to destroy swathes of the garden. I have decided to detail just a few of her malfeasance below.

☠️ A possibly dead Solanum. Regular readers of this blog will know that I have grown this solanum from a donated cutting. I have trained it to majestically entwine around our outside kitchen and over the last few years it has been a plant superstar. The first photo below shows what I returned to find.

I have checked the stems and I think there is still life locked in there so I have cut back the branching tendrils. If nothing happens by Spring then I will cut it back to the ground to see if we can coax it back. The photo below shows my first cutback .

🗿 The potting bench massacre. When I left I begged Cruella to carefully nurture the cuttings on the potting bench. In particular I was proud of a Hoya that was coming on well along with a special Rose and a Plumbago. When I came back half the plants had disappeared. Cruella said there was a strong wind one night and they must have blown away! The first photo shows the potting bench before I went away, whilst the second shows the remnants moved into the Sun to recuperate after their period of neglect. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🐛 White fly encrusted Ficus. Variegated Ficus as most of you will know is very slow growing so any set back means it takes a long time to recover. When I left this little Ficus which is about 10 years old was resplendent in its variegated foliage. When I returned I found the worst case of “Ficus neglect” I have ever seen. If it was a child you would have reported its parents to the NSPCC. The photo below shows the plants sorry state after being feasted on by a plague of white fly.

🧟‍♂️ Seriously unwell Canna. Normally at this time of year Canna are dying back and all the goodness from the leaves is being drawn back down into the rhizomes (ugly bulbs). This is a managed process whereby you need to give them just enough water to see this process through. Too much water and they will rot. Too little and the leaves will dry up before they can impart their goodness to the rhizomes. The photos below show how well Cruella managed this process. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🐕‍🦺 Nero has dug up the lawn. Regular readers will know that we have two marauding Labradors who if left to themselves will happily take the garden apart. Nero the black Labrador has a penchant for digging which he is only allowed to practice in his kennel. I watch both dogs carefully and at the slightest attempt to dig I shout and everything stops. Cruella told me she didn’t notice him digging but did wonder why half the lawn was in his bed every night. The pictures below show only a bit of the damage marked in red. The wire mesh on the lawn is my feeble attempt to stop him digging elsewhere on the lawn. This cannot now be repaired till the Spring.

Whenever Cruella (my wife) wants to be horrible to me – which to be fair is quite often – she mentions my bald patch. In the case of most men this would refer to their receding hair, but in my case it’s the lawn. She knows that twice I have tried to repair the bald patch on my lawn, in both cases at great expense, but both have similarly failed. She now calls me Wayne Rooney. When I asked her why? She said we have both spent a lot of money on failed transplants and are ugly.

Now I know that not many people have lawns or any type of grass in Spain. And that those do have them are either mad or masochists. But you can’t beat the look of grass, the fun to be had feeding it, strimming, mowing, raking and scarifying and that’s just one week. So if like me you have a bald patch then in the words of Henry V “once more unto the breech dear friends”.

24 September. Things I have been doing lately:

Dealing with my bald patch. My past efforts at dealing with the patch on my lawn have involved using the very expensive “Kikuyu” seed. This is reputedly hardy and can stand anything. Unfortunately I did not get one blade of grass despite great expense, watering twice daily and being covered by fleece to protect the seed from birds.

For my new attempt I am trying a brand of proprietary ready mixed seed and feed all in one treatment. The starting point for any grass sowing is to make sure that it has a suitable base soil. In my case this meant sieving soil that I had stored from various digs around the garden. Once you have sieved an appropriate amount of soil, you then need to rake over the bald patch and sprinkle the sieved soil over the bald patch to provide a suitable base for the seed.

As I began to sprinkle my “all in one” seed and feed the birds began to gather like vultures surrounding a thirsty man in the desert. They even began to chirrup and whistle cheerfully like fat men looking forward to dinner. In an effort to ward them off both I and the marauding Labradors charged them. But all of this was to little avail as Tango is blind and couldn’t see them and Nero has crippling arthritis in one of his front legs so wasn’t very good at charging. the birds just hopped back a couple of metres and commenced the cheerful chirruping.

As a last resort I covered the seed with lightly sieved soil to hopefully hide the seed from the birds – who were watching my every move. I finished the whole thing off by hanging some old CD’s from canes and finally watering. I will let you know what happens. The photos below show my my assembled bald patch fighting equipment, soil sieving production line, and finally my CD’s waving bravely in the wind. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Shaping trees and bushes. You should always leave the really big prunes till January. But, If you want to keep your bushes and trees shapely, now is the last time you will be able to trim and prune this year. The benefit of trimming now is two fold. Firstly, you keep the major infrastructure parts of your garden intact and shapely which gives overall structure. Secondly, by trimming whilst there is still growth you ensure that if you over trim or create a bald patch then you will still have growth that will cover your mistake.

The alternative is that you trim later when there is no growth and you suffer the indignity of an over trimmed bald tree or bush all winter till next Spring’s growth arrives to hide your shame. In my case you also have to suffer the indignity of Cruella bringing it up at every opportunity. I have already been to counselling over her haranguing over the lawn bald patch.

I always start my shape pruning by bringing my Olive tree back into shape. I cloud pruned this a number of years ago and when it is freshly shaped it is lovely and a talking point in the garden. Many of you will have Olive trees and will just let them grow into shapeless lumps. Left to themselves these trees will look scraggy and untidy and eventually make a mess underneath as the Olives fall off. If you are not processing the Olives then I would advise you to reshape the tree to make it a visually stunning part of your garden.

The first photo below show my Olive tree just about ready for its twice annual trimming.

The two photos below provide examples not only of my prowess in cloud pruning, but also hint at my hidden artistic talent. I mourn for the career I could have had in fashion photography. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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After reshaping the Olive tree I tend to look down my drive to where a large Californian False Pepper and a Myrtle bush dominate the end of the drive. This view down the drive and on into the wild wood sets the overall feel of the garden for those either driving in or walking down the drive. If these two plants are left to get scruffy and overgrown then it removes much of the shape and overall structure of the garden.

The big Californian Pepper I had professionally loped a while ago to bring it back into my overall reach. The new growth is now sprouting like crazy both from the trunk and the top of the tree. So if I don’t get on top of it now then it will again be out of reach. The photos below show the tree before its trim and afterwards. Cruella claims she can see no difference; but as she can only come out at night it does prove problematic. I have provided a caption on each photo for clarity.

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Reshaping the Myrtle bush is all a matter of timing. It provides the forefront to a stand of Yuccas set behind it. The starkness of the Yucca spikes are a good foil to the rounded shape of the Myrle. It flowers profusely and is a real joy to behold. So you need to time the trimming so that you lose as little flowering as possible, but still have some growth to cover up any mistakes you might make.

As I walk down the drive towards what I term the “Technical Area” the Myrtle guards the entrance to this sacred place. The Technical Area is where the shed, potting benches, compost bins and water tanks are, and it is from this area that all of the garden eventually emerges as seeds or cuttings. In her usual disparaging way Cruella (my wife) calls this area the dump.

The photos below show the Mytrle prior to its trim and in all its proud glory afterwards.

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I know the above heading may seem slightly incongruous and doesn’t match the requirements of a gardening blog, but let me explain. Cruella (my wife) has for years despaired of getting me to come in from the garden at meal times. Over the years she has tried many options including: shouting loudly, ringing a bell, banging a dinner gong and even blowing a vuvuzela (at the time of the South African World Cup).

But now she has gone too far. She has taken up archery and now regularly fires arrows at me before every meal. I have become accustomed to the swish of air as another close miss whistles past my ear, or the thwock sound made by an arrow slamming into a tree I am standing beside. She has even perfected the technique used by Legolas in the Lord of the Rings, whereby she can fire arrows rapidly. Sometimes I will be cutting the lawn and suddenly I am surrounded by a ring of arrows rapidly thudding into the lawn.

Anyway she has gone too far and I am thinking of reporting her for attempted murder. The other day I was sitting at the spot where I rest between the far end of the garden and the shed. I use this spot to stop and think about what I am supposed to be getting from the shed; it saves time as if I go straight to the shed I will forget and have to go back to the beginning again. To cut a long story short, as I sat there innocently contemplating my mission to the shed, suddenly thwack an arrow went straight through my oldest (and best) gardening hat. When I complained to Cruella that this was attempted murder and she had gone too far. She merely smiled and said she was practising. The photo below shows me moments after the attempt on my life, (note the damage to my hat).

17th September. Things I have been doing lately:

🧎‍♂️ Gathering seeds. September is the time when you should be scurrying around checking all your plants for seedheads. Most plants will have set seed and there is a wide variety if you just look.

🌸 Margeurites provide the best and easiest way to get new plants. Instead of gathering their seed, just rub the seedheads between your finger and thumb and let them drop to the soil and just water them where they fall. Within a few weeks you will have lots of little seedlings popping up. Once they have at least four leaves then you can prick them out by easing them from the soil with a trowel. and repot them into trays. You can then plant these out in your borders in mid January and they will flower from May all the way through till December.

The first photo below shows my seed spreading technique. The second shows the lovely little seedlings, the third shows them being eased out of the soil and the final photo shows the 96 new plants I now have. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🌼 Grey Santolina. These are lovely drought tolerant plants that grow well in Spain and their small yellow flowers stand out against their grey foliage. To get seeds from these plants you simply cut off a number of former flowering stems. Take them to a table where you can sit and gently roll the seed heads between your finger and thumb, letting the seeds fall into an envelope for safe keeping . These can then be sown in trays in mid January. The first photo below shows the Santolina being harvested for seed. The second photo shows me sitting peacefully on a hot day harvesting the seeds. Note my new hat sitting on the table beside me – whenever Cruella comes near me I whip it off defensively. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🌻 Sunflower seeds. Regular readers of this blog will remember that after the great seed disaster of 2020 I was forced to plant an odd arrangement of things. One of the great successes of Summer was the Sunflowers. These grew magnificently high and flowered beautifully. A few blogs back I showed you how to cut the heads off and dry them in preparation for harvesting seed. After thoroughly drying the heads it is now time to harvest the seeds.

Using a fork pry the seeds out from the seed head into a bowl. It is important that the seed head is completely dry. Then using various type of sieves, sift them as much as possible to separate the seeds from the chaff. Once you have as many seeds as you want, place them in a plastic box and store them in a cool, dry, dark space. When you are finished place the seedheads out in your garden so that the birds can get the rest of the seeds that you don’t want.

The first photo shows my efforts at manfully prising the seeds out of the heads. The second photo shows my sieving efforts (Don’t tell Cruella, I borrowed these from the kitchen). The third photo shows the seeds boxed up and ready to be planted next Spring. The last photo shows the seed heads lying on the lawn ready to feed the birds. Click on each photo for a larger view.

At this time of year – as we move towards the end of Summer, I like to think about the shape and structure of my garden and whether there are changes I may want to make. I am fortunate in that I have a friend (David) who has a drone and is happy to fly this over my garden giving me excellent video and still shots of the various parts of the garden. I then use these to assist my decision making on any changes I may wish to make throughout the garden.

Unfortunately this year Cruella (my wife) decided that she would like to do this for me as she believes her flying skills may open up new business opportunities for her. The problem with this was that David’s drone takes much better pictures than Cruella. Also, Cruella is in the middle of her annual moult when she changes from her Summer colours and shape to her Winter mode which means she can only really fly at night. Anyway to cut a long story short out of fear of what she would turn me into (most recently a Sloth) I gave in and said she could have a go.

The first photo below shows Cruella in her Summer colours and shape. The second photo shows her in her Winter guise. The third photo shows Cruella’s attempt at garden photography.

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Needless to say I am sticking with David and the drone despite her threats. To be honest with you I made a good Sloth.

31st August. Things I have been doing lately:

🧩 Reassessing my garden. In garden design there is a saying I am fond of “structure is a function of purpose” in effect this means you should be able to look at something and from this know what it is meant to do. This is especially true of gardens. Your garden should be designed and shaped around you and your life. For example my garden is shaped around 5 distinct areas:

1. morning garden
2. afternoon garden
3. orchard
4. dry garden
5. wild wood

🌞 The morning garden. This is directly in front of the house and has Three small lawns, a path way leading to the front gate, two small water features and various islands of planting including trees and various plants. The purpose of this area of the garden is more or less ornamental. It is pleasing to the eye presents a nice area to have your morning tea whilst you sit on the Naya and read the paper. It is also the first part of the garden that guests see. This first and second photos give you a good overview of the garden design and planting structure, the the final photo shows you the Cheshire Cat sitting in the middle of my big donut shaped Bay tree. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

🐕 The afternoon garden. Is a different creature all together as this is dominated by a large lawn where the maurading Labradors used to run around. But since one is now blind and the other can hardly walk their activity on the lawn is more like a crazy fairground dodgem ride as they bump into each other and one or both of them falls over.

in addition to the large lawn, there is hedging, a stream water feature, and a large Mulberry tree with seating underneath. Separating the lawn from the tree area are two beds of old English Roses with various islands of planting in the gravel. The first two photos give you an appreciation of the planting and design, whilst the third shows you the sorry state of the lawn. In case you are wondering what the black things on the lawn are, these are severed burnt heads. Cruella leaves them there to warn off strangers! Only kidding, they are sunflower seed heads left there to feed the birds. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

🌳 The orchard. This is exactly what it says a collection of fruit trees. These include: Orange, Lemon, Fig, Olive and Persimmon. We use the fruit from all of these trees at various times of the year. The trees are always under review as they are of various ages and you need to plan ahead if you always want fruit.

In addition to the fruit trees I also vent my artistic talent by stacking up branches of pruned trees to make what I call wooden sculptures, but, Cruella calls firewood. The orchard also runs along side and frames the outside kitchen and presents a pleasing aspect as if you are dining in a bower. A large Dame de Noche sits beside the seating area and provides heady evening scents as you sit with your glass of wine. Don’t forget, you only ever need one lemon tree that is plenty. The photo below gives you an idea of where I will be putting a new tree later this year.

🐪 The dry garden. This small garden sits at the bottom of the drive on the right and is home to a collection of succulents, cacti, yucca and various other drought resistant plants. A small border of euoniums and an oleander separate the parking area from the garden. Even the smallest gardens in Spain are capable of providing you with an interesting dry garden by using a variety of leaf and stem shapes. The photos below show the dry garden. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

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🌲 The wild wood. This is a large garden that is mainly left to nature. There are all sorts of creatures that inhabit this area and I have tried to encourage a varied eco structure by leaving fallen and cut down trees for insects and animals. In addition where trees have been cut down I have requested that logs be left in piles and these form excellent insect hotels for bees and many other insects. This area also has a Casa de Madera (log cabin) where guest stay when they are visiting. It makes a very pleasant abode and helps them to escape Cruella’s nocturnal howling and screaming. The photo below shows the guest accommodation and an overview of the wild wood.

⚒ Time for you to get stuck in. I hope these photos and descriptions will inspire you to take a fresh look at the design and structure of your own garden. As always if you want any assistance or advice just contact me. Also if you would like my friend David and his mighty drone to take aerial photos or a video of your house and garden then again contact me and I will put you in touch. David’s charges are very reasonable and the end result is always stunning. If you would like to see a video overview of my garden produced by David then go to YouTube and search for the following: “Spanish garden – a tour of a Summer garden in Campoverde”.

At this time of the year when the dog days of summer are long and hot, the potting bench turns into an orphanage. The only plants left on the bench are those orphan plants that have been left behind; not chosen, not wanted and even rejected. These consist of poor little badly grown cuttings, or those with misshapen leaves or just those who just aren’t ready to leave the shelter of the potting bench. It can be quite depressing to feel unloved and unwanted, and that is why for the past few years I have instituted a system of nightly sing songs.

Every night, at the end of the gardening day, and before the sun goes down, I wander down to the potting bench and sit myself on top of one of the compost bins to talk to the orphans. We start with me providing an update of how their past friends are doing since they were planted out in the garden. I always keep it upbeat telling the orphans that everyone is thriving and describing their friends new flowers. I never tell them about the losses or those who have just shrivelled in the Sun; there is no point in being depressing.

Anyway, after the daily update it’s straight on to the singing. I am sure it would be no surprise to you that plants prefer songs from the shows and musicals. They despise comic songs and for obvious reasons will never countenance anything from “Frozen”. As you would expect different plants have their favourites: Spider Plants love singing “the ugly duckling” including all the accompanying actions. Trumpet Vine love anything from “Oklahoma” and take great delight in bellowing out that line “…the corn is as high as an Elephant’s eye”. The Gaura that sits at the back of the potting bench is a bit of a Diva and insists on singing power ballads and makes us all cry when she sings “I will survive” We always finish the singing with “the sun will come up tomorrow” from the musical “Annie”, as everyone belts it out I drum my feet against the door of the compost bin to keep up the tempo; we call it the orphan’s anthem.

Our last thing before I go in is our prayer which we all say together:

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my roots to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord to compost make”

What do you mean you have never hard plants sing or pray, you need to listen more carefully. The photo below shows everyone ready for bed.

10th August. Things I have been doing lately:

✂️ Cutting back standards. By now your standards should have been in full flower for a while and will have begun to get straggly and untidy. It is time to give them a mid-Summer prune with the hope that you will get a second flush of flowering into September/October. The first photos below show a verbena and two Solanums needing a prune. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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The next photos show them all heavily pruned. I know this looks a bit drastic but they are all mature plants and they will all be back in full leaf soon. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🪓 Cutting back a large false pepper tree. Many gardens in Spain have Peruvian/Californian false pepper trees. These are large trees with a resemblance to a weeping willow, and which have long Racine’s which have tiny red berries that look like pepper corns. These are lovely trees but can be messy when the wind blows, especially around swimming pools. What a lot of people don’t realise is that you can be quite brutal in your pruning with these trees especially if you have let them get out of hand. The photos below show my lovely tree being pruned by professionals and the final outcome. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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These photos were taken about three months ago, but I haven’t included them in my blog so far because I knew that people seeing the drastic cutback would think I had killed the tree. But the false pepper is very robust and I knew it would come back. The photo below was taken last week and you can see the tree bursting back into life. In its new form I will let it take shape into its weeping format but then I will keep it pruned to shape. So the moral is if you have a false pepper tree then you can keep it nicely shaped as part of your overall garden design.

🧟‍♀️ Cruella is coming back. The party is over, the end is near, the nightmare begins. Regular readers of this blog will know that Cruella (my wife) has been at our English house for almost six months casting spells to ensure that our idiot son doesn’t get coronavirus. Well, now she is coming back tonight and the problem is that I tidied her bedroom whilst she was away. I only have a few hours to get it back to how she likes it – she lands on the lawn at midnight.

I spent all last night in the garden trying to replace the things I had changed in her room. So far I’ve only got 23 cockroaches, 11 black beetles, 2 dead mice, 14 worms and a fallen log. She will definitely notice that her snakes are missing and I have found it impossible to catch any bats. My plan is to tell her we were burgled. The photo below shows her room now. As a surprise I’ve put the cockroaches in her bed – she will be thrilled at my thoughtfulness.

My goodness isn’t it hot! Both the maurading Labradors and myself are melting. Our day consists of bursts of gardening followed by pots of tea and dips in the pool. What I haven’t mentioned is that poor old Tango (the blonde one) has gone blind with cataracts and keeps falling into the pool; luckily he knows where the steps are. Any way enough of this nattering, on with the gardening.

1st August. Things I have been doing lately:

🌱 Letting the grass grow. I know that technically God makes the grass grow – mind you he is never around when it’s mowing time – but I have decided to assist him by letting my grass grow longer. When I told Cruella (my wife) that I was letting the grass grow she got very angry, when I asked why? She told me that longer grass would make it difficult for her to catch the frogs she uses in her beauty cream.

Now I understand that not many of you have a lawn in Spain as they can be tricky in the heat. But for those of you who do, then it’s time to let the grass grow a bit longer. There are a number of benefits from this:

• It stops scorching over the Summer
• It encourages low growing wild flowers
• It helps pollinators as the wild flowers provide nectar
• It saves you having to mow in the heat

One of the delights of the longer grass has been the low growing and creeping wildflowers. The first photo below shows the tiny yellow flowers of Creeping Woodsorrel that greet me every morning but then disappear by lunch as they escape the Sun. The second photo shows something I had never seen on the lawn, but is now happily growing in bare patches under shade. This is Asian Ponysfoot (from the shape of the leaf). I would have missed both of these if I had kept the mower blade low. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🍊 Harvesting Figs. Regular readers of this blog will know that I love Figs and look forward to the harvesting season with great anticipation. The great joy of Fig trees is that once they get mature then they produce fantastic harvests. The photo below shows the first figs of joy.

The problem of course is that once the figs start then they come thick and fast. You need to harvest every day, preferably first thing in the morning when they will be at their juiciest. Figs keep perfectly happy in the fridge for weeks, but, try and use up as many as possible fresh; including sharing your harvest with friends. But if you want to save some for the future then dry them in the Sun. This is very simple;

• Cut each fig in half
• Place them on an open mesh tray
• Place them on a table in full Sun
• Cover them with a mesh cover to protect from birds
• Try and remember to bring them indoors at night

The photo below shows my fig preparation area in action.

After three days the Figs should be fully dried and you can them store them in a plastic box in the freezer for months. Now to assist you in this matter I have once again come up with a new invention to stop the ants devouring your figs as they dry. (See photo below). The main components of my new invention are orange juice bottles cut in half, filled with water and then with the table legs inserted . Once again I have great hopes of this device being stocked by Amazon.

✂️ Trimming Trumpet Vine. I have lots of Pink Trumpet Vine growing in hedges etc in my garden, and it is a great joy with beautiful hanging flowers. Another of the great joys of Trumpet Vine is the hanging seed pods that are left after flowering. These provide great interest in the Autumn, but for now we need more flowers. To achieve another flush of flowers go round now chopping off all the seed pods and lo and behold you will have another huge burst of flowers. The next lot of seed pods can be left on as these will provide the plant with interest for the Autumn season. The first photo below shows the seed pods ripe for trimming, whilst the second photo shows the newly trimmed plant. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🦗 Spray Aphids. At this time of year you need to check your plants daily for pests such as Aphids. In my case this means putting on my glasses. Aphids and other pests start off very small and unnoticeable and till one day you have a biblical plague of them sucking the life out of your lovely plants. The first photo below shows my discovery of a new problem plague which I dealt with unmercifully with the methods in the second photo.

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🧟‍♀️ Cruella has a Makeover. Regular readers of this blog will know that Cruella (my wife) is a proponent of the dark arts which I call Witchcraft but she insists is merely another way of looking at things. Any way because of the recent problems caused by identity politics she has decided that in case of bad publicity she needs a new image. Together with a number of her friends throughout the world she has formed a new association called Witches Lives Matter (WLM). To launch WLM Cruella has had a number of publicity photos taken showing her in a sympathetic light. In one photo she is seen swinging on a swing that is garlanded with flowers and with a garland of flowers in her hair. In another she is sitting on a rug before an open fire cuddling three cute little puppies. The photo she has Insisted I use in my blog is shown below and is self explanatory.

The above heading could be about a really bad hairdresser and a disgusting snack. But no, the world of gardening throws up all sorts of funny things especially after the great seed disaster of 2020. I know I’ve mentioned it once or twice, but did I tell you I lost all my seeds this year. Anyway, the fact of the matter is that having lost all my seeds I have had to rely on cuttings and bought plants to stock my borders. This has brought a number of problems which I insist on sharing with you.

14th July. Things I have been doing lately:

🙀 Trying to save bought plants. If you buy plants from garden centres etc at this time of year and then plant them in full Sun, then you are mainly wasting your time and money. The Sun will scorch the roots before the plants can get established and all you will have left is a few crispy leaves. The photo below shows a poor Lobelia who despite my best efforts did not survive its scorching.

The problem is this. You buy a new plant you plant it in a pre-watered hole and then you water at night. However, the roots don’t have time to get down into the soil and as the water is close to the surface the roots turn upwards. The Sun comes out the next day and scorches the roots. You see the plant is in distress and you water again and the same thing happens. The only thing that will stop this cycle and give your new plant a chance is to create a compost donut.

A compost donut is a ring of thick mulch compost that you apply all around the plant just after watering. Lift all the foliage up and pack the compost around the stem and to a distance of about 6 inches. This will act as a barrier to the Sun and give your new plants a fighting chance. You will probably have to renew the donut every week as the Blackbirds will take delight in tossing it everywhere in their pursuit of insects. The photos below show operation donut in action. Click on each image for a larger view.

🌂 Shading cuttings. I normally take lots of cuttings in late Spring and then plant them out in early Autumn when they have decent root growth. But because I am trying to fill beds I have been forced to try and bring the cuttings on faster. This again was another mistake. Because of the fierce Sun, cuttings like the new plants (discussed above), do not have sufficient roots to withstand the heat. Because of this, and at great expense, I have developed a patented Cuttings Shade that is suitable for all potting benches. The photo below shows my prototype; extra bricks are available as plants grow, I call it my extension kit. I am hoping that Amazon will stock it.

🌼 Dealing with Sunflowers. One of the serendipitous outcomes of the great seed disaster of 2020 was that I planted some Sunflower seeds. I found an old packet of seeds that I had more or less ignored because, I had other things to grow, and they were all I had left. Well they didn’t disappoint they were lovely as you can see from the photo below.

After an excellent show of flowers I am now in the process of preparing the seed for next year. There are various methods of doing this, you can leave the head on and let it dry then harvest the seed. Or, you can do, as I am trying by letting the head partly dry then cutting it off and letting the whole thing dry off the stem. If you want to follow my approach then there are three basic stages.

• Wait till the outer petals are very dry and brown.
• Cut off the head with about 4inches of stem.
• Hang the head upside down to complete drying

At the end of this process you supposedly will have your seeds. I will keep you informed. The photos below show the three stages. Click on each image for a larger view.

🧟‍♀️ Cruella sends a warning. I was just on the phone to Cruella (my wife) informing her that I did not think it was appropriate for me to continue to include her in this blog. I was explaining that I wanted to keep it simply about gardening and I was worried about her advocacy of Witchcraft. I had no sooner uttered the words when a glass dish sitting on our kitchen island flew across the room and smashed on the floor. Our two maurading Labradors hearing the smash charged into the kitchen expecting to find food on the floor. Both dogs proceeded to skid around on the glass and yelping as they cut their paws. I rushed forward forgetting I had no shoes on and unfortunately joined them in this manic dance where we were all trying to get our feet off the ground, but only making matters worse. From the abandoned phone I could hear Cruella chanting Red Rum, Red Rum over and over again.

It was only after cleaning up the blood and the gore did I see a message cracked into one of our floor tiles (see photo below). Needlesss to say I have seen Jack Nicholson films, and Cruella will definitely be featuring in future posts

The above title is not the name of a famous firm of Plastic Surgeons, but instead is an accurate description of what you should be doing in your garden right now. Don’t be one of those gardeners who sits back and watches their plants flower once and then it’s on to Autumn. No, if you take action right now you will have flowering right through to November and the loveliness of your garden will be the envy of your friends. Most flowering plants (that are not single stem) are capable of multi-flowering, but only if you actively intervene and stop them going to seed. Once a plant has flowered it believes its work is done and it will put all its energy into making seed. Your job is to intervene cut off the flowering heads and force the plant to start again and to make a new flower. There you have it, that’s the gist of the whole thing. Let’s get on with it.

1st July. Things I have been doing lately:

🌺 Deadheading and tidying Roses. If you have Roses in your garden then you will know that they’re grow splendidly in Spain. Most Roses will flower at least twice in Spain, in March-June and again in September-November. Depending on the type of Rose some will continue to flower all Summer. But in each case it is important that you deadhead continuously and also that you tie in and cut back. The first photo below shows a typical morning trug full of deadheads, the second and third photos show a couple of lovely Roses (Tess of the D’urbervilles) that I had to move as they were not thriving. In their new position I want them to climb up wires so it is necessary to cutback any outward growing branches – marked in red. Click on each photo for a larger view.

✂️ Trimming back Lavender. Here in Spain if you do the right thing then you can have at least three flowerings of Lavender. Once the flower spikes have gone completely black, and you notice that the bees are no longer bothering to visit the plant, then this is the time to trim back. Using your secateurs or garden shears trim off all the flowering spikes. Do not trim into the main body of the plant as this will inhibit flowering and may cause die back. When you have trimmed the plant back give it a good feed to encourage the new flowering. The first photo below shows the Lavender plant in need of a trim. The second shows it trimmed back and ready for its next flowering.

✂️ Trimming back Gaura. When trimming back Gaura you apply exactly the same process as Lavender. Take off only the flower spikes. In the case of Gaura you will probably get only two flowering’s a year, but the second flowering will last from July till October. Now that is what I call good value. The first photo shows the Gaura ready for cut back whilst the second shows it trimmed. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🧟‍♀️ Cruella does gardening. Those familiar with this blog will know that Cruella (my wife) has introduced her own range of lifestyle clothing and household items with a gardening and witchcraft theme. In my last post she insisted that I introduce her new range, and in this post she wants me to tell you about her new female Assassin clothing range. When I questioned her about this she said it was important for female assassins to retain their femininty even if they were cold blooded killers. The photo below shows Cruella modelling her new “Lady Killer” jacket. She tells me it is bullet proof, has a blood resistant lining and a full range of pockets for knives, and guns. With an added touch of style for the lady assassin who has everything, the waist drawstring can be quickly converted to a garrotte.

Now I loved science fiction as a child and I defy anyone to beat my heading above as the title for a new science fiction book. The title alone would guarantee it would be a best seller and probably win the Hugo Award which is the highest award for the best science fiction book each year. However, and unfortunately, it is nothing so prosaic. The squirrels have actually eaten my weevil tubes and to make matters worse Cruella (my wife) has informed me she is starting gardening. On this ominous note let’s talk a bit about gardening and what you should be doing right now.

24th June. Things I have been doing lately:

🦗 Treating Phoenix Palms against Palm Weevil. If you have Phoenix Palms then you should be actively treating them against Weevils. Now that the sun is getting hot the weevils will soon be flying round your trees and looking for places to lay their eggs. A weevil infestation can quickly destroy that lovely palm that is the pride of your garden. If you have large trees then get professsionals in to spray. You will notice that all the public trees in the square etc have been sprayed by the Ayuntiemento hence the certificate stapled to them. If your trees are small then just spray the crowns yourself. But if like me you have large trees and don’t trust your wife to hold the ladder, then I would normally recommend my self invented weevil killer.

Regular readers of this blog will remember that I drilled a hole half way into all my Phoenix Palms and that I then apply weevil killing chemicals though a tube reservoir. The chemicals are then taken up by the rising sap and poisons all the palm fronds thereby killing off the weevils. The photo below shows my as yet I unpatented system.

All was going well until the arrival of this years brood of red squirrels babies. It seems that they have now developed in a Darwinian way to feast solely upon my weevil tubes. It was only when I started pouring the chemicals in and they gushed out and soaked my sandals that I realised that something was wrong. The photo below shows the damage wrought on every tube on every tree.

Anyway to cut a long story short and given that necessity is the mother of invention, I have developed a variation of my patent and developed the new improved weevil killing machine. It is a bit like the issue of a new Apple Phone by Steve Jobs. I fantasise that I am in a large arena stuffed with gardeners who listen keenly as I stroll up and down with my throat mike extolling the virtues of the new method. Eventually after teasing the audience my PowerPoint presentation reveals a photo of the new improved version. The photos below will undoubtedly give you the same thrill. The first shows the new model (a range of other colours are available), whilst the second shows it in action.

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🧟‍♀️ “Cruella goes gardening”. This is the title that Cruella (my wife) insists that I now use if I mention her in this blog. She is hoping to launch a whole range of Lifestyle merchandise with a gardening and witchcraft theme, which she believes will be both popular and remunerative. Her two themes she wishes me to publicise today are firstly her clothing range. She can be seen in the photo below posing. The shorts and top are available in black only, as is this the rest of the range. Whilst the sunglasses are a special model which she assures me stops her eyes bleeding when she is in daylight. I have ringed in red her first plant Dieffenbachia. This is poisonous in all parts and can cause death in children and small dogs it also can cause temporary loss of speech in adults. She tells me it will be part of her house plant range.

Cruella has also done her first plantings for her new garden range. The photo below shows her first four plants which include:

• Strychnos nux-vomica (source of strychnine)
• Hemlock (traditional poison in ancient Greece)
• Ricinus -communis (source of harmless castor oil but also deadly ricin)
• foxglove, Atropa belladonna (commonly called Deadly Nightshade)

When I asked her why she had chosen such dangerous plants, she said they were part of her “family friendly” range.

It is that time of year where all of your soft fruits such as Figs, Persimmon and the smaller fruits are ripening and will be ready for picking in a few weeks. Now is the time when you need to net everything before the birds beat you to your harvest. Just because the fruits are not fully ripe now don’t think you can postpone it. The bird population will know exactly when your fruits are ready and will swoop down and gladly fatten themselves before you get there. So let’s get netting.

June 20th. Things I have been doing lately:

🕸 Netting fruits. To net your fruits you will need a good quality small mesh net of a suitable size. These are available in all local garden shops. You will need string and ties to secure the net, and lastly you will need old CDs to hang on your trees as a further deterrent to the birds. If your trees or plants are at a relatively low level then you can manage this yourself. If however, your trees and plants are large you will obviously need help. Normally Cruella (my wife) assist with this by flying over the trees and dropping the net down. However, in her absence I am proud to say that I imported a crack fruit netting team to assist me.

We started with the team assembled on the front lawn and began with the traditional separation of the net. This involved Derek (National large net champion 2009-11) accompanied by his wife Margo (West of Scotland regional champion 2015-16) getting involved in early net wrangling. In the background you can just see Daphne (all Northern Ireland non sectarian net champion 2014) as she begins her run up in her specialist event “Labrador leaping”. The photo below shows the action.

The afternoon continued with Daphne performing the netting Hakka; this is the first time this event has been performed on main land Spain. In this thrilling display the antagonist threatens the other side in a ritualistic performance where they dance, display weapons and make terrible faces. The photo below shows Daphne mid performance. It is only a pity that we did not capture her display of grimaces and tongue poking on camera.

Once everyone had a short rest and refreshments we moved on to the all important tree section. Here the team have to place the net over the tree whilst performing a dance of their choice. I am pleased to say that this free style section allows the team to show creativity and movement. In a crowd pleasing move they opted for an international theme and chose “Limbo”. The photos below show the team at the early stages. In the first photo Daphne can be seen going into her preliminary limbo moves. The next photo shows the team in full flow. Daphne has snapped up into her throwing stance, whilst Derek and Margo chant traditional Scottish sea shanties as they throw the net across the tree. Despite the great display the team were docked points for “cultural appropriation”. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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The afternoon finished with the traditional blessing and worshipping of the tree. This involves using string and ties to make the net secure. The photo below shows Daphne – who was chosen as the presiding priestess – saying the last few incantations and curses against birds. Margo meantime, in an unexpected move, gave the whole event a flourish by showing off her famous Hebridean crochet knots. This crowd pleaser would normally have garnered top marks, but unfortunately points were deducted when someone from “Me-Too” complained that Derek had made lascivious glances at Daphne whilst she performed the rites. An appeal was launched, but the photo evidence (seen below) was upheld and points were lost.

My biggest disappointment of the day was that I came no where in the small nets rounds. My entry in the small tree category involving my Persimmon did not get through to the second round. Whilst my “pot and net combination” was disqualified for being messy. The photos below tell their own story. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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At this time of year when the garden is galloping off into the distance with us poor gardeners hurrying along behind and trying to catch up with the exponential growth everywhere, it is helpful to remember the Red Queen’s dictum to Alice:

“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”.

And so it is with gardening; you must garden every day to keep up otherwise the garden will overwhelm you. With Cruella and the idiot son still isolating in the U.K. I have been merrily gardening to such an extent that I have not even had time to write this blog. I have therefore made an editorial decision; I am going to try and blog more frequently (possibly every couple of days) over the next couple of busy months but not at such length you will be pleased to hear.

17th June. Things I have been doing lately.

✂️ Clear the last of your bulb beds. Most bulbs (apart from Nerines) will now be spent and the stems fully dried out. You now need to cut the stems right back to the ground, whilst at the same time removing any weeds that have hidden between the stems. Once all the stems are cut back, you should cover them with a layer of compost. This will both protect them from the Sun and give the, a slow release feed. The last thing you need to do is give them a good water and then say goodbye to them, wish them goodnight and tell them you will see them next year “God willing”. The photos below show some of my bulbs before cutting back, when cut back and lastly with their nice covering of compost. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🕷 Potting up baby spider plants. Spider plants, or to give them their proper name Chlorophytum comosum, are often left unloved and wilting on bathroom window ledges or, in the corner of kitchens. Their ability to grow in low light seems to have made them ideal for this purpose. But they can be useful in the garden to brighten up shady and semi shady spots. Its variegated leaves seem almost to glow in the shade and can look quite stunning. But the most important thing about spider plants is their ability to provide you with baby plants for free. The mature spider plant throws out long aerial runners which each produce a mini spider plant at the end. These plants would normally burrow into the soil and eventually free themselves from the mother plant after a few weeks. The long aerial runner makes sure that the new babies are far enough away from the mother plant not to compete. Operating on the same principle I am thinking of sending our idiot Son to Australia.

To harvest these babies all you have to do is look for ones that are quite large and looking like fully formed plants. Simply snip these off at the end of the runner and then pop them into a pre-prepared pot of compost. You need only dib these in about 2cm and then push the plant leaves and all into the hole. Keep it moist but not wet, and out of direct sun. Within 2/3 weeks it will have rooted. The first photo below shows a spider plant nursery with lots of babies dangling on the end of their runners. The second photo shows a baby about to leave home. The third photo shows its new home being prepared. Finally we see happy babies in their new Nursery. Click on each photo for a larger view.

In my last post I promised that I would tell you all about my battle with the big rat which I discovered in one of my compost bins; and I will, but not just yet. What with Cruella (my wife), the big rat, the mauruding Labradors and my idiot son, this so called gardening blog is turning into a soap opera and I am in danger of being raided by the Police for running a garden blog under false pretences.

So, the battle of the big rat is at the end of this post, but for those of you who may be interested in other things, let’s do some gardening.

1st June. Things I have been doing lately:

🌳 Cloud pruning my Olive tree: Regular followers of this blog (both of you) will know that I am a fan of reshaping appropriate trees to give them interest in the garden. Now Olive trees are ideal candidates for this treatment. Many of you will have Olive trees. Yet, the vast majority of you do not process the Olives and what you really have is a scruffy mishapen tree that just drops its fruit and makes a mess of your garden each year. Far better to cloud prune the tree to give it shape and interest and make it a talking point in your garden. Another good thing about this is you can still get the Olives if you want them, just a lot less. The first photo below shows my Olive tree before its annual prune, the second shows it in all its reshaped glory. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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✂️ Pruning grape vines: Grape vines are another plant that many people here in Spain have. But like Olive trees they are usually neglected and allowed to grow in tangled heaps hanging off walls and fences and giving little fruit. I grow grape vines for ornamental reasons therefore I don’t mind pruning and tidying them at any time. But if you are growing for fruit prune once before the plant comes back to life after the Winter. I have four grape vines but the one that gives me most problems is the one growing against the front of the house. I have trained this on wires, but to be honest, it is too close to the wall and suffers from mildew each year. To stop this happening I remove long tendrils and just generally prune it into shape – I don’t expect fruit. The photos below show the grape vine before and after its trim. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🍈 Thinning fruit. If you have fruit trees like Peach, Nectarine, Persimmon etc then you need to selectively thin the fruit now. Whilst it is nice to see lots of lovely little fruits hanging from your tree, you need to thin them out or nature will do it for you. Trees can only sustain so much fruit and if you leave all the fruit on then branches will break and eventually the tree will shed the fruit itself. You may think I will just wait till the tree does it itself, but that would be a mistake for three reasons.

• It is a waste of the trees energy growing fruit just to shed it later.
• The tree May shed much more fruit than you want it to.
• The fruit left will be smaller because all the trees energy went into growing all the fruit.

To thin fruit out all you need to do is cut out fruits that are crowded and close together or where there will be too many on a branch when the fruit matures. By thinning out you will have less fruit but it will be larger and sweeter. The first photo below shows my small Persimmon tree. The second shows an example of crowded fruit, the final photo shows the fruit thinned out. Quite often you may need to go back and thin again later on.

👍 Succession planting: The term succession planting refers to the process of keeping an area of your garden such as a bed or border in constant flower by replacing plants as they dieback. In past years I have always prided myself on growing all the successor plants from seed, but in the great seed disaster early this year my little green house was blown over and all the seed destroyed. This has meant that I have had to actually buy some plants; which I admit was a blow to my gardening manhood. To be fair I only bought four Petunias and a couple of Mandevilla and by way of compensation I made myself feel better by taking cuttings from the Mandevilla which are now growing happily.

If you are buying plants and placing them directly into your garden then you have to be careful as the Sun can be very fierce at this time of year. Where possible sit the plant in its pot exactly where you intend to plant it. Leave it there for a couple of days (we’ll watered) and see if it thrives. Once you decide to plant then dig a hole at least half as big again as the root ball. Fill this with water and leave it to drain (5 minutes). Then tease the roots out and plant your plant. Depending on what you are planting; some plants will need a sandy free draining mixture and some will need bulky rich compost, just read the label and this should advise.

Once the plant is in place water it thoroughly and then stack dry compost or stones to act as a mulch and stop the roots drying out. Most freshly planted plants die in Spain because their roots fry in the Sun. well meaning gardeners enthusiastically water their new plants, the roots of the plant start coming up looking for the water, get too close to the surface and fry. By thoroughly watering when you plant it, and then mulching, followed by watering only every few days you are encouraging the plant to go down and seek water whilst the mulch protects the roots. The first photo below shows one of my compost bins being emptied for the mulch. The second and third photos show the happily mulched up plants.

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🐭 Battling with Schrodinger’s big rat. For those of you not familiar with the story of Schrödinger’s cat (as explained by my idiot son). In simple terms, Schrödinger an eminent Physicist stated in 1935, that if you place a cat and something that could kill the cat (a radioactive atom) in a box and sealed it, you would not know if the cat was dead or alive until you opened the box, so that until the box was opened, the cat was (in a sense) both “dead and alive”. Hence I present you with the theory of Schrodinger’s rat. But I am getting ahead of myself, let’s go back to the start.

It all started when I went out to my compost bins one morning to place some fruit peels, rinds etc in the bin. I opened the lid and there right in front of me was a large rat. It looked at me, I looked at it and then I sprayed it straight in the face with some cockroach spray that I always take to the bin. Everything then seemed to happen in slow motion, the rat looked at me with disdain as if to say “was that your best shot” and then proceeded to dive below the compost. Now I don’t want to boast but I have battled and defeated a number of rats in my life, so it was with quiet confidence that I lowered the bin lid and sought out a large stick suitable for disposing of rats. Armed with my stick I flung the bin lid open and started furiously bashing the compost to bring the rat up. Sure enough within seconds he surfaced at the back of the bin. I proceeded to rein blows down on him and he proceeded to dive below the compost only to appear in a different spot. It was a bit like those whack a mole games only with a rat. After three or four minutes of hand to hand combat the rat leapt over my shoulder and disappeared into an area where I keep building material. On making his escape he looked back over his shoulder reproachfully at my pursuit of him with murderous intent and his eyes seemed to say “under different circumstances we could have been friends”.

Well that was day one. The next day I decided on a change of tactics and had what I thought was a brilliant idea of using the two maurading Labradors. My basic idea was that I would train both dogs as rat killers, I even started calling them “the rat pack” to increase their motivation. I started by giving them both a large bone to encourage their carnivore instincts; normally they are fed on dried food which meant they would lack motivation as their food doesn’t normally run around squeaking. I followed up the bones with rat killing exercises on the big lawn. Lacking a suitable rat look-a-like I found one of Cruella’s (my wife) familiars on her bed, tied a string around its neck and dragged it around the garden pursued by the dogs whilst screaming “kill, kill” at the top of my lungs. The first photo below shows the dogs enjoying their carnivore training. The next photo shows my rat look-a-like training aid. Unfortunately, the next photo shows Cruella (at our English house) in what looks like her favourite T shirt which appears to be made from the same material as my training aid (I will explain when she gets back). The final photo shows the dogs ready to spring into action.

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At daybreak we all assembled and prepared for the battle. We did warm up exercises as we all have bad knees. I had my big stick and I had given both dogs a motivational speech based loosely on Henry V’s famous words before Agincourt:

‘We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And any dog in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their doghoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

With a last cry of “God for Harry, England and St George”, I threw open the lid of the compost bin and began my attempts to batter the rat. Plainly the rat had never read Shakespeare’s Henry V Act III and refused to stay still and be battered; it ran from side to side, dived under the compost and generally refused to play the part we had allocated it. All was going well, I was battering, both dogs were furiously barking and jumping up at the bin and I envisaged that victory was within our grasp.

However, our plan began to come apart quite quickly. Tango started the unraveling by lying down as he had tired himself out. Nero continued to keep jumping and barking but unfortunately trod on Tango. Tango being more or less blind assumed he was under attack from the big rat (I may have exaggerated the size of the big rat in my motivational speech to the dogs) began to attack Nero, who in turn fought back. Both were soon a furious whirl of legs, fangs and claws. This ball of misguided fury rolled into me bringing me on top of them and we ended up a rolling melee of man, dogs, sticks teeth and legs. Now I can’t swear that this next bit is true, but I am sure I saw the big rat look over the top of the bin and down at us flailing on the ground, he shook his head in resignation before performing a perfect parabolic arc over us to make his escape.

After our failed attempts at a frontal assault we resorted to the time honoured method of poisoning (Cruella gave me advice). After a week of gradually  feeding the big rat almost the whole of a box of rat poisoning, he eventually failed to turn up one day. I haven’t got the body so he really is Schrodinger’s Rat. Nevertheless we have claimed victory and awarded ourselves medals all round. The photo below shows both dogs after the exhaustion of the big rat battle.

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I have been in lock down so long that I have done all the normal gardening jobs that keep me busy. I have now got to the stage where I am hunting down things to do hence I have entered my Maria Kondo phase. Now to put this in context we are speaking about a man who can spend 8-10 hours in the garden, but I have literally done everything apart from dig it up and start again; and I have considered this. So this post is all about those little things you should be doing, and all those little areas that need tidying up once all the big things are done.

By the way, if you think this blog is losing some of its gardening edginess, then nothing could be further from the truth. I am deliberately saving my story of the battle with the giant rat in my compost bin; but only because the outcome is still in the balance. I believe that it what television dramatist call a “pot-boiler”. Anyway, enough of this, on with the gardening.

10th May. Things I have been doing lately

🙇‍♂️ Discovering new areas for plants. When you have done everything in your garden look around for new areas you can exploit. I have a small bed of gravel that runs around the edge of my Naya (veranda) that just sits there. Whilst passing it the other day I suddenly thought how nice it would look planted with lots of small succulents. The only problem was I didn’t have enough cuttings ready so I went around the garden hunting for hidden or overshadowed plants that could be moved. The two photos below show the potential gravel edge waiting with all its potential. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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After scouring the potting bench and removing overshadowed plants from elsewhere in the garden I have made a start. Although this looks a bit sparse at the moment, I will build it up over the next few months and eventually I will have a green ribbon of succulents where once there was only gravel. This is something I would recommend you to try at home. For instance this would give a good effect along the edge of pathways. The pictures below show my efforts so far. The last photo shows my discovery of a little hidden plant that had been overshadowed over the years. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🌳 Reshaping the Mulberry tree: Some trees need to be reshaped otherwise they are just big amorphous lumps that do nothing for your garden. I have a number of reshaped and cloud pruned trees in my garden that give interest and life to areas of the garden. Some years ago Cruella (my wife) and I decided that we needed a bench under our Mulberry tree. To achieve this I had to hollow out the branches under the canopy to create the headroom and then trim the edge to create a sight line across the garden. This is now something I need to do twice a year to keep the tree functional and shapely. The photos below show the tree prior to its trim, after its trim and the hollowed our centre. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🧹 Tidying up my window boxes: Regular followers of this blog will remember that I have some North facing window boxes along the back of my house. I am not normally a fan of window boxes in Spain as they will obviously dry out in the intense heat of Summer. However, where you have a North facing wall they are a good way to bring some greenery to shady areas. I have planted these window boxes with various shade loving plants such as variegated ivies and Transcedentia etc. Over the gardening year these grow and cascade down giving me a green waterfall effect. However at this time of year you just need to trim them up and take off the old straggly growth. Once you have done this give them a little feed and they will be off again with a nice new green waterfall. The photos below show the before and after. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🏺 Tidying up my pots: The ultimate Maria Kondo task in gardening terms is tidying up your old pots. Like many gardeners I find it difficult to throw away pots, and consequently have accumulated so many that in the past they have toppled on top of me leaving me to be rescued by being pulled out by my legs. Now that Cruella (my wife) is still at our English house, and the added danger of the big rat (another teaser) I worry that not only will no one be there to rescue me if I suffer another pot avalanche, but the big rat may eat me alive whilst I’m trapped. Faced by these perfectly reasonable dangers I decided to tidy up the pots. The photos below show my efforts after the first sift and at each stage. It was difficult I kept making excuses for some pots and putting them back on the keep pile. After two hours I only had ten pots on the throw away pile – I hope I made the right decision. I got up in the middle of the night and rescued some from the bin! Click on each photo for a larger view.

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👍 Growing my thumb nails long: This is the time of year when you will be constantly deadheading around your garden and taking off spent flowers to encourage new flowering. This will require numerous trips backwards and forwards to your potting shed to get your secateurs or scissors; sometimes for just one or two blooms. Well, here is a better way, why not carry your secateurs at the end of each hand. By growing your thumbnails long you can handily use the thumbnail and your forefinger to form readily available secateurs. By the end of Summer my thumbnails are so long that I look like a member of the Ming Dynasty.

It is traditional at this time of year that I post a photo of my thumbnail together with those of Cruella. Unfortunately, her absence in the U.K. meant that I had to ask her to send me a photo. The first photo below shows my growing thumbnails. The second is the photo Cruella sent of one of her necklaces. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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I know, I know this is supposed to be a gardening blog. And overall I do try and stick to this, but these are dangerous times; coronavirus is stalking the land, the weather has been terrible and there have been strange and disturbing omens in my garden. To make matters worse Cruella (my wife) is nursing her wrath to keep it warm as she sits in exile in our English house looking after the idiot son. Anyway, more of this later, let’s get some gardening done as there is lots to do in self isolation, or, as I call it “gardening”.

27th April. Things I have been doing lately:

🥀 Dealing with Roses. By now your Roses should be well into their first flowering which should last till the end of May. The second flowering from circa September will depend on how well you treat your Roses now. There are two important things you need to be doing: feeding and deadheading. Those of you who are regular readers of this blog will know that I started off by feeding my Roses in March with a granulated long lasting feed. I am know feeding weekly with a liquid Rose food, but if you can’t get a Rose food, a general purpose food will do.

Whilst feeding is important, daily deadheading is essential if you want to keep your Roses flowering. Some Roses such as “Blythe Spirit” are so profuse that I have to deadhead twice a day. In addition to deadheading, when we have heavy rain go out and shake the Rose heads to empty them of water or they will just rot or drag the stem down; your neighbours may think you are mad, but your Roses will thank you. But remember Roses aren’t all work . There is joy in going out amongst your Roses at about 11 in the morning and smelling the heady scent as you deadhead, don’t forget to listen whilst the Blackbirds sing in the background. The photos below show my Rose beds and a trug with my deadhead bounty that is heading for the compost bin. Click on each photo for a larger view.

✂️ Deadheading bulbs. By now all of your early bulbs should have flowered and should be showing seed heads. You need to cut off the seedheads as soon as possible, whilst at the same time leaving all of the stems. This process will ensure that the plant does not spend energy on trying to reproduce by seed, and instead will put all its energy into the bulb. The means of getting the energy back into the bulb is through the stems, so it is important that you do not cut back the stems till they are fully brown and withered. Nor should you try to tidy the plant up by attempting to tie the stems into a knot. This abomination may look tidier, but the broken stems will not be be able to transfer sunshine back to the bulb. The photos below shows some of my Flag Iris awaiting the chop. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🚑 Saving your cuttings. In recent posts I have been encouraging you to get out there and take as many cuttings as possible in order that you can get free plants. I admit that I am having mixed fortune with cuttings survival rates, but the recent heavy rain has made things worse. You will remember in the last post that I am now placing pots with cuttings into plastic bags to enhance their hydration. However, I soon discovered that the heavy rain battered the bags down and squashed the cuttings. In my quest for inspiration in resolving this I remembered Cruella’s favourite hat style.

By cutting some canes to a set length I was able to place a cane in each pot propping the plastic bag up like a circus centre pole in the big top. The photos below show my cane cutting skills, coupled with my creation of each pots “big top”, the final photo shows the pots on my potting bench clearly showing the influence of Cruella and her normal hat style. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🧟‍♀️ Dealing with sorcery and witchcraft. Those of you who follow this blog will know that not only do I battle against the elements in my every day gardening, but I also have to deal with the malign influence of Cruella (my wife) and her constant attempts to destroy my work. Now, I will confess that whilst she has been away things have been a little easier. However, I can sense from her attitude when I speak to her on FaceTime (or as she calls it the magic mirror) that she is still seeking to exert power over both me and the garden. To lighten her mood I told her it was my birthday today, but her only reply was to reply in a menacing voice “I know I have left you a present and don’t worry I’m watching you”.

Normally I can manage to shrug off Cruella’s threats in the usual way; you know, wearing a cross made out of garlic and onions, searching for a four leaf clover and moving my bed inside a chalk circle at night. But something didn’t seem right as things kept going wrong in the garden. Remembering her threat of “a present” I searched everywhere and then I found it; she had placed a dead Blackbird into one of my water containers. The bird couldn’t have got in there itself as it had a lid on. To make matters worse I had a sense of foreboding and that I was being watched. Then I saw it a large Peacock sitting on the wall watching me. I don’t know where it has come from but it watches my every move in the garden. Pray for me things don’t look good!

🚜 Mulberry Harvest. To end on a light note the photo below shows Tango mid harvest of Mulberries.

These are definitely strange times we are living through. You will remember the 10 plagues of Egypt: Water turning to blood, frogs, cattle death and the death of the first born etc. Well those Egyptians had it easy, apart from the cattle and the death of the firstborn we gardeners suffer most of the others during the normal gardening year. But nowhere in the Bible does it mention a plague of ants or the death of cuttings which tends to make me think that Cruella (my absent wife) is behind these occurrences. She remains at our English house taking care of our idiot son, and recently in a FaceTime call she asked me if I was missing her? without thinking I said I was too busy to miss her. As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I would live to regret them. Her mood darkened instantly, her eyes turned blood red, the cup of tea sitting in front of me started to boil and I saw a flock of small birds fall from the sky behind her. Despite my protestations of regret she merely muttered something about being made to miss her then suddenly the electricity went off in the house the dogs started howling and I fell off my chair in a dead faint.

Which is basically how I ended up with a plague of ants and all my cuttings dying. Anyway, let’s get on with this after all it’s supposed to be about gardening.

14th April. Things I have been doing lately:

🌱 🐜 Dealing with all things lawn. If you have a lawn then now is the time to get active. By now you should have done at least one cut of the grass and killed off broad leaved weeds by applying weedkiller. If possible you should also have given the lawn it’s first feed. If however, like me you cannot get to any open garden centres, then the feeding will have to wait.

My first task this week was to repair and seed a patch of grass in our afternoon lawn. This was a patch which I had already tried to repair at the end of last year but had failed as ants had carried away all of my expensive grass seed overnight and hidden it underground for food. The photo below shows the state of this patch of lawn and my equipment ready for the big reseeding.

Just before I was about to start – and remembering my ant problem from last year – I carefully checked this area of lawn. Sure enough there they were waiting for their annual feed of grass seed. Upon closer inspection some were sporting napkins whilst others were passing out knives and forks. Unfortunately, they had to be dealt with as the grass seed I was using “Kikuyu” is very expensive costing 18€ for a small box. The first photo below shows the remedy to the ant problem. The second photo shows the worlds most expensive grass seed.

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Once the ants had been successfully dealt with and the grass seed scattered over an area of lawn raked with a leaf rake. It was possible to get on with the process of reseeding. In order for grass seed to get the best possible start, and to protect it from birds you need to cover it with a thin layer of soil. Once this is completed then you have two options. You can either tread the the soil down to ensure the seed comes into good contact with the soil, or, as I prefer, you can roll the area with a heavy roller. Some people don’t like rollers as they think they will crush the seed, but they don’t. The first photo below shows the start of the process of using a riddle to spread the soil over the seed. The second shows my roller action.

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Once the reseeding was completed it was time to tidy up the path edges. Wherever grass meets a pathway it will attempt to grow over it and given 20 years or so probably would succeed. However, in the meantime you need to get your trowel, lift the edges of the grass where it creeps over the path and then trim the excess off with scissors or one handed shears. The picture below shows my handiwork.

Whilst walking back to the shed to celebrate my fascinating morning of grass based activities and my triumph over the ants I glanced sideways whilst passing a climbing Hoya, and there waving back at me were Farmer Ants. The ants were happily farming Aphids for the sweet honeydew substance they produce, whilst the Aphids were being protected by the ants and allowed to suck the life out of my Hoya. A quick glance around the vicinity found them at it on a nearby Oleander. This symbiotic relationship (protection rackets) suits them both, but not me so again the ants had to go. The first photo below shows my poor Hoya. The second photo shows a Farmer ant happily at work (sorry about the quality) the final photo shows the Aphids happily colonising my Oleander. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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✂️ Taking cuttings: This is the best time of year to take cuttings and you should be busily going round all your plants and looking for vibrant non flowering shoots to take as cuttings. To be honest normally I have great success with cuttings and by this I mean that I can normally propagate up to half the cuttings I take. However, this year because of the rain, Cruella’s curse and my obvious lack of skill I have lost nearly every cutting. To overcome this dismal record I have now reverted to a process that I haven’t done for a number of years, and is a bit like the processes we are all using to escape the coronavirus, whereby I cover the planted cuttings with a plastic bag.

The starting point when taking cuttings is a bit like the coronavirus advice to keep washing your hands. Though in our case it’s to make sure that your pruning knife or secateurs are sterilised between each cut. To achieve this I have used the alcohol that I usually utilise to cauterise my many bleeding wounds from gardening and I also stole some of Cruella’s heavy duty make up removal pads (industrial strength) to wipe the blade. The photo below shows my reliable old pruning knife that I have had for over 30 years together with my non drinking alcohol.

Once you have suitably sterilised your knife, then you are all set to go a cutting. Look for strong “whippy” stems that are not flowering. As you take each cutting quickly put it into a plastic bag to stop it drying out (this can make a big difference). I take four cuttings at a time. I then rush back to my potting bench, remove all but the top two/four leaves from the cutting and then dip each stem into hormone rooting liquid before planting in a pre prepared and watered pot. Plant four around the rim of a four inch pot. The final stage is to place the pot inside a plastic bag and seal the top with garden twine or wire. Some garden books will tell you to place the plastic bag over the top and seal with an elastic band around the pot. But this is fiddly and often results in you decapitating the cuttings with the elastic band as you try to take it off. Once you have the cuttings sealed within their plastic bag then place them out of direct sunshine for about 2 weeks or until you see some growth. Make sure you open the bag up every so often to check it hasn’t dried out. The photos below show the process in action and the final photo shows my potting bench filling up with cuttings.

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🏆 A gardening success story. When you are a gardener – like me – who plants from seeds and cuttings, you have to plan ahead as it can sometimes take years to see your work come to fruition. If you prefer to just go out and buy plants and stick them in, then that is fine too, but you are missing out on the real mysteries of gardening. However, there can be drawbacks from my approach, all too often things will fail to flourish, die or be trampled by maurading Labradors and you see your years of work destroyed or just fail to live up to your expectations.

Well not this time baby! Three years ago I cut down an old unproductive orange tree, leaving part of the trunk and some branches as a support for climbers. I planted Jasmine and Pink Trumpet Vine as climbers and under planted with a mixture of Margeurites and Aeoniums with a structural blend of other plants. I also planted two groups of Flag Iris bulbs. Now whilst this area has been interesting over the past three years and has had good interest throughout the seasons. What I was waiting for was the final flowering I had imagined. And it came this year and all the waiting was worthwhile as you can see from the photo below.

I am sitting like Miss Havisham at Satis House (minus the wedding dress, but I have cake). All around there is decay and filth. Cobwebs hang from every nook and cranny and the floor is covered in indescribable detritus. Over in the far corner of the room I can just make out some half gnawed bones of what looks like a small animal. The door has bloody claw marks scraped all the way down it as if some poor wretch had made a last ditch bid to escape the indescribable horror of the fate that awaited them. The walls are covered in strange chalked pagan symbols that in places are painted over with what looks like blood. Everything is very dark even though outside the Sun is shining. I think I better get out of Cruella’s (my wife) bedroom before she finds out I’m here and turns me into a toad again.

Don’t worry she won’t find out , she is still at our English house. You will remember from my last post that she flew there (the usual way) with a mission to save our idiot son from coronavirus. Having cast various spells, surrounded his apartment with a Pentangle and flown regular missions around the whole block every night, she assured me this was enough to keep him safe. Unfortunately the government decided to locate a 5,000 bed emergency hospital at the Excel Centre in London, a mere 500 yards outside Cruella’s safety zone. Faced with taking on the whole government she decided to relocate the idiot boy to our house in Rochester for safety. When I asked her how she convinced him to leave his apartment she said it was easy she promised him free beer, wine and takeaways. He is still there now and Cruella is in heaven ministering to his every need like a small Wren to a giant Cuckoo chick.

Anyway enough of stuff we can do nothing about. The real magic is here in the garden where self isolation gives us great opportunities to garden night and day without interruption. Let’s get going.

31st March. Things I have been doing lately:

🏺 Giving pots a make over. No matter how large or small your garden you are bound to have pots around the place. Now the trouble with pots is that most people just stick a plant in, water it occasionaly, and only really look at if it flowers or dies. Now that you have time on your hands I want to encourage you to look at all your pots. At this time of year I check all my pot plants to make sure that I can optimise their performance. The photo below shows a set of pots that I can see need attention for various reasons.

Taken collectively they look a real mess, but they are all suffering from different problems; some of which can be remedied whilst others are terminal and they are headed for the compost bin.

The first plant to be looked at was a large Agave that was suffering from some form of virus that has decimated this plant in our area of Spain. Most of you will have lost this type of plant over the last few years. From the photo below you can see that the plant is severely disfigured and distorted by the virus. There was no way of restoring the plant. In the past I have cut this type of plant right down but the disfiguration comes back on the new growth. It had to be thrown away, but don’t try and compost it as you will introduce the virus to the compost. In my case there was no way it was coming out of its pot as it was tightly bound. The second photo shows the only solution – more added to my large heap of pot crocking that sits beside the compost bins.

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The next pots contained a selection of bulbs that just failed to perform this year. These are stored on the potting bench during the Winter and then brought out in Spring to perform. The first photo below shows how sad they looked. Whilst the second photo shows the problem. The bulbs have become soft, soggy and rotting and would never flower again. Either they had got too wet, or, something had infected the bulbs. Either way they could not be saved.

The next plant wasn’t a lost cause, it just needed some help. From the picture below you can see that this lovely little flowering shrub had become the host for a pernicious weed that was stealing all the goodness from the soil. The remedy was to take it out of the pot, carefully remove every bit of the weed and then repot in fresh compost. The first photo below shows the weed all over the soil but lying low so that you would not notice it. The second shows the remedy. The last photo shows the plant securely repotted and it should hopefully recover. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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The final plant from this sickly selection, is in fact a very healthy plant part of the Bromeliad species this is Aechmea which is very common as a Naya or veranda plant here in Spain. This plant has a particular resonance for me as our idiot son bought this when he was at University and for some peculiar reason named it “Alan”. He studiously neglected it for 4 years – though I am pleased to say not his studies, 1st in a Physics Masters now you ask. This of course is not Alan the First, but is son of Alan as I shall explain below.

Bromeliads are typically watered through the centre of the plant down its funnel of leaves. In addition they famously reproduce in the same pot and end up with lots of crowded plants (which they don’t seem to mind). The photo below shows one of my Aechmea in its undivided state.

To make more plants, all you have to do is ease the plant out of its pot. Then cradling it in your hands gently prise each individual baby plant away from the main plant. The plants do not have a lot of root so don’t worry if it looks as if all you have is just a few leaves. Once you have prised them apart repot the new plants in a nice free draining compost and then place them back into semi shade (the Naya is ideal). They will flourish there and you will have got some plants for free. If you don’t want them all give them away to friends. At the moment I have Alans all over the Naya as Cruella is not here to complain. The photos below show the divided plants and their eventual new home. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🌺 Renewing compost in various pot plants. Just because you put a plant in a pot a few years ago, doesn’t mean that it will stay happy and healthy for ever. How would you like it if you only ever got fed once? That’s why at this time of year, and especially as you have nothing else to do as you are self isolated, you should replenish the compost in all your pots.

Although I do not have that many plants in pots, I always once a year, renew the compost in each pot (not succulents). All you have to do is scrape away and remove the top layer of soil in the pot. Only do this as far as the main roots, don’t worry if you dig up some fine feeder roots as these will renew themselves. Once you have scooped out as much soil as you safely can, then add into the pot a handful of granulated slow release plant food. Then top the pot up with nice fresh compost from your compost bin or from a bought in bag. Your plants will reward you with fresh vigour and better flowering.

The first photo below shows my compost renewal set up with a stool to sit on (I’m old) and trugs for old soil and for new.

The next photos show the process of scraping out the old soil, note the feeder roots. Whilst doing this take the opportunity to remove any weeds and suckers from the stems. And finally topping up with lush compost. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🌳 Potting on Fig trees. Every so often I will take hardwood cuttings from trees and try and grow them on. I have been very successful over the years with Fig trees which have a tremendous lust for life and just love to develop from cuttings. However, the trick is to move them on to larger pots every year to 18 months so that they can develop and progress to achieve their potential. The photo below shows three cuttings sitting on the potting bench. These are 18 months old and ready for their next size pot.

The trick to successfully potting on is to make sure that the plant is settled into its new pot at the same level as in its old one. To achieve this you need to place compost in the bottom of the new pot and then rest the plant inside its old pot on top of this until you are happy with its level. Then leaving the plant in its old pot begin to fill around this with the new compost, first photo below. Tamp the compost firmly into place, and then twist the old pot around and carefully remove it from the new compost. If you have done this correctly then you should be left with a pot shaped space inside your new compost, second photo.

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The final photo shows the potted on trees now settling into a Summer of full Sun. These cuttings will give Figs this Summer which are always welcome. Their next stopping point will be planting into the ground; I don’t quite know where.

The whole of the world is in crisis but the garden is still there happily growing away and requiring our attention. We gardeners are quite used to self isolation as we wander around in our own world digging, weeding, sowing, pruning and generally just enjoying the joys of nature.

Right, that’s enough of that philosophical stuff, let me tell you the good news. Cruella (my wife) has decided to remain at our English house in case our idiot son becomes ill. She is applying all of her considerable powers to keeping him healthy. She has draped a garland of garlic round his neck, and topped it off with a large wooden cross. Not satisfied with that his personal space is enveloped in a series of spells and hexes and she has drawn a large pentangle in chalk around the whole perimeter of his apartment block. In addition she spends each night flying around his tower in a menacing and malevolent circle that keeps everything away. She has been picked up on London City Airport radar and most flights have been grounded.

When I queried what sort of protection I could expect from her she merely laughed and recommended I get some Paracetemol.

20th March. Things I have been doing lately:

🍴 Feeding and composting citrus trees. I mentioned the importance of this in my last post, but I thought I would return to it because people are constantly asking me how I have so much fruit and they haven’t got any. If you feed and compost your trees you are more or less guaranteed a good crop of fruit. This should provide you with the impetus to get a compost bin, or start a compost heap.

There are four key stages to feeding your trees:

Weed – The first thing you need to do is to hoe under each of your trees making sure you remove all weeds.

Feed – Scatter under each tree the appropriate amount of a good quality granulated, slow release fertilising citrus food. I generally find that about two handfuls are appropriate for a mature tree. Remember you will also be using liquid feed later in the season.

Water – Using your hose pipe drench the soil under each tree. This has two purposes. Firstly, you are washing the feed into the soil and making sure it makes good contact with the soil. Secondly, you are preparing to seal in the moisture before applying compost.

Compost – Apply a thick layer of compost, at least two inches thick, under each tree. When you apply compost under a tree you are adding the magic ingredient and creating a number of benefits. You are suppressing weeds, feeding the tree with micro nutrients, and encouraging worms to pull the compost down into the soil which will stop soil compaction under your trees.

The photos below show each stage of the process: Click on each photo for a larger view.

One word of warning. Most fruit trees are grafted on to a strong root stock which will usually not be of the same species as your tree. This is not normally a problem and makes for a strong tree. However, it is important that you do not cover over the graft with compost as this may encourage the root stock to start growing in its own right. The graft is normally right at the bottom of the trunk and can be recognised as a bulge in the trunk. When you apply compost make sure you clear a space around the graft. See photo below.

🧟‍♀️ Undoing Cruella’s handiwork. Whenever Cruella goes away she leaves a series of deadly traps to keep me on my toes. Usually these consist of her normal everyday antics: ladders sawn through, grease on stairs, bare electric wires linked to door handles. I never know where they are, or when they will happen, so it came as no surprise to me that a water pipe in the garden suddenly erupted into a geyser of water 20ft high. Luckily, there is a stopcock for this particular pipe and it does not affect the house supply.

At the time I assumed that as this was an old pipe it had just rusted and given way. However, on closer inspection the base of the pipe showed the unmistakable marks of a hacksaw that had successfully weakened the pipe. As if this was not conclusive enough, I found Cruella’s trademark offerings of a dead animal skull and maggots at the base of the pipe. My problem now is that as everything is closed and I can’t mend the pipe. When I confronted Cruella with this fact she denied all responsibility and said it could have been anyone. When I showed her the dead animal she merely smiled and muttered something about corona virus affecting animals.

The first photo below show the devastation caused by you know who and the cut pipe that I now cannot repair. The second and third photos have all the hallmarks of Cruella. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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