nature – Spanish Garden

The big Winter cutback Part 1. and the chickens think we are having Tofu for Christmas dinner

Well it’s that time of year again when gardeners need to “stiffen up the sinews and summon up the blood…once more unto the garden, dear friends” yes, it is time for the big winter cutback.

If you prune and cutback your garden now you will see amazing results in spring and summer; failure to do so will leave your garden tired and browning during the summer months. Over the next few posts I will be be cutting back my garden which is full of common Spanish plants that you will find in your garden, and if you follow me week by week then by the time we have finished your garden will be ready for the summer.

The only thing that will hold me back is the obvious festivities celebrating the birth of Christ and the fact that Cruella (my wife) is in paroxysms of ecstasy as she awaits the arrival of our idiot son. All week she and the chickens have been preparing for the return this has included a special Christmas song, a dance and a Japanese Haku – he speaks Japanese and a bit of English! I thought you might like to see the Haku:

Wings flare, voices rise – Our lost chick returns at last, – Yuletide clucks resound.

In addition she has told the chickens that we are having Tofu for Christmas dinner which is of course inaccurate as we are having Turkey; so I now have to call it the “T”word in front of the chickens. The photo below shows the chickens practicing the Haku.

***The little white dove leads the chorus***

Anyway enough of this festive nonsense, on with the gardening.

13th December 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Over wintering Chillis
Pruning Dame de Noche
Trimming Oleander
Cutting back my towers of flower
Pruning Mediterranean Fan Palms

Over wintering Chillis. I do not grow any vegetables apart from Chillis, and if you do the same then it is time to overwinter them.

By now your Chilli plants will be looking tired and a bit ragged and their compost will be completely exhausted. If you leave them like this over winter then they will die. The photos below shows my exhausted Chillis before their cutback and after the big trim. To revive them you first need to cut the whole plant back leaving just a few leaves low on the stem.

Once you have done this you then need to ease each plant out of its large pot ready to fit into a smaller overwintering pot. As you take each plant out radically trim its roots – it won’t need all these roots in a small pot. You then need to repot your plants into a much smaller pot. You need to use a good quality compost to refresh them. Water profusely then leave them sitting on your potting bench over winter. When they start to show new growth in the spring, ease them out and back into their bigger pots and off you go again.

The photos below show the chilli reviving process in action.

Pruning Dame de Noche. Night flowering Jasmine is a perennial favourite in Spanish gardens, prized for it’s beautiful night scent it is often situated by outdoor seating areas.

This plant can grow very tall if left to its own devices, but it benefits from two prunes a year. Prune once after it has flowered in June/July and it will re flower. Give it a final cutback to your preferred height in Dec/Jan – you can go as low as 18 inches. As I gave my plant a very radical cutback last year, I am leaving it longer this year. The photos below shows my plant before and after its haircut.

Trimming Oleander. Oleander is a Spanish favourite grown either as a single plant or as a hedge. I have a few dotted around my garden mainly as statement plants or part of a set area arrangement.

The first photo below shows an Oleander that I grow in my dry garden area as part of a set arrangement with Osteospermums and yuccas etc. If not cutback every year or so then the Oleander will overwhelm the other low growing plants and ruin the symmetry of this part of the garden. You can cut Oleander back quite radically and it will spring back within a year or so.

The photo below shows an Oleander that stands alone in another part of my garden as a statement plant. Here I only need to prune a couple of inches off the edge to keep the plant shapely.

Cutting back my towers of flower. Regular readers of this blog will know that I grow a number of climbers up an old palm tree that I had chopped back a few years ago. This flowers profusely all summer and gives me a “tower of flower”. To trim this beauty back all I need to do is run my hedge clippers up it and it is ready for another year of flowering.

I would add a note of caution should you wish to copy me. At first you will be able to lean your ladder up against the old palm trunk as you trim. However, after a number of years the centre of the trunk will rot and it is not safe so you need to use a stepladder. Apart from that it is lovely as can be seen below with its seed pods giving winter interest before it is cut back.

Pruning Mediterranean Fan Palms. December and January are the best time to prune palms as the dreaded Red Palm Weevil will not be flying. I have a professional Palmista for my large palms, but for a stand of Mediterranean Fan Palms I just get stuck in myself. The photo below shows the palms I need to cutback.

From these photos you can see that there are two key areas of pruning. Firstly the undergrowth of pups needs to be reduced so that you can successfully walk past the palms without being snagged. Secondly the crowns on the large palms need to be pruned back so that the top fronds stand up. When cutting back palms it is always wise to wear a thick jacket and make sure you wear goggles. Despite my best efforts I ended up with a Palm frond hanging by a thorn from my nostril – very painful.

Normally I use short handled lopers for the low growth and my long handled lopers to reach the crown. However, this year I experimented and used my new electric hedge trimmers to cut most of it back. I must confess it was a lot easier although not as neat as normal. The photos below show my efforts.

I undertake the annual lawn makeover and Cruella is in a photo shoot

If you have a lawn then now is the time to undertake your annual makeover and get it ready for next Summer. Over the year your lawn will become tired and congested with a thatch of mowed clippings, weeds and general detritus. To bring your lawn back to life you have to be totally ruthless and take your lawn through a near death experience.

When I told my Cruella (my wife) that I was going to scarify the lawn she was delighted and immediately went and told her girls. I could hear them all chuckling and chatting away in chickenese. At first I couldn’t work out why she would be so thrilled at lawn repairs, but then it gradually dawned on me. Halloween, is coming up soon and she assumed that scarifying was linked to Halloween. Anyway more of this nonsense later, there is a lawn to repair.

11th October 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Undertaking the annual lawn makeover. I know not many people in Spain have lawns (for the obvious reason). However, if you do have a lawn then don’t take it for granted. Yes, of course you should cut it and feed and weed it. But every one or two years you need to dethatch and aerate your lawn otherwise it just becomes a congested mat that gradually goes from green to brown.

There are a number of stages to the annual makeover process:

Mow the lawn twice
Scarify and aerate
Top dress and brush
Water in and feed

Mow the lawn twice. The starting point for your annual makeover is to cut the grass as short as you can. The best way to do this is in two stages as this will do the least damage to the grass. On the first day set your mower blades to half way and mow the lawn. On the second day the grass should be standing upright again and you now need to mow on the lowest cut possible without scalping the lawn. The reasoning behind getting the grass as short as possible is that when scarifying you wont tear the grass out by its shoots. The photos below show my first and second mows.

Scarify and aerate. Once you have got the grass as short as possible it is time to scarify and aerate. In essence this means raking the lawn with a specialised lawn tine rake to remove all the thatch and then pricking all over with a fork. This can be amazingly tiring, so if you have lots to do get yourself an electric scarifier and aerater.

I bought an electric scarifier years ago, and although it is only used once per year, it has proved invaluable in saving me hours of back breaking work. The photo below shows the scarifier and the outcome. I know the lawn looks dead, but just you wait.

Top dress and brush in. The next and most tiring stage is to apply a top dressing of fine compost. Here in Spain this is known as Mantillo. In total I used 18 50 litre bags – you should see my muscles. The photo below shows the 9 bags of Mantillo that I thought would suffice, only to be forced to go and buy 9 more, together with my first of many loads.

To top dress you spread shovels of Mantillo lightly across the lawn in manageable stages. Once the Mantillo is down you then need to brush it in with a besom type broom first one way then the other to ensure an even spread. Luckily, my house has a ready supply of Witches besoms.

As you can imagine the brushing in stage takes a long time the photos below shows the process in action.

I was at the point of maximum tiredness when I hit upon a brilliant idea. When Cruella (my wife) walked by and asked what I was doing I told her I was scarifying the lawn for Halloween. I explained that in effect I was preparing the lawn as I had been contracted to produce a witches gardening calendar and that the lawn had looked too green and cheerful to be in the photo shoot.

When she asked what was involved I explained that each month would feature a witch undertaking gardening activity. I then explained that I was stumped as I did not yet have a Miss October. Instantly she said could her and her girls feature. At first I said really I am looking for a professional model but eventually I relented and went and sat in the shade whilst she strutted her stuff. Occasionally I strolled out and took photos of her which I assured her would be sent to “the Agency”. The photos below show her in action.

When she had finished I told her that her agent should contact me as there may be future work; I even hinted at a film. Her and her girls ran off chattering away in Chickenese about what they would wear to the Oscars. Anyway, the photos below show my fully top dressed lawn.

Water in and feed. The final stages of the annual lawn makeover would normally involve copiously watering of the lawn to ensure that the top dressing filters down to the soil, followed by the application of a good lawn food. Well if you live in this part of Spain you will know that the watering in was taken care of by a three day thunder storm. The feeding I will do in a few days when the grass is dry. The photo below shows my sodden lawn with the Mantillo well and truly washed into the soil.

Finally I thought you might like to see a photo of Cruella (my wife) after her hard day sweeping the lawn. I had no sooner shouted “it’s a wrap” than she had fallen fast asleep with Helga her favourite chicken in her arms.

I garden with tears in my eyes and the chickens gamble for Tango’s things

We all knew it was coming but it is now official; Tango the lonely blind Labrador is lonely no more and he can see. He has gone to be an Angel in God’s garden, joining his brother in chicken free glory.

We better get on with the gardening or this will end up as a tear stained blog filled with memories and no plants.

10th September 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Giving hedges a little trim
A bit of messing around with trees
Beginning to harvest grapes
Using Cathie’s big pots
Tango bids farewell amidst unsightly chicken behaviour

Giving hedges a little trim. If you have hedges now is not the time to undertake a big cutback, that can wait till January. However, if your hedges are getting in the way of other plants or are stopping you walking round your garden, then now is not a bad time to get them back into shape as September is still warm and there will still be growth.

Some of my hedges overlook my lawn, and as such they shade part of the grass, more importantly they will impede my lawn work in October. The photos below show the problem.

Using my long handled hedge trimmers I just gently took off the ends of the main branches to expose the lawn ready for scarifying, top dressing, reseeding and feeding in October. See the difference below.

A bit of messing around with trees. Just like hedges, you shouldn’t really cut trees at the moment. However, there are two things you should be looking out for and dealing with.

Firstly, if you have any variegated leafed trees then you need to keep an eye out for full green leafed growth. Fully green leaves have much more chlorophyll and are therefore better able to process sunlight than the variegated type. In effect this means if you do not cut out fully green growth then it will soon take over the tree and you no longer have variegation.

I have a weeping Ficus that I cloud prune, therefore I keep an eye on it for green growth. The photos below show my little tree, but then round the back I have discovered some full green growth. It had to go.

Secondly, If you have deciduous trees, that lose all their leaves in winter, then now is the time to look out for and cut out dead branches. Whilst the trees still have their leaves you are able to detect any branches that are totally leafless. Check that the branches are dead by scraping back the bark in a small area. If you see no green then the branches is dead. Just cut it right out at its base. The photos below show me taking out dead branches on a little peach tree.

Beginning to harvest grapes. You will remember in a previous post that I recommended that you bag up your grapes to save them from pests and disease. Well if you did so then now is the time to begin harvesting.

On a weekly basis go round and look inside each of your little bags to see how your grapes are ripening. I recommend that you do not try to harvest them all at once, as they will ripen at different times, and anyway you can’t eat them all at once.

To harvest your grapes just cut the stem above the bag and remove your bunch. All you have to do then is give them a rinse, let them dry and refrigerate to eat at your leisure. See my efforts below.

Using Cathie’s big pots. My friend Cathie kindly donated two large interesting pots to me some 6 months ago. Cathie is one of those gardeners who has an eye for garden design, but an uncanny habit of killing any plant she touches.

Although I have pots, I never really consider myself a pot gardener. But these were too good to turn down so I have spent the past six months contemplating how to use them, what to plant in them and where to put them.

I have grown a variety of cuttings as potential pot residents, but eventually I have decided on “little pickles” as the tenants. The lovely pots and their potential new tenants can be seen in the photo below.

I didn’t want to just fill the pots with compost as this would have been a waste. So instead I stuffed half of each pot with old T-shirts and a few pots and topped up the remainder with compost rammed down. I then eased the little pickles out of their pots; both showed good root growth as can be seen below. I think they look rather nice in their final position. As they grow and cascade to touch the ground I will take some cuttings to give to Cathie to kill.

Tango bids farewell amidst unsightly chicken behaviour. We knew it was coming but it didn’t make it any easier. The vet duly called, Tango was sleeping and barely raised his head as the vet shaved his leg for his final injection. He passed so peacefully. Cruella (my wife) threw herself on his lifeless body in a fit of funereal histrionics, her chickens meanwhile gazed through the window at Tangos deathbed scene with blank eyed indifference.

The vet took Tango away and I went down to the Wild Wood to tell the bees. It is traditional when a member of the family passes away to go and tell the bees. I went to each hive and knocked three times and said the traditional words: “Bees, bees, hear what I say, poor old blind Tango has passed away.” The bees were very respectful and it gladdened my sad heart.

As I came up from the wood I could hear a cacophony of cackling Chickenese coupled with squabbling noises. As I rounded the corner of the house there was Cruella and her chickens throwing dice to decide who would get Tango’s various things. His bed, collars, brushes, dinner bowls and leads were all laid out in front of them as they gambled for them.

I rushed forward and gathered everything up and raced to my shed and locked myself in. They are out there now shouting profanities in Chickenese whilst Cruella keeps trying to get the door open. They have no respect, I think they’ve been drinking.

***Tango when he was a puppy, he could see and he wasn’t lonely.***

I prepare for autumn and Tango gets an unwelcome visitor

Although we are still in full summer in Spain, your garden will soon start tipping over into autumn and you need to prepare. When you see the shops in Spain laying out their winter clothes then you know it is time.

Besides beginning to collect seeds – which I talked about in my last post – you also need to keep deadheading and start to prepare your soil etc. I will try to cover how to deal with some of the most common plants. But in the meantime Tango the lonely blind Labrador has had to have a visit from the Vet “to make arrangements”!

More of all this later, on with the happy stuff of gardening.

29th August 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Cutting back Osteospermum
Tidying up Bird of Paradise
Tango has a visitor

Cutting back Osteospermum. Osteospermum are a common Margeurite Daisy and are a mainstay of my flower beds and many other gardens in Spain. These adaptable perrenials are free flowering from February till December and provide bulk and presence in your borders. The photo below shows some of my borders with Osteospermum and Marigolds, and as you can see it has all become a bit blowsy.

When I cut back Osteospermums I want to do two things. Firstly, if possible to cut the plant right back to the last few leaves to see if it will regrow. But if it looks a bit dead I will take it out. Secondly, and most importantly I want to open to ground up to light so that the fallen Osteospermum seeds can begin to germinate.

The first photo below shows you the centre of the plants with potential to be cut back, look inside the marked area and you will see lots of new leaf growth.The second photo shows a plant with no future growth potential which I have taken out. The final photo shows where those with no potential end up – so take note.

The final photo shows the flower bed cutback and tidied up. But most importantly note that I have not hoed the ground between the plants. If I did this then I would disturb all the seeds waiting to germinate. Instead, I give the area a good watering both to encourage the cutback plants, and to bring on the seed germination. In a few weeks there will be hundreds of seedlings here.

Tidying up Bird of Paradise. Strelitzia Reginae is a much welcomed plant in Spanish gardens for its exotic looks and ability to form large clumps. When in full flower the plant can look stunning, but to keep it that way you have to do some essential work.

The first thing to do is stand back and take a long hard look at your plant before you decide what needs doing and how you a going to do it. The photo below show my Strelitzia and its problems. From this you can see that my cluster is in need of both sharpening up and tidying up.

The first thing to deal with is any flowers that have become untidy. Don’t be afraid of cleaning up the flowers by pulling back on dead growth to remove it from the flower. If you are deadheading completely then sometimes you will remove the stem right to the ground, but at other times look down the stem and if you see an angled area of growth, just cut there as it will encourage a new stem. See the photos below.

Next you need to work your way around the plant removing any old cutback stems. Sometimes you will need to cut these back with your secateurs, but at other times you can just pull them out by giving a tug. See photos below.

Finally, work your way methodically around the plant in a circle cutting out any growth you no longer require. Keep any eye out for potential new growth spurting from existing stems and cut diagonally just above them to encourage new shoots. See photos.

Finish off by making sure that you compost everything and thereby recycling this lovely plant. Don’t forget to feed. See photos.

Tango has a visitor. Tango the lonely blind Labrador is 17 years old. He is a miracle of determination and perseverance. Cruella (my wife) and I have had many Labradors, most of which have died at about 10-12 years. Despite his many ailments Tango has been a stalwart and has bravely carried on through every setback including being beset by Cruella’s chickens.

Unfortunately, Tango’s time may be coming to an end. We called the vet out to check him over, and it won’t be very long. When the vet had gone I assured Tango it was just a check up and there was nothing to worry about. But somehow he knew. He kept asking me would he be able to see in heaven and would his brother be there. I assured him on both counts. Finally he asked would there be chickens in heaven; I said definitely not – they are all in hell.

I pick seed winners, rescue a Leek and demand that chickens wear nappies

We are now in the dog days of Summer; the heat is intense, plants are wilting, water bills are high and Cruella (my wife) is refusing to fit nappies (diapers for US readers) to her chickens. I know it is all a bit surreal, but you should try living here. Anyway on with the gardening.

20th August 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Selecting the best blooms for seed
Cutting back Petunias
Dealing with tree suckers
Rescuing a common houseleek
Petitioning for chicken nappies

Selecting the best blooms for seed. Now is the time to consider which blooms you are not going to deadhead, but instead save for next years seed. As you wander up and down your borders deadheading, look out for the best blooms and mark them for seed. To be honest I should have done this earlier in the summer but I have been just too busy.

The benefit of marking the best flowers for seed, is that you do not accidentally deadhead them. Just get some masking tape, select the blooms you want to save, and wrap a band of masking tape around the stem to remind you not to deadhead this particular flower. I do this because when the flowers shrivel and die they all look alike, but if I mark the best ones I will save them for my next years seed. The photos below show some of my marked blooms.

Cutting back Petunias. I have mentioned in recent post that I have been delighted with Petunias this year. They have flowered like crazy and given me much joy. As long as you deadhead them each day – by plucking off spent flowers – they will keep flowering. However, by now they are getting a bit leggy as you can see in the photo below.

***For some reason this pot does extremely well***

To keep them flowering then you need to cut back the longer stems by a third to half. Don’t do all of them just select a few each week and prune them with secateurs. The photos below show me pruning to ensure flowering all the way to October hopefully.

Dealing with tree suckers. Tree suckers are those little bright green shoots that you see sprouting from the bottom of the trunk on your trees. It is important that you remove these as they are in effect sucking the goodness out of your tree before it reaches the leaves and fruit.

Tree suckers are particularly a problem on older trees, especially those suckers that are growing from below the soil as these may be root stock suckers that are no good to anyone. You need to remove suckers on a regular basis. The simplest way is to pull sharply downwards on the sucker and tear it away from the trunk, this method is far better than cutting with secateurs, as it seems to inhibit further growth.

The photos below show a sample of my trees before and after with a variety of types of suckers. Click on each photo for a larger view.

***Do not use your hands to remove suckers from palms***

Rescuing a common house leek. I don’t have many succulents in pots, but a while ago I potted up some house leeks with a variety of other succulents and they looked rather nice. Well, they all started to die and rot and it was all my fault. It was simple really, my nice pot of succulents sat between two pots of petunias, and as I watered one pot of petunias and moved across to the next, I would just give the succulents a squirt of water. But never do this, or you will get what I got a pot of rot. See the photo below. Click on each photo for a larger view.

If you catch this in time, then the solution is simple, stop watering! Then you have to dig up the plants, clean them of dead foliage and rot and repot them in a nice free draining compost with added vermiculite. Once settled water them once a month if necessary The photos below show my little succulents being rescued and revived.

Petitioning for chicken nappies. I don’t know how to put this delicately, but Cruella’s chickens are poohing everywhere they shouldn’t. I expect them to pooh in the garden, in fact I welcome it. But lately they have been congregating on our Naya (veranda), covering it in Pooh and then sneaking into the house to torment Tango the lonely blind Labrador by poohing near him. He then rolls over to ease his many pains and ends up covered in chicken Pooh.

I approached Cruella (my wife) with the problem, but she flat out denied that it was her girls. She began to blush and exclaimed that her girls were too well brought up for such things and were well versed in “toilette”. Anyway I presented her with the photo evidence below. Click on each photo for a larger view.

At first she denied they were real photos and I must have photoshopped her girls in. When I insisted this was not the case she changed her story and said her girls were just popping in to see if Tango the lonely blind Labrador was ok!?

Anyway, she has refused my suggestion of chicken nappies and instead insisted that I should put up an old fly screen over the door. So far poor old Tango has got tangled in the screen and fallen out the door three times; the chickens just stand back and mock him in chickenese as he struggles to free himself. It is a bit like watching Samson being mocked in the temple of Dagon by the Philistines.

I am deadheading night and day, Cruella has a new broom and the chickens are disrespecting Tango

By now your garden should be at its peak, with flowers galore, soft fruits and figs etc coming out of your ears. And yes, I know it’s hot, but when the going gets tough, the tough get gardening. As if all this isn’t enough Cruella has upgraded her broom to a digital model, she says it is the equivalent of the Airfryer of brooms, but I don’t know what she is talking about. The photo below shows a delighted Cruella with her new broom.

***If you look closely the handle has a hole in the top, Cruella tells me this is to hang your handbag when flying.***

Oh! and the chickens are trying to make Tango the lonely blind Labrador homeless and are disrespecting him. Anyway, on with the gardening.

5th August 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Deadheading
Harvesting and preserving figs
Dealing with the Chillis disaster
The chickens are disrespecting Tango

Deadheading. You have done all the hard work, planting seeds, potting on, planting out etc. And now you can enjoy your lovely summer flowers. Even if you shamefully went out and bought your plants, I can forgive you, as long as you deadhead every day.

Every plant will attempt to flower only once and then put all its energy into setting seed. The plants whole purpose is to fulfill its life cycle by setting the next generation. However, if you let this happen then all you will mainly get is a quick flush of flower then borders full of brownish wilting plant stems.

If you want flowers all summer then you need to deadhead daily. At its simplest this means taking off the spent flowers heads to encourage the plant to continue to flower.

Most deadheading is very simple. Take your secateurs to just under the spent flowers head, but don’t cut there. Instead, slide your secateurs down the stem of the plant till you meet the next flush of leaves, cut here. In this way your cut will be at a growth node and you will not be leaving behind deadwood that could get infected. However, sometimes you have to deadhead certain plants differently so I have outlined some examples below.

Marigolds. Marigolds are stalwarts in my flower beds and are wonderful flowerers all summer. You deadhead Marigolds in the traditional way by moving your secateurs down the stem. See photos.

Petunias. I have planted Petunias from seed this year and they have been delightful. Once they get going they flower profusely with new flowers every day. To get the best out of Petunias I deadhead them every morning and sometimes twice a day.

You do not prune Petunias, instead you deftly pluck out the spent flowers. However, it is difficult at first to tell which is a new flower and which is a spent flower. So you have to train your eye to tell the difference. A new unopened flower will come straight out from the stem as a closed funnel (which to be honest can look dead).

A spent flower that has been left and not deadheaded soon enough looks exactly like a new flower with the only difference that it has a slight curl at the end, and if you feel it, it will feel a little bit crusty. The first photo below shows an emerging flower, whilst the second shows a spent flower.

Cruella just looked over my shoulder, read this and said “nobody cares about your bloody flowers”.

Roses. Most of my roses are single bloomers and in the main it is all over by late May with another little flush roundabout now. The one exception is an old standard rose that I planted in a hedge years ago. This thrives on neglect and flowers beautifully all summer. To prune roses, wait until most of the colour has gone out of the individual blooms and then deadhead by sliding your secateurs down the stem as outlined above. The photo below shows my lovely old rose flowering away and how to deadhead.

Rain Lily. By now all of my bulb plants have flowered, been deadheaded and are happily sleeping in the soil till next Spring. The one exception is a lovely little pot of Rain Lily (Zephranthes Carinata). This lovely little plant flowers like crazy, but like all bulbs you just take off the seed head and let the stems die back naturally. It will be cut back to the soil in the autumn, but now it is time to just enjoy. The photos below show the little wonder.

Harvesting and preserving figs. If you pruned your fig tree correctly, then by now you will be awash with figs. Luckily I love figs, but even I can’t keep up with the harvest. The photos below show my daily harvest from two trees.

Now there are lots of things you can make with figs, so just look it up on the internet. But, if you want to preserve that luscious juicy feeling through till the autumn then I recommend drying your figs in the sun and then freezing them for use later.

It is quite simple as long as you remember that your figs will be under attack from ants, flys and birds, so you have to protect them. All you need is a few mesh baking type trays, fly coverings which you can get from most “China” shops (sorry those of you in the US, it is a common term in Spain).

Cut your figs into halves and then space them out in rows on your mesh tray. Put this out into your garden on a table in full sun all day. You must place the legs of your table into pots of water to ensure that ants can’t climb up and destroy your figs. The easiest thing to do is just cut a plastic orange or milk bottle in two and fill the bottom with water.

Leave your figs in full sun all day, but take them indoors each night and keep them covered. It takes about two to three days to dry the figs. The first photo below shows my sun drying technique, whilst the second shows some figs ready to freeze. They can be used as a snack or used in cereals and porridge.

Dealing with the Chillis disaster. I have grown lots of Chilli plants from seed this year. I had so many that I kept 8 but have given lots away to friends. All was going well with plenty of flowers and nascent Chillis; that was until the chickens found them. I had placed them in pots at the rear of our house where the chickens seldom go, but I came out one morning to find the plants stripped of all flowers and the little Chillis and most of the leaves.

I was extremely distressed and complained to Cruella (my wife), but she just shrugged her shoulders and said “girls will be girls, you shouldn’t have left the stupid things there anyway”. In the end I put my plants up on tables out of the reach of the chickens, but then we had a terrible storm that blew all the plants off the table and removed all the new little Chillis. I have persevered and at last I have some Chillis. See the photos below for the hapless chilli plants and my little harvest.

***It seemed a good idea putting them on tables***

The chickens are disrespecting Tango. Tango the lonely blind Labrador was for so many years top dog. Together with his late brother Nero he rampaged around the garden, guarded the house and was generally just lovely. However, lately age and ill health have forced him down the animal pecking order. Now 17, blind, deaf, only three good legs and a gigantic tumour he cuts a sad figure. To me he will always be a puppy, but Cruella and her chickens laugh at him, mock his infirmities and snigger when he can’t get up. He is a bit like Samuel chained to the pillars by the Philistines in the temple of Dagon.

Tango’s situation has been made worse by Cruella’s new broom. She has been distracted with test flights and the chickens and their friend the Dove have started picking on Tango. They turn their backs to him every time he walks past and just snigger. They try and stop him entering the house by blocking the doorway. However, the latest indignity is the worst; the Dove has started bathing in Tango’s drinking bowl.

Tango has started having stress nose bleeds, so we are pulling together a “class action” to prove cruelty to dogs and Chillis. We are still working on the paper work, I will let you know how we get on. The photos below show Cruella starting one of her test flights, followed by various acts of cruelty.

***She has already knocked the satellite dish off the roof***

The idiot returns, chickens net figs, I style Yuccas and sing to orphans

All of the above is true, and in that order. I know we are stretching it a bit as a gardening blog, but all I really want to do is garden, but other things keep interfering.

Our idiot son returned for his birthday weekend. Cruella (my wife) and her chickens had spent days preparing. There were banners, a specially commissioned song in Chickenese and a Haiku poem as he likes Japan.

Welcome, dearest one

The house wakes to your presence

Sunlight fills the rooms.

When Cruella told me that her girls were going to perform a special Haiku, I thought she meant Haka that the New Zealand rugby players do; I was looking forward to seeing chickens dancing and sticking out their tongues, you can imagine my disappointment. Anyway, on with the gardening.

19th July 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Netting figs
Styling Yuccas
Singing to orphans as I clear the potting bench

Netting Figs
If you have fig trees then now is the time to net them. Even though your figs are probably not quite ripe, don’t postpone this necessary task as the birds can easily strip a fig tree of ripe fruit overnight.

If you are going to net your figs or other fruits, then it is important that you use the correct small gauge mesh netting. If you use a larger open mesh then this will become invisible to the birds, they will fly into it and get caught. When you come out in the morning to inspect your figs you will find a flock of fat birds hanging upside down and flapping. The photo below shows the netting I use.

I have two fig trees, one of which I have espaliered along a wall. My normal approach is to invite different friends around to assist with this task. But Cruella insisted that it would be a good bonding activity for her girls and their brother (the idiot son). Despite my protests that chickens could not net, she insisted her girls had been raised to do anything a man could do.

I netted the espalier fig myself and would have gone on to try and net the big fig myself, but Cruella saw me and insisted I was denying her girls a “learning experience”. Anyway the photos below show the espalier being netted.

The first part of netting the big fig is to measure out and cut the amount of net needed. Once this is done you need to join together the two halves of the net as most nets are never wide enough to completely cover the tree. The photos below show Cruella and the idiot boy in action. I was in charge of strategy and Cruella decided it was too hot for the chickens and they should remain in the shade.

***Cruella had already smothered them in sun screen***

The photos below show the measuring out stage followed by the joining together stage.

***The idiot boy trying to find the end of the net***

The next stage is hauling your net over the top of the tree without it becoming ensnared into the branches at the top. I have developed a technique over the years that requires two people to manoeuvre the net down the side of the tree whilst I hoist the middle of the net up using an extendable pole. The photos below show this process in action.

The final stage is tieing your net down around the tree to lower branches. The photos below shows the idiot son in action tying in, followed by a triumphant photo of me.

***5 years in the scouts and still can’t tie a knot***

***None of this would have been possible without my technical,expertise***

When we had finally netted and tied down the tree, Cruella insisted that we should have a party to celebrate her girls first time netting; I pointed out that they hadn’t done anything but she accused me of nitpicking or possibly a “hate crime”. Anyway the party photos are below.

***This was the cabaret the idiot boy doing his ventriloquism act***

Styling Yuccas
Those of you with Yuccas – and this means everyone in Spain – know that these can be useful, hardy, statuesque plants that can add height and interest to your garden. However once Yuccas get too tall or messy then they detract from your garden and end up looking like extras from those bad 1960’s westerns. It needn’t be this way. As Yuccas are canes they can be cut back and shaped to your desire and they will normally regrow from around your cut area.

Every 5 years or so I chop all my yuccas back to a manageable and interesting height. I then leave the cut plants for about 3 months or so till I start seeing regrowth. Usually there will be far more sprouting shoots than you require and some will be in the wrong place. All you need to do, is take your gardening knife, wander round the plant and choose the shoots that you wish to retain, those you don’t want just cut back cleanly where they join the trunk.

The photos below show where to prune and my various yuccas before and after their restyling. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Singing to orphans as I clear the potting bench

One of my saddest jobs as a gardeners is telling the plants that remain on the potting bench that unfortunately they won’t be going out in the garden. These are the orphans who have failed to be chosen, either because they are just not pretty enough or are just too immature. Now with the hot weather they won’t be able to be planted out.

I always start the talk the same way; I tell them they are “special”, and just because they haven’t been chosen doesn’t mean they can’t be happy. I talk about all their friends who are now growing in the garden and how they are getting on. Sometimes we cry, but that’s only to be expected, though I try not to break down in front of them.

I always end my talk the same way by telling them I have been proud to grow them, they haven’t let me down and God loves them for what they are. After my talk, and when everyone has dried their eyes, it’s on to the annual sing song.

This is my favourite part. I sit on the compost bin lid with my legs dangling over the edge and beat out the music to all their favourite songs. Mainly they like songs from the shows: Evita is one of their favourites as they like the drama. My absolute favourite is “Nelly the Elephant”, I bash this out really loudly and we all belt out the chorus. Cruella came round the corner and asked me why I was singing “Nelly the Elephant”. I explained it was our annual singing. She said “I didn’t hear any singing only you” I didn’t tell her you need a Soul to hear it.

Our finale is always the same song “The Sun will come out tomorrow” from the show Annie. It is always good to end on optimism. I kiss them all goodnight and slowly walk away. I postpone the compost bin till tomorrow!

Grapes in bags, Figs weeping acid and Sussex died in front of me

Let me start with the non gardening bit; Sussex is not related to that “Meghan”, but the chicken Sussex, who unfortunately has died in the heat. I was walking past her and she just keeled over and died. Cruella (my wife) has accused me of being involved and has contacted the police, she refers to me as “the perp”. Technically I am on the run so don’t tell anyone where I am. On with the gardening.

4th July 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Dressing grapevines and bagging grapes
Getting my figs ready for netting
Succession planting with Petunias
Goodbye to the mini greenhouse till next year
The death of Sussex

Dressing grapevines and bagging grapes. At this time of year your grapevines will be overflowing with leaf growth and hopefully some bunches of grapes. The photos below show my grapevines as leafy behemoths.

***Too much leafy growth hinders grapes***

Now if you are growing them to be ornamental – like the one at the front of my house – then this is fine. However, if you want to maximise grapes, then you need to dress your grapevines. This process has been going on for centuries and is even mentioned in the Bible. In effect it means, pruning, tying in, removing suckers, thinning leaves and generally maximising your opportunities for grapes.

At this time of year your will need to cutback the unproductive growth on your grapevine as this will take energy away from grape production. Just cutback to a leaf node on the longest branches and make sure you let light into the grapes. The photos below show firstly, where to cutback and secondly you can see that I am training a vine to go through an existing Euphorbia and along a wire ( just for fun).

*Remember you are not pruning, just dressing*

Finally, if you really want to get serious with your grapes, bag them into horticultural bags. This saves them from wasps, too much sun and other baddies. You can buy these bags in most garden centres in Spain and on Amazon. All you do is pop the grapes into the open end of the bag and then tie the bag at the top. By leaving the bottom open the grapes get air, and you get to check them occasionally. When they are ready just cut them off at the vine, turn the bag upside down and you have a ready made bag of grapes – enjoy!

Getting my figs ready for netting. Regular readers of this blog will know that I prune my figs back very hard each January in pollarding style. They always come back with tremendous growth and hopefully give me two flushes of fruits. The only slight setback with this method is that the new growth can hinder the necessary netting of the figs to stop birds eating everything. The photo below shows my very leafy figs

To successfully net the figs requires me to take off the longest branches. The danger in doing this in Summer is that when cut, figs weep a very caustic sap which will burn flesh quite severely. So before you cut, gear up with long sleeved jacket, proper shoes and socks a hat and preferably eye covering as well. The photos below show me dressed in my extreme winter gear ready to get cutting( I had to wear shorts it was so hot).

***Cruella took these photos before she found out about Sussex***

When you are cutting the fig, start from the bottom and work your way around the tree to the top. In this way you will not have caustic sap dripping on you as you work. The photos below show my working from the bottom and the caustic sap dripping from a cut branch.

Finally don’t try and clear anything up for at least 24 hours, this will ensure that the sap will be completely dried both on the cuttings and the tree branches.

***Don’t you dare touch this for at least 24 hours or off to A&E you will go***

Succession planting with Petunias. A good gardener will have a succession plan for their garden to ensure that they have seasonal flowers nearly all year. Now I know that you are all good gardeners and you wouldn’t consider just going out every weekend and buying more plants from garden centres!

My final part of succession planting for this year is Petunias. These go into the spaces left by early bulbs and various Irises. A packet of Petunia seeds will provide you with hundreds of plants for just a few Euros. The photos below show the various stages of my little Petunias as they make their way to the planting beds.

With all succession planting the key is to reinvigorate and prepare the soil between each round of plantings. In this case it means lightly digging over the soil with a trowel, removing spent bulb stalks and them most importantly replenishing the soil with a layer of fresh compost from your compost bin. The photos below show this process.

Finally it is time to plant out the new seedlings. Remember you can only plant now with plants that you have grown from seed and fully acclimatised; plants bought from garden centres and planted now will usually die. The photos show some of the many seedlings I planted followed by a photo of the first flowers.

***They will flower all the way through till October as long as you take off spent flowers by plucking not cutting***

Goodbye to the mini greenhouse till next year. With just my cheap little mini greenhouse and packets of seeds I have managed to keep my garden in flower all year. It is now time to put the little greenhouse away together with all my seed trays. Remember you could easily do this starting from next January. You would not only save money, you would have the joy of nurturing your own plants from seeds to planting and see the wonders of God at close hand.

***The roof has caved in, but I might just get another year out of it***

The death of Sussex. I was just walking up the drive to deadhead some Marigolds, when I heard a squawking from under an Orange tree. I looked round and Sussex (the chicken) just keeled over and died. When I informed Cruella (my wife) she screamed “what have you done”. Despite all my protestations she insisted on gathering what she termed forensic evidence; she watches too much CSI type programmes.

Anyway, she swabbed the inside of my mouth with a cotton bud, took scrapings from under my nails and plucked a load of hair from my head. She has informed me that this is going off to the Lab and that I shouldn’t leave the country. She tried to get me to report to her every evening and surrender my Passport, but I refused.

So technically I am on the run. I mainly hide out in the shed and at night sleep in the compost bins. I only sneak out in the late evening to do a bit of deadheading or sometimes prune a few things back. She knows I am still here as she has placed police tape across all the gates to stop me getting away.

The photo below shows Sussex involved in a delegation lobbying me on some chicken rights issue.

I am gardening through all sorts of adversity and the chickens won’t go to bed

I know this is a gardening blog, and most of you will have little sympathy for my current animal problems. But bear with me I haven’t been able to blog for weeks because I have been overwhelmed by non gardening issues. All of this has been caused by Cruella (my wife) heading off to our English house to oversee the purchase of a new house for the idiot son.

She took off about three weeks ago. It was bad enough that she scorched the lawn on take off (new broom problem), she also left me in charge of all the animals. Amongst other things I currently face the following problems.

Tango the lonely blind Labrador can no longer walk properly or get up from lying down. This means I have to lift up his back end whilst he scrabbles to get lift off from the floor. We then comically stumble outside me half carrying him whilst he trys to maintain his dignity.
The bees are making wonky comb in one of my hives and I can’t find the Queen. All the frames are stuck together and the bees have made a large wax football in their hive.
The chickens have become truculent and won’t go to bed at night. They are demanding to be carried to the coop individually and kissed good night.

Now do you see my problems.; but don’t worry I am still gardening furiously every day.

22nd June 2025. Things I have been doing lately.

Cutting back dead Iris
Feeding and scarifying the lawn
Gently trimming fruit trees
Potting up Chillis
Mistreating chickens

Cutting back dead Iris. It is all over this year for Iris and if you have followed my advice you will have deadheaded the flower head and left the stems to go fully brown. If you have, well done, as you are guaranteed lovely flowers next year from your replenished bulbs.

All you have to do now is give a good compost mulch over the area previously occupied by the Iris. This will replenish the soil and prepare it for your succession planting. I will be putting Petunia And some sun flowers in these areas.

It is important that you thank them for all their lovely flowers, wish them goodnight and a safe sleep and promise them that God willing you will see them next year. The photos below show the process of saying goodbye to the Iris for another year.

Feeding and scarifying the lawn. I know not many of you have lawns in Spain but if you aspire to one, this is what you need to be doing now.

Firstly, set your mower on the very highest setting and don’t be tempted to bring it down till October. If you cut your lawn too short it will undoubtedly get scorched in the summer heat. Next you may need to give your lawn a very light scarifying with a rake. This is not the big winter scarifying and you should not use a machine. The aim is to stop any thatch developing and inhibiting new growth. Finally give the lawn a feed. The photos below show the process.

Gently trimming fruit trees. Trimming fruit trees is a controversial topic at this time of the year. Some gardeners would balk at the fact that you may lose some setting fruit. But hey ho we rogue gardeners don’t mind pushing the gardening envelope.

The basic idea is that all the old fruit is more or less off your citrus trees, you now have two main jobs. Taking off any suckers and opening the centre of the tree up to let in light and air. If you look at the two trees below you can see the problem. Their centres are congested and they have branches that are too high to properly pick fruit. Click on each photo for a larger view.

The first thing to do is open up the centre using a hedge trimmer or shears/lopers. The process is shown in the photos below and the outcome.

Potting up Chillis. The process of potting up seedlings is the same whether it is Chillis or otherwise. So if you haven’t grown some Chillis this year (although they are easy to grow from seed), don’t worry just apply the technique to all potting up. See description and photos below.

Place your plant inside its existing pot into the larger pot then back fill with compost. In this way you will prevent root disruption.
Once you have backfilled the new pot, ease the plant out of its old pot and gently firm it into the plant shape hole in the new pot.
Water the pot by standing it in a trug so that it can absorb water up through its roots.
If necessary tie the new plant up to a cane. Always tie in a figure of 8. First around the cane then loop around the plant this stopes the stem rubbing on the cane.
Stand the pot in the semi shade for a day or two, then get it out in the sun.

Mistreating chickens. At the start of this post I mentioned my chicken problem, it all comes down to the fact that they won’t go to bed in their coop at night, instead they insist on sleeping in a big huddle just outside the front door on the Naya.

When I told Cruella (my wife) about the problem she told me I was mistreating them and that they had to be carried to bed individually, sung to and then kissed on the head before being put gently into their place in the coop. I of course demurred and have developed my own technique.

This involves two stages. At dusk, when I find them in a huddle just going off to sleep, I brush them all awake by nudging them with a broom. They all then start to panic and run around I pursue with the broom and guide them all into the coop.

After dark, they have then formed a huddle by the door of their coop and are fast asleep. I then grab them one by one and stuff them through the coop hatch. I start with the largest all the way down to the smallest and as I push them in they fit together like one of those Russian dolls. The photos below show my technique.

***My approaching shadow installs terror before I stuff them up one by one.***

But don’t worry, I am not an insensitive beast; just to prove it I have taught the little white Dove to eat out of my hand.

Campoverde Open Garden Day 2025 – Morris dancing chickens and a bee fly past

Yes it is true that Campoverde Open Garden Day is this Saturday 24th May, the weather is predicted to be fantastic, and there will be 7 gardens open from 11-4pm. But I can’t vouch for the veracity of the rest of the claims in the above title.

The problem is that Cruella (my wife) insisted that she should be in charge of marketing for Open Garden Day. At first I resisted this, but I eventually gave in when she threatened to set fire to the compost bins.

Her big marketing plan revolves around stunning feats performed by the chickens and the bees. She promises to start with the chickens performing complex Morris dances. This mainly involves Cruella scattering lots of chicken feed on the ground and as the chickens scurry to and fro to get it, she leaps around banging a tambourine calling out the time.

Whilst all this is going on she promises the bees will fly past overhead in formation and eventually swoop down to spell out “Don’t worry, bee happy”. The big finale involves a mixed chicken and bee fancy dress parade. Some of the bees are coming as Buzz Light year, whilst others will be dressed as Beeyonce. The chicken costumes include Hen Solo and the Beak Rider.

To be honest, I don’t know if Cruella will pull it off. So don’t come to Open Garden Day for Cruella’s spectacular. Instead come along and visit seven interesting gardens, talk to the gardeners, share knowledge and indulge in some light refreshments.

The best thing is that it’s all free, all we ask is that you make a small donation to Campoverde Church for our work with children. All the information you need is below. See you there.

*The end of dance practice. I am told the dove has a starring role*. *The bees are just out of camera shot.*

The Campoverde Sawfly massacre and the bees and chickens have a pamper day

I like the Sawfly bit in the title, I know it doesn’t have the same sense of menace as the famous Texas chainsaw massacre, but it gives a frisson of excitement to gardening. Anyway, there is much to do as we are at the time of year when the garden explodes with growth and unless you are out there every day it will soon get away from you.

7th May 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Harvesting the last citrus fruit
Starting deadheading
Planting out seedlings
Potting up Loofahs
Dealing with Sawfly
The bee and chicken pamper day

Harvesting the last citrus fruit. By now your citrus trees should have blossomed and now be setting fruit. This is a good time to take off all of last years oranges. You don’t have to do this as the tree will eventually reject last years fruit, but why let the tree waste energy that could be going into this years fruit. So get your ladder out and pick off those high up fruits you have been leaving. The photo below shows the last of my crops. Lemons I leave a bit longer.

Starting deadheading. This is not the main deadheading season as this will really hot up as we go through mid-summer. But now is the time to deadhead spring flowers and early summer flowerers like roses etc.

I normally start by deadheading and tieing up spring flowering Iris. I have both Spanish and Dutch Iris, but their treatment is the same. Deadhead the flowers individually as they are spent, and when most are finished tie them up to let the stems and leaves decay and return the nourishment to the bulbs.

The photos below show where to deadhead these particular plants.

Once the Iris are out of the way the next job is to prune both Dianthus and Ice Plants. Both of these will have flowered early and provided you with lots of joy. Take off the spent Dianthus and Ice plant flowers using either shears or long one-handed shears. The benefit of this particular tool is it allows you both to shear lots of dead flowers at the same time, whilst being able to deadhead individual blooms.The photos below show me in action.

The final early summer bloomer is roses. Try to deadhead roses every day as this will encourage repeat blooming. Depending on your rose variety some will bloom once and others will repeat bloom throughout summer. For both types the deadheading is the same. Move your secateurs down the stem of the rose you want to deadhead until you meet the next leaf node; cut here as it will leave as little dead stem as possible. The photos below show the process.

Planting out seedlings. May is the last month when you should be planting out seedlings. After this month it will just be too hot and they will wither. When I plant out seedlings, I first make space in my flower beds by ruthlessly taking out plants that have just finishing flowering. If I waited till everything finished flowering it would be too late for seedlings. So be brave and make space.

To make room for seedlings I take out huge clumps of Osteospermum. I then plant Marigolds, mini sunflowers and Alyssum in the new space. These will eventually grow and fill my flower beds with blooms all the way through till October. The first photos below show the removal of the lovely Osteospermum. These are followed by examples of the various seedlings going in.

Potting up Loofahs. I enjoy growing Loofahs for two reasons: First they are unusual and provide flowering interest in the garden. Second, I sell the subsequent loofah plants to my wife (Cruella) and others from her Coven who use them to defoliate nose warts from the ends of their noses.

Plant loofahs seeds in four inch pots by pushing the seeds a finger nail deep into compost. They will grow quickly and you will need to pot them on when they are about two inches high. Loofahs do not like having their roots disturbed, so fill your new pots with compost around the existing 4 inch pots and then replant your loofahs into the subsequent pot shaped space. See photos below.

Dealing with Sawfly. If you have roses then you need to keep an eye out for Sawfly caterpillars or they could decimate your plants. Sawfly specialise in chomping through roses and they have a very simple but effective strategy.

Mummy Sawfly lands on your rose stem and saws a sliver from the stem and lays rows of eggs into the exposed stem. Once the eggs hatch as caterpillars, they have one mission to chomp through your rose leaves as they make their way to the ground. Once at ground level they burrow into the soil and the whole process starts again next summer. The first photo shows the caterpillars chomping on my roses, whilst the second shows the type of damage they can do, together with some of the culprits.

Most caterpillars you can just pick off your plants and throw them to the ground. But with Sawfly if you do this then you are fulfilling their life cycle. Instead you must break their life cycle by either spraying or plucking them off and drowning them in a pot.

Luckily I managed to arrange my own Sawfly massacre by eventually persuading Cruella’s chickens that they were tasty. I have to tell you this was no mean feat persuading chickens that are hand fed grapes and strawberries that the wriggly worm like things I presented to them were tasty. I even ended up shouting at them that there were chickens in Africa that would be overjoyed to have Sawfly caterpillars.

Eventually after covering a few of them in chocolate I persuaded Helga my favourite chicken to try a few. The photo below shows the start of the Sawfly massacre as Helga tentatively sniffs the caterpillars before being joined by the others in consuming every one.

***Helga bravely tastes a sawfly caterpillar***

The bee and chicken pamper day. Well, the bees are here, and I am now the proud owner of 2 hives, 20,000 bees and two queens. It has taken a year of planning and much learning but I made it. Cruella is beside herself since she found out that most of the bees are girls. I mentioned in my last post that she and her chickens were planning a massive welcome ceremony for the bees, and they out did themselves.

Apart from the banners and balloons, there was a special buffet, a fancy dress competition and bunting over each of the hives. By the time both Cruella and I had got all our bee keeping outfits on and placed the Bees in their new hives, Cruella decided that they would be too tired for the fireworks so we just let them settle in. In case you were wondering what we look like in our new outfits I took a photo for you.

*I sent our idiot son this photo and he reckons we look like demented Teletubbies.*

The next day Cruella rose early and by the time I got up she was already well into her girl pampering and wellness day. This started with the chickens getting a pedicure and then having nail polish applied to their toenails. At the end of it all Cruella asked me whether bees have toenails? I confessed that I didn’t know as I hadn’t got to that stage in my training course.

The early afternoon was spent in what Cruella termed a “Power Brunch”; she insists all her girls will eventually get professional jobs. As far as I could see this consisted of what Cruella calls a balanced diet for the chickens: strawberries, grapes, mulberries and infused juices. The bees got honey and I got some stale crisps.

After the brunch, the afternoon involved mainly chicken and bee therapy sessions, which included topics such as:

Bee assertive
Never Chicken out
Striving for Eggcelence
How to stand out in the hive

The day ended with Cruella excitedly announcing there would be a grand sleepover with her and her girls joining the bees down by the hives. I wasn’t invited as it was girls only; I was glad really as bees snore! The photo below shows Cruella and her girls heading off to the sleepover. I went to bed early but was kept awake all night by renditions of “I will survive” and “ girls just wanna have fun”.

*Cruella is cuddling Helga as she has difficulty sleeping*

Seeds, cuttings and chickens welcoming bees

I know the above title is a bit confusing, but all will become clear later. But in the meantime you need to be continuing to plant seeds and now you can also begin to take cuttings from your strongly growing perennials. Take action now, or you are doomed to continue buying expensive plants from Garden Centres which in many cases die within a few weeks. In the meantime I am getting ready to welcome my bees! and getting on with the gardening.

10th April 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Treating for Palm Weevil
Finishing patching the lawn
Starting my plant feeding regime
Taking cuttings
Pricking out seedlings
Getting ready for my bees

Treating for Palm Weevils. The dreaded Palm Weevil has started flying now that the weather has got better. This large beetle lays its eggs mainly in Phoenix Palms and the subsequent grubs munch the trees to death. You should not be cutting your palms at this time of year as the beetle can smell a cut palm from a long distance. The photo below shows some of my many palms cut by a professional Palmista before the beetles were flying.

Because my palms are too large to treat at the crown I developed a different method of delivering chemicals to the crown. This involves drilling a hole diagonally half way into your palms trunk. Fill the resultant bore hole with proprietary weevil killing chemicals, and allow the sap to take the chemicals up into the crown and infuse all the fronds with killer chemicals. One nibble of your palm and the beetle is dead.

This is a simple method that once in place will ensure your palms are beetle free. All you need to do is keep topping up the chemicals every month or so, and once a year poke a steel rod in the hole to keep the scar open and stop the tree calcifying it over. The photos below show me in action.

Finish patching the lawn. If you have a lawn then now is the time to do any last minute reseeding on bald patches. I don’t know why I bother really, my lawn is now just a chicken playground. But anyway, if your lawn needs patching up just scratch and scarify the bald part. Add some top dressing. Then sprinkle some grass seed and cover with fleece. Keep the area moist and the warmth of the earth should do the rest. The photos below show my efforts.

Start your plant feeding regime. You should have already started your citrus feeding routine, and now is the time to start feeding other fruiting trees and shrubs. Don’t be tempted to think one size fits all, and that you only need a general purpose feed. Yes, a general purpose feed will do no harm, but it will not contain specific nutrients that are targeted at different plant types.

The photo below shows the variety of different types of feed that I use. In addition each watering can gets a “Glug” (old English term) of iron.

Taking cuttings. If you have a favourite plant, or just want to multiply your existing stock of plants for free, then now is the time to take cuttings. The cuttings you take now can be allowed to develop over summer on the potting bench, ready to be planted out in the autumn.

My first cuttings have been taken from Dianthus, Trailing Lantana and Little Pickles. See photos below.

An easy way to take cuttings is to go around with a sealable plastic bag and your pruning knife (never secateurs as they crush stems) and select non flowering stems. Take at least three cuttings from each plant by cutting just below a leaf or growth node. Place your cuttings straight into your bag to stop them drying out as you wander round.

Once you are back at your potting bench, make sure you have the following to hand:

good free draining compost with added vermiculite
a selection of sealable ziploc plastic bags (available in every supermarket)
short pieces of can cut to about six inches
rooting hormone powder or liquid (not essential but helps)

Fill 4 inch pots with your good free draining compost, water them well, and tamp down the compost to remove air pockets. Take your cutting, remove all leaves up till about the top two, holding your cuttings by the leaf, dip them into your rooting compound and then place gently into pre prepared dibber holes around the side of your pot (3 or 4 to each pot).

Push your little cane right into the centre of the pot and then seal the whole pot into your plastic ziploc bag. The cane will stop the plastic bag collapsing onto your cuttings and starting rot. Place your pots in the shade and leave them alone. They will have a mini micro climate so will not need watering till they get some roots and new growth. It is a good idea to open the bags every 3 days or so just to refresh the air, but only for a moment don’t leave them open. I like to breathe into them as I think a dose of Co2 might help! The photos below show the process.

Pricking out seedlings. You will remember in my last post that I have been sowing seeds. This should be a regular feature of every gardeners calendar whether you have a huge plot or a small terrace. The joy of growing seeds and seeing them developing is an essential part of being a gardener. Don’t be lured into huge garden centres to buy, at great expense, plants that you could easily grow yourself. Any way enough of. My ranting.

When seeds have sprouted and have at least two “true leaves”- discount the first two leaves and wait till there at least four or more. Then It is time to “prick out”, cue laughter, stop it. When you prick out seedlings you are basically easing them out of their seed tray and replanting them in individual modular plug trays to give them more growing room.

I use a pencil to gently ease out a group of seedlings, then separate them and holding them by a leaf ( if you hold them by the stem then you may damage the seedling), I carefully transplant them into watered and prepared plug trays. This can be quite an intense process so I tend to do it over a couple of days. Once the seedlings are rehomed, then keep them out of direct sun in a sheltered spot until they settle in and then gradually accustom them to direct sun. The photos below show the process.

Getting ready for my bees. It has been a year in the planning but my bees arrive later this month. I will be setting up two hives which will be a wonderful addition to my garden. I have been taking an online bee course, I have watched numerous YouTube videos and I am as ready as can bee (sorry about the pun). The photo below shows my hives ready for occupation.

*Cruella wants to turn our guest cabin (in the background) into a clubhouse for all her 20,oo4 girls*

When I told Cruella (my wife) that bees are mainly female she became quite animated and said that her girls would prepare a welcome party to help the bees settle in. I explained that wouldn’t be necessary but she started rambling about girls leaving home and the need to feel welcomed she eventually ended up calling me an unfeeling chauvinist and shouting girl power slogans at me.

Anyway the outcome is that she and her chickens. have been preparing banners and posters to welcome the bees, they have even started knitting little sweaters as gift as for the bees for them all to wear for the welcome barbecue. I will keep you informed of how it goes when 20,000 bees meet 4 chickens and Cruella.

Spring has sprung and I have been dobbed in by a Dove

Cruella (my wife) is at our English house ruining the life of our idiot son. I am in charge of everything here: the house, the car, Tango the lonely blind Labrador and the bloody chickens. I just ignore everything and garden all day, the chickens don’t get fed unless they ask directly, and I don’t understand chickenese. It was all going so well until Cruella somehow found out. There were consequences, but more of that later.

Spring is such an exciting time for us gardeners and there is so many things that we need to be getting on with.

15th March 2025. Things I have been doing lately.

Deadheading Aeoniums
Refreshing plants in pots
Reviving your lawn
Planting seeds
Dealing with a traitor pigeon

Deadheading Aeoniums. By now most of your Aeoniums should have finished flowering and it is time to tidy them up by a bit of judicious deadheading. The process is simple. Look just below the spent flower and you will see that the plant stem has started to thin and is noticeably thinner. The plant is naturally cutting off the flower as it no longer needs it. All you have to do is help it along, using your secateurs cut the stem at the thinnest point below the flower. The photos below show the process. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Refreshing plants in pots. If you have plants in pots then now is the time to refresh them. Over time plants can become untidy, pot bound and in need of fresh compost. Walk around and have a good look at all your plants in pots. The first thing to do is sit down and pull out all the debris, dead leaves and detritus that has built up.

Next, prune back any dead or dying stems and reshape the plant. Finally, most plants can only thrive for a couple of years in the same compost. Tease the plant out of its pot being careful of the roots then fill with fresh compost and gently ease the plant back into its pot. The photos below show a number of my potted plants all looking a bit bedraggled, overcrowded and in need of attention.

It is important to note that if you are tidying up Yucca and other spikey or spiny plants, then it is essential that you wear eye and hand protection. The photos below show what a difference a tidy up makes in restoring each plants self esteem!

Reviving your lawn. I know that not many of you have lawns in Spain, but those of you in the US and other parts of Europe are in love with your grass. But like love, if neglected it soon dies. And so it is with your lawn, Spring is the time to revive the love affair with your lawn. There are a number of things you should be doing:

rake out areas that are dead or dying
apply a selective weed killer
top dress with a specialist compost
feed with a specialist feed
reseed when the weather is warm enough in your area

The photos below show all of this activity going on in my lawn, with the final photo showing the lawn after its first cut of the season.

*I have to admit photos from this angle do flatter the lawn, there are a few bareish patches*

Planting seeds. Oh the joy and delight in planting seeds and creating your own plants. Not only is it cost effective; as you get hundreds of plants for a few Euros, but also you will really be gardening rather than just shopping for plants.

If you have never planted seeds before then don’t panic, it is so simple. Go out to the local Garden Centre or supermarket check out the packets of seeds and buy a few packets of the ones you like. Try and pick ones that are easy to grow and suitable for your local climate and garden. But better still, why not gather seeds from your garden this summer and start your own seed collection. The photo below shows some of my collection.

The key to success in seed growing is the growing medium you use. Pick the best compost you can afford, and make sure it is for seedlings. You can help your compost by making it as free draining as possible, so buy some vermiculite to mix in with your compost. The photo below shows the stuff I use.

Mix your compost and couple of handfuls of Vermiculite in a trug. Make sure there are no lumps in your mixture then fill up some seed trays. Finish by tamping down the compost in the seed tray to get rid of any air pockets. The photos below show the process.

When you have your seeds trays ready, then just follow the instructions on the packet. Most seeds are sprinkled on the surface of the compost then lightly covered with compost. The photos below show this process.

With larger seeds the process is slightly different. Most larger seeds need to be sown individually in 4 inch pots or cellular seed trays. Just fill the pots or cells with compost, water lightly. Then using a pencil or dibber make a hole about half and inch deep pop your seed in and pinch the top of the hole closed. The photos below show this process.

The final,part of the whole process is to put your new seeds somewhere warm to allow them time to germinate. This need not be expensive you can use a window ledge indoors or just buy a real cheap mini greenhouse, you will only need it for a few weeks. The photos below shows my first seeds planted and in my mini greenhouse. The final photo is four days later and God has worked his magic and I have lovely new plants.

Dealing with a traitor pigeon. Whilst Cruella is away I take the opportunity to show the chickens whose boss. This means no special treats, early bed times, and restricted exercise periods. As you would expect this has engendered lots of discontent. In the past the chickens have somehow got a message to Cruella (my wife) and I have been made to reverse my restrictions including having to publicly apologise to the chickens whilst they smirk at me.

Anyway, this time I had taken the necessary precautions to stop them communicating. All chickens had been frisked for phones, I changed the Wi-Fi password and taped over the ChickenCam Cruella had insisted on; I told her there was an electrical problem.

I had to put up with all their squeaking and frantic gesticulations, but I just point to my ear and shout “me no speak chickenese” it drives them mad. They have held meetings, protest marches and even sent Elsa to plead their case. The photos below show their attempts to protest.

But I held out and was really pleased with myself until a furious phone call from Cruella. She was literally screaming at me “what have you done to my girls” I pleaded ignorance, but it was no good, she knew everything. I tried to blame Tango the lonely blind Labrador, but to no end. The end result was that she insisted that I make it up to the girls. I had to put Elsa on the phone, they chatted away in chickense, in what sounded a very animated call. The end result was that the chickens had demanded reparations and I have been forced to give them grapes every day. The photos below show the humiliation.

I couldn’t understand how Cruella had found out about my neglect of the chickens, especially after all my precautions. Then it came to me, I had covered everything apart from the bloody Dove that Cruella has adopted. It seems I thought it was an innocent Dove, when all along it was a stool pigeon! Photo of the traitor below – I didn’t give it any grapes!

The big Winter cutback stage 4. I Tackle the big tree and the chickens try to assassinate me

The last thing I tackle in my winter cutback is to prune back my big ficus tree. This sits majestically in a gravelled area on part of my front garden. The pruning is a mammoth task mainly because the ficus gets bigger year by year whilst I get smaller over the same time frame. Those of you who regularly follow this blog will remember that I pruned this tree back to a donut effect over 13 years ago by cutting out the central trunk to create a hole in the middle into which I inserted a statue of the Cheshire Cat from Alice’s Adventure in Wonderland.

The big ficus has always seen this reshaping as an affront to its dignity, and as such has sought to punish me over the years by various means including:

Becoming infested with wooly aphids and many other creatures
Deliberately dropping its leaves to make the gravel area untidy
Tripping me up in its roots
Throwing me off my ladder when I am entering the centre of the tree

Anyway let’s get on with the gardening:

24th February 2025. Things I have been doing lately:

Pruning the big Ficus
Surviving chicken assisination attempts

Pruning the big Ficus. An important part of my pre-pruning ritual is to build up my courage by pre-prune psyching out. This is a bit like boxers at the weigh in. We stare at each other, I strike postures around the tree and issue a series of blood curdling threats. For its part the tree just waits silently knowing its time is coming. To be honest my pre-prune ritual was hindered by Cruella’s (my wife) chickens constantly mocking me and deliberately making “chicken” sounds. The first two photos below show the terror of the big Ficus, the final photo shows the centre of the tree overgrown and ready for reshaping.

The first stage in pruning is to begin to open up the centre of the tree to let light in. This involves using long reach electric trimmers. The photo below shows the first few trimmings. Note the two trugs at the base of the tree these are to protect existing plants from damage.

I then move on to trimming the sides of the tree.This takes place in two stages.The first stage involves me walking around the tree trimming up the bottom half and underneath before standing on my platform to trim the top half. The photos below show the action.

When the sides are finished the tree begins to take shape. The photos below show the sides trimmed and ready for the top and inside to be cut.

Getting up inside the tree is the bit that I dread most. I have to climb the ladder then stand at the centre of the tree precariously balancing on the main branches whilst reaching out with the long trimmers to get at the farthest branches. This year has been more precarious than most for chicken related reasons that I outline later. The photos below show me in action. Where you can’t see me, I’m in the middle of the tree.

The final act is the big clean up. I do this over a couple of days so that most of the moisture has gone out of the cut leaves making them easier to gather up. The photo below shows the official end of the big cut back and the declaration that Spring has come.

The chickens try to assassinate me. I didn’t like to mention this when I was telling you about the big tree, as I was a bit upset and emotional. It all started about two weeks ago when Cruella (my wife) casually mentioned the British government’s “Assisted Dying Bill”. She enquired. Whether I had given any thought to perhaps not being a burden to her and her girls.

Since then she has asked me to sign various documents, I don’t quite know what they are for, but she has assured me they are just admin and nothing to worry about. Evidently it turns out we might be going to Switzerland for a holiday. I only became suspicious when I found the tickets and I haven’t got a return.

Since signing those documents I have had a few near miss accidents, things have fallen on me, my food has tasted funny and my electric blanket appears to have been rewired. I have started taking precautions and the only place I felt safe was in the garden hiding by the compost bins.

That all changed when I was cutting back the big tree. When I was up the ladder I could see Cruella and her chickens close by in deep conspiratorial discussion. Suddenly without any warning the chickens all charged at the ladder. Screaming in Chickenese “banzai” (I know that’s Japanese, but that’s what it sounded like). I only survived by clinging to the tree as the ladder fell away.

Cruella apologised, and I accepted that accidents happen, and I wouldn’t have minded but it happened twice more. On the last occasions I was left up the tree for 6 hours. When eventually I got down I found Cruella and the chickens had remodelled my bedroom and thrown all my clothes out. I am consulting a solicitor.

Don’t cutback yet! Just tidy up and get ready. Cruella meanwhile has left me for the farmers

Now that we are into autumn and most flowering plants have died back and everything else is looking scraggly and scruffy, don’t be tempted to start cutting back. The recent much needed rain and the very warm autumn have meant that everything is having one last little burst of life.

If you cutback now you will stop all of God’s goodness being drawn back into the roots, bulbs, corms and rhizomes of your various plants. Your plants strength and growth next summer all depends on it drawing every last bit of goodness from its sap and leaves etc down into itself. Cut now and your plants will not fulfill their full, potential next year.

Instead of cutting back spend your time wandering round your garden tidying everything up and planning for next year. I have been happily pottering round the garden as Cruella (my wife) has flown off to support the British Farmers (Chicken Section) more of this later. But here is some of the stuff I have been doing.

25th November 2024. Things I have been doing lately:

Continue to clear up leaves
Remove suckers from your citrus trees
Trim standards
Tie back Canna and any other floppy plants
Get ready to cut yucca
Finish your lawn tasks
Cruella has left me for the farmers

Continue to clear up leaves. I know it sounds obvious and I keep telling you to do it, but it is important. If you leave leaves and let them settle in the gravelled areas of your garden, then they break down and present a perfect mulch for pernicious weeds. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! The photos below show my regular clean up efforts. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Remove suckers from your citrus trees. Nearly all of you have citrus trees, and people constantly ask me how to improve their crop. The best ways are correct pruning – but I will discuss that in the Spring, the next best way is to feed regularly during the blossom season, and last but not least remove all suckers on a regular basis. Suckers are those little bright green stems you find poking out of the trunk of your citrus trees, especially at this time of year. Suckers will divert your trees growth potential away from the main trunk and thereby weaken your tree.

You need to remove these by simply pulling straight down on the sucker stem as close to the trunk of your tree as possible. They will come away easily, but if you are not careful others will pop up, so you need to look at your trees weekly. The photos below show you examples of suckers on my trees and how to get rid of them. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Trim standards. If you have standards, then now is the time to give them the last trim of the year. The overall aim is to leave them in their basic shape so that they suddenly don’t get away from you next Spring. The photos below show my standards before and after their last trim. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Tie back Canna and any other floppy plants. It hasn’t been a good year for Cannas. The lack of early rain meant that their rhizomes (ugly bulbs) did not swell or develop new growth nodes. Most of my Cannas have been quite weedy and stunted. Just because your Cannas look all floppy and unsightly, don’t cut them back.

Instead you need to roughly tie them up and keep them in place until they have fully withered and gone completely brown. This will allow the last bits of goodness to be extracted down into the rhizomes ready for a better effort next year. The photos below show my Cannas tied up and ready for the chop, probably in January. Notice the lurking chickens, they have been tasked with spying on me. Click on each photo for a larger view.

*They will get messy and embarrassing, but hang on in there no cutting till January.*

Get ready to cut yucca. Everyone in Spain has Yucca, and sometimes they let them get so out of hand that they begin to resemble a large tree. Yucca are a good addition to any Spanish garden as they give shape, structure and sometimes drama. But if you want to get the best out of your yucca then you need to keep it appropriately proportioned to your garden, and a size where the flower spikes are not 20ft in the air where nobody can see them.

Don’t cut your Yucca yet, just think about it. What I mean by this is, it is a good idea to wander round envisioning what you want your yucca to look like. If you just cut before planning you will undoubtedly live to regret it. Yucca can sometimes be quite slow growing so you will have to live with your mistake for about a year.

I will be cutting my Yucca over the Christmas holiday when I can press gang my idiot son to help me. But as a preview the photos below show the yuccas I am currently thinking about. Click on each photo for a larger view.

*These will be cut back at various levels to give added interest.*

Finish your lawn tasks. I know not many of you have lawns. And yes, I know I am stupid having a lawn in Spain. But I can’t help it, it’s a man thing. My lawn suffered terrible depredations in our long summer drought and was reduced to desert. I even thought about abandoning a lawn all together and had begun designing other options.

However, the lawn has stayed, I top dressed the whole thing, fed it copiously and selectively weeded it. It is not perfect, I still have one largish bare patch, but I will do some more work in the spring, but at least I now don’t cry myself to sleep at night. The photos below show the current condition of the lawn. Click on each photo for a larger view.

***My bald patch, it matches the one on my head.***

Cruella has left me for the farmers. Last week Cruella (my wife) suprised me by suddenly announcing “the farmers need me, I have to go back”, normally I don’t really listen to what she says so at first I thought she said “Fur-murs”. I was wracking my brain for what a furry Mur would look like and why it would need Cruella, when she noticed my blank look of incomprehension.

Mistaking my look for concern – when really my heart was singing at my planned hours of undisturbed gardening – she said “farmers you idiot”, but don’t worry, I have asked the girls to keep an eye on you. Instantly my heart sank because I knew that what she really meant was “don’t try anything because the chickens will be watching you”. It is a little known fact that the East German Stasi used chickens to spy on their population.

Anyway, the upshot is that Cruella (my wife) flew off the other day dressed in a full chicken suit to take part in the national farmers demonstration in the UK. She assures me that she will be leading the Chicken Section on the protest march. She carried with her a load of placards that she and her girls had made with lots of protest slogans including:

“Our lives aren’t cheep
“Fowl play must end”
“We egg-spect better”

In the meantime I have been left with the chickens. They follow me everywhere, watch everything I do, and I think they have bugged the house. Even when I stop for a cup of tea, they silently sit and watch. To be honest I am finding it a bit unnerving. The photo below shows the problem.

***If you look carefully their eyes glow red, and I am sure they have an antenna hidden in the Dame de Noche***

The big summer cutback, I forgot to net my figs and I am accused of killing Big Bertha

I suppose I better start with the bad news; Big Bertha my wife’s favourite chicken is dead! The really bad news is that I am being accused of deliberately killing her (the chicken that is). I won’t go in to it all now, we will do the garden stuff first then I will plead my innocence.

11th August 2024. Things I have been doing lately:

The late Summer cutback
Gathering in the few crops the birds have left me
Continuing to deadhead
Dealing with the fall out from the death of Big Bertha

The late Summer cutback. As we move towards late summer here in Spain the heat has been building for months and we have had no rain in the Costa Blanca. This has meant that most of us will have lost some plants and the rest of the garden looks very wilted and sorry for itself.

Now is the time to stroll round your garden in the cool of evening and decide whether some areas need cutting back. There are two main reasons for cutting back at this time of the year. Firstly, you may want to redefine the shape of your plants where they have got floppy and overblown. Secondly you may want to cut off old growth to encourage a new flush of flowers or green growth.

The photos below show the bottom of my drive where the large Peruvian false pepper tree and the Myrtle bush normally make for an attractive scenario that draws the eye down the drive. The first photo shows them both slightly out of shape, whilst the second shows them back at their best after trimming. Click on each photo for a larger view.

If you have hedges (and I have a lot), then now is a good time to give them a light trim to bring them back into shape and stop them shadowing lawns and your bedding plants. Don’t be tempted to trim hedges before round about now as you may disturb or even destroy bird nests. But also remember this is not the big winter cutback so don’t cut into wood, unless you really need to, instead just concentrate on taking back leaf. The photos below my various trimming efforts before and after. Click on each photo for a larger view.

If you have arches over gates or other entry points into your garden then tidy these up as well so that cars don’t get scratched and people don’t snag their clothes on overgrown plants. The photos below show some little areas of tidying up. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Gathering in the few crops the birds have left me. Regular readers of this blog will remember that I prepared my fig trees for netting just before I went away for a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, when I got back, I didn’t get around to netting them as I became distracted with other tasks. Then I stupidly decided not to net them this year as an experiment. The results were predictable. A good third of my fig crop is being lost to birds. Each morning I go out and harvest that days ripened figs, but large numbers have been pecked by birds, most annoyingly sometimes just one peck, but enough to spoil the fruit. The photos below show the morning devastation. Click on each photo for a larger view.

The photo below shows a typical morning collection including the spoiled figs that I will never enjoy.

In addition to figs I have been harvesting my grapes. I don’t normally bag or net grapes as it would be too time consuming. The secret with grapes is not to try and harvest them before they are ripe. Grapes do not continue to ripen once they are cut, so you have to be patient.

Keep an eye on your grapes, twice a day if necessary. Taste one each day as they get close to ripening. Then once you are happy take off the ripe bunches straight away. The birds will know exactly when your grapes are at their best so don’t leave them any longer than necessary. The photos below show my grapes waiting to be harvested, and then the daily harvest. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Continuing to deadhead. I know it is hot, and you have cold beer and wine waiting for you. But, if you don’t deadhead daily then you will run out of flowers in late summer. Once most plants have 50% of dead flowers going to seed, then they will stop even trying to put on more flowers. By deadheading daily you are forcing the plant to produce more flowers to reproduce itself. The photo below, shows me on my daily rounds.

Dealing with the fall out from the death of Big Bertha. I started this post by informing you that Big Bertha, my wife (Cruella’s) favourite chicken had died. But let’s start with the facts. Yes Bertha is dead, and yes I may have had something to do with her demise. But I feel I need to explain and get you to understand the sequence of events and extenuating circumstances. But just to remind you of the late great Big Bertha, she is the one on the left in the photo below, in case you hadn’t guessed.

What happened was this. I have a spray irrigation system watering under all of our fruit trees on a timed system. It was a hot evening and Bertha had positioned herself under one of the trees where she seemed to be happily enjoying the irrigation spray. I thought it was funny and even took the photo below to show Cruella.

Anyway, that night when Cruella went to put her to bed and gave her, her normal goodnight cuddle (all I get is goodnight pig), she discovered that Bertha was soaking wet. The next day Cruella came hurtling into the house in hysterics screaming that Bertha was dead and that I had murdered her. It turns out that when Cruella went to let her girls out Bertha didn’t appear, only to be discovered stiff as a board.

I can’t begin to tell you what it has been like in our house since. The recriminations and hysterics are terrible. They all shout and scream at me in chickenese and accuse me of Water Boarding Bertha. Cruella has already reported me to the ICC (International Chicken Court). She gets things mixed up and insists that the ICC is somewhere in Europe overseen by William Hague who she insists will see that justice is done.

We had Bertha’s funeral yesterday down in our wild wood. It wasn’t really a funeral as Cruella insisted that Big Bertha was burned on a funeral pyre. We all stood around, Cruella and her girls all wore black and sang dirges in chickenese. As the flames licked around Big Bertha’s corpse they all burst out into loud wailing. I just stood there, all I could think of was KFC!

Pruning, trimming, a Blackbird broke my heart and Cruella has entered the chicken Olympics

I have been away, I know I didn’t tell you, but I just slip away and creep back, it is best for the garden. If Cruella (my wife) knows I am away she takes down all my chicken defences and dances around the garden with her girls shouting about freedom and chicken rights. She told me she that she sees her self as a latter day Isadora Duncan whilst being an admirer of Just Stop Oil, chicken division.

When I crept back in after a week away she said “where have you been?”. I told her I had just been down by the compost bins and she nodded ok. She then casually informed me she was preparing for the Olympics; anyway, on with the gardening, more later.

29th June 2024. Things I have been doing lately:

Taking fig cuttings
Planting out loofahs
Trimming back to encourage new growth
Trumpet vine and the Blackbird
The chicken Olympics

Taking fig cuttings. By now your fig tree should be putting on leaf and fruit at a great pace. This means there will lots of lush green growth which is ideal for taking cuttings. If you fancy a new fig tree for free, or would like to donate one to a friend, then now is the time to take a few cuttings.

I must warn you that when taking fig cuttings at this time of year you have to be very careful of the white sap that will weep from the cut wound as this will be very caustic and can give you a nasty burn. But taking this into account and dressed accordingly in long sleeved T shirt and wearing gloves, all you need to do is select a lush non fruiting stem and cut just below a leaf node. See photo below.

Try and take a number of cuttings as this will give you a better chance of success. Once you have all your cuttings, take them back to your potting bench and remove all the leaves apart from a couple at the end of each stem. See photo below.

Once you have trimmed your cuttings up, leave them for a couple of hours in the shade so that the dripping sap can dry up. Once the sap has dried dip the end of each cutting into hormone rooting powder or liquid (this is not essential, but it helps). Plant each of the cuttings around the edge of a six inch pot, I usually plant four to a pot, but it is up to you. Finally place your potted cuttings in the shade on your potting bench and wait. Most will die, but hopefully some will sprout new leaves and give you a future fig tree. The first photo below shows the stems being dipped in rooting liquid, whilst the second shows the new cuttings in their new home ready to go into shade for a few weeks. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Planting out loofahs. Those of you who came to my open garden day were given some loofah seeds to plant, and hopefully you did? Loofahs are lovely plants, an annual that grows quickly as a climber, has lovely yellow flowers and as an end product you have a loofah to use in your shower as an exfoliant. What is not to like; Cruella’s Coven swears by my loofahs wart removing powers.

I planted some loofah seeds some time ago and it is now time to pot them on. The photo below shows my little seedlings ready for a new home.

The secret to success when potting on loofahs, is to recognise that they really don’t like their roots to be disturbed. I plant them two to a 9 inch pot, but before planting them I place each of the pots into the new pot and build compost around them, then I gently ease out the loofah beforecarefully slotting it into its newly prepared home. The first photo below shows them being prepared for their new pot, whilst the second shows the strong root growth after only a few weeks. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Finally a couple of photos of their quick growth. Each plant can grow up to 10 to 15ft and give you 8 or more fruits. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Trimming back to encourage new growth. By now most plants will have flowered and will happily go to seed if you let them. But if you want flushes of new flowers all summer, then don’t let them. Both perennials and annuals can benefit from deadheading and trimming.

I have been deadheading roses daily for the past couple of months, but as yet have not started on the Marigolds. But look for those perennials that flower in a flush. Don’t bother with secateurs for flowers that all come at once; instead get your shears out and give them a hair cut.

The photos below show some of the plants I have been shearing starting with one of the most unusual “spiral grass”. Click on each photo for a larger view.

If you have multi head sunflowers, then take off the individual heads as they die back. But don’t forget to let the final flower head go to seed for the birds.

One of my favourites is the lovely Fairy Fan Flower. It flowers all in one rush and after the bloom has gone off trim all the flowers and you will get a second flush. The photos below show the plant after its trim and the successful second flush just coming through. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Gaura is another of those plants that benefit from the complete flush of flowers being taken off. Gaura, like Lavender, does not like you cutting too deep into the wood so just take off the flowers and the first bit of green. The cutback Gaura shown below will soon give me another lovely flush of flower spikes. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Trumpet vine and the Blackbird. Each year I take seeds from my Trumpet Vines and carefully set them aside to grow them in the Spring. Every year to date the seeds have failed; mainly my fault. But this year I eventually managed to get eight through to the seedling stage. When I came to prick them out and pot them on, I bought the best compost, mixed it with Perlite and prepared 4 inch pots for each seedling . This painstaking process can be seen in the photos below. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Once I completed this task I wandered into the house to boast to Cruella about my success. I swear I was in the house no more than 5 minutes before I went back to the potting bench. As I turned the corner to the potting bench I caught a flash of black wing before my eyes fell on the devastation. A blackbird had dug up all my new seedlings and thrown them around.

Crying out with anguish I rushed back into the house to ask Cruella if she knew anything about this. That must be “Shadowstrike” she said, “I told him he could play in the garden”. The devastation left by the stupid bird can be seen in the photo below. To make matters worse he now follows me round the garden smirking.

The chicken Olympics. It appears that whilst I was away Cruella (my wife) became concerned that her girls appear to be getting fat. At first she blamed it on ultra processed foods and has written to the WHO complaining. Then she lighted on the fact that wonder drugs can stop obesity, and tried to order Wegovy and Ozempic. The vet refused to prescribe them as he said she just needs to cut back their food. She stormed out shouting that she would not put up with fat shaming and would be reporting him to Weight Watchers.

Anyway, the end result is that she has started to train the chickens for the Paris Olympics. She has already written to the IOCC (International Olympic Chicken Committee). I told her chickens are not allowed in the Olympics, but she just said I was stupid and should just stick to gardening.

Cruella has bought herself a whistle, megaphone and stop watch and the chickens are now trained every morning. They start with leg stretches, which I entitled the “drumstick roll. This is followed by running around the garden in circles whilst chanting improving slogans in Chickenese. Their coop is plastered with self improvement slogans such as

Be best chicken you can be
Cluck your best and the rest will follow
Feathers high, spirits higher
Every day is a chance to spread your wings
Beneath every feather beats a strong heart
Find your flock, lead with pride

The photos below show you some of their early morning training sessions. Click on each photo for a larger view.

After two weeks of training and exhortation she asked me how I thought they looked. I said “they are still fat”. I’m sleeping in the shed with Tango the lonely blind Labrador and the big rat.

Seeds, seedlings, greenfly and other pests + a new big rat and his best friend the snake

Well summer is certainly getting going and what is left of my seedlings are growing well. All round the garden is looking ok apart from the chicken destroyed lawn. I was just settling down for a summer of steady gardening when all hell broke loose. I have a new big rat in the compost bin and this time he has brought a snake to back him up.

The presence of the rat and the snake has sent Cruella (my wife) into a frenzy of chicken health and safety; culminating in me and Tango the lonely blind Labrador having to mount night patrols. Anyway, more of this later, on with the gardening.

2nd May 2024. Things I have been doing lately:

another successful Open Garden Day
dealing with the last of seeds and seedlings
tidying up Bird of Paradise
keeping a look out for pests
keeping up with composting
dealing with the big rat, the snake and Cruella’s hysteria

Another successful Open Garden Day. Regular readers of this blog will know that I organise an Open Garden Day every year in my village of Campoverde. The basic idea is that some local people will open their garden for a day to the general public. Everything is free and all that is asked is a small voluntary donation to our Church’s work with young people. The photos below show me in action together with a look at the other gardens so you know what you missed. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Dealing with the last of seeds and seedlings. By now all your seeds should have germinated and most things should be in the ground in the next couple of weeks. However, I have been dealing with a few stragglers.

Loofahs. I love loofahs as they are such a joyous simple to grow plant with lovely yellow flowers and at the end of it all you get your own home made exfoliant. Loofahs are simple to grow. Just place a seed on top of compost in a four inch pot, push the seed down into the compost to the depth of your finger nail, and that is it.

Keep them watered and in full sun and in a couple of weeks after germination transfer to a 12 inch pot to grow on. The photos show the start of the seed process followed by the fast growing seedlings two weeks later. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Sunflowers. One of the other annual gardening events that I organise is the “Campoverde Sunflower Challenge”. This again is a fund raiser for the Church and is an idea you can perhaps consider copying in your area.

It is a simple process. For 5 euros I provide entrants with an envelope containing two Sunflower seeds (giant variety) and all the instructions on when and how to plant them. The instructions stipulate when the closing date will be and the measuring method. I send out monthly updates with photos of progress and the eventual winner gets glory and a mention in the local press.

To ensure there is no cheating, I change the Sunflower variety every year and I grow two test seedlings to ensure nobody sneakily plants too soon. In addition to the Sunflower Challenge why not try growing some mini sunflowers, they are a delight. The photos below shows my two test seedlings coming along nicely, followed by a photo of some of my mini sunflowers. Strangely the sunflower growing beside the minis came from the same packet, obviously a flower from another father – I will love her just the same. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Tidying up Bird of Paradise. Bird of Paradise (Strelitzia Reginae) is a very popular plant in Spain. Which normally can be trouble free once you get it flowering. People are always asking me when will my plant flower. It is simple, the plant itself can take up to 5 years before it decides to flower. Sometimes it is quicker in a pot as it does not mind being a bit pot bound.

My large stand of Bird of Paradise has reliably flowered for years. It is fed and watered at the correct times and it normally rewards me with a continuous flush of flowers from Spring onwards. However, over the last few months it has been curiously droopy and looked rather untidy. So it was time to go in and have a look. The photos below show my starting point. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Once established Bird of Paradise do not object to pruning. The simplest method when you are tidying up is to go round the plant cutting any drooping or diseased stems right to the ground. When I was doing this I discovered the reason for the overall droopiness. Something was rotting the stems at the base and proceeding up the plant. The photos below show my newly cutback plant together with the mysterious problem. I am still investigating, but any advice would be welcome. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Keeping a look out for pests. Don’t forget that as your garden begins to bloom so you will get a build up of pests. This is where you have to be clever and admit your age, it is time to put on your glasses! Most pest build ups start very small with just a few insects such as greenfly hiding under the odd leaf. However, if you don’t notice this it can rapidly build up to a major infestation which, whilst it may not kill your plant, it will make it unsightly.

The photos below show the need for me to put my glasses on sooner. You must treat these infestations as soon as you see them. I will leave the method up to you. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Keeping up with composting. As the summer progresses, so you will be continually cutting back and generating green waste. I have waxed lyrical many times in this blog on the benefits of composting. And I will do a “composting special” later in the year – be still my beating heart. But for now keep loading your compost up in layers and keep it moist and use an accelerator. Also make sure that you tread your compost down to keep it relatively compact with not too much air between layers. The photos below show my compost treading in action. I sing old composting songs as I work. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Dealing with the big rat, the snake and Cruella’s hysteria. It all started when I went down to the compost bins one morning and opened the lid. There staring straight at me was the big rat. My first impression – I have to admit – was that he was a good looking rat; big eyes and lovely eye lashes. As I quietly closed the lid both the big rat and I knew this was not going to end well for him.

In the past when Tango the lonely blind Labrador was young, and accompanied by his brother Nero, the big rat would have faced an untimely end. But given Tango’s obvious problems this was impossible so unfortunately the big rat had to be poisoned. I have nothing against rats per se. However, rats can introduce bacteria and pathogens such as Salmonella and Leptospira into your compost, and that is not good.

I set about my normal process of gradually poisoning the big rat, but, that was when I discovered the big snake. Standing by the compost bins one afternoon he shot out from the bottom of the bin door straight through my legs. A day later I found him sunning himself on the compost bin lids before disappearing into the bin. The photos below shows the big snake and an idealised photo of the big rat.

It was at this point I thought it important to warn Cruella (my wife) of the existence of the big rat and the snake. I should have realised this was a mistake. No sooner had I told her than she instantly flew into hysterics crying out “my girls, my girls they are in danger”. She then insisted that a comprehensive plan for chicken protection should be put in place.

This has involved proactively patrolling the compost bin area by Tango the lonely blind Labrador and me, every hour on the hour. She has placed leggings on all the chickens made out of tin foil to protect them from snake bites and little tin foil collars to protect them from rat bites. In addition she has asked me to dig a moat around their coop – I have refused. When I told her no to the moat she then fell back on her normal tactic of threatening to report me to organisations and authorities that she insists are real, but I know she makes them up. So far she has told me I am in big trouble with the following agencies:

ICCJ: International Court of Chicken Justice
BBC: British Board of Chickens
RSPCA: Royal Sociaty for the Prevention of Chicken Attacks
UNESCO: United Nations Economic Social Chicken Organisation
National Trust: Chicken Section
RCA: Royal Chicken Academy

When her various threats failed, she hinted that she may nominate me for a Chicken Nobel prize if I would just dig the moat. But I don’t even believe there is a prize for chickens, is there?

It’s time to sow, I sing to the dying Agave and have a bad Valentine’s Day

It’s warming up, there is a hint of buds and we gardeners are waking from our winter torpor, it’s almost Spring, and you know what Spring means – seeds! Yes, it’s time to start thinking about how you will fill your Summer garden with floriferous beauty, and there is no better way than to grow your own garden from seed. I know that lots of you love to rush off to the Garden Centre and stack your trolley high with all sorts of unsuitable plants. But think how much more fulfilling it will be if you can grow your own garden.

Now I am not being a purist, of course you can buy plants, but why not give seeds a chance (start with a couple of easy to grow packets) once you start it is addictive and may I say a lot cheaper. As you can tell from my enthusiasm I have already got things underway. I was so filled with the joys of gardening that I rushed out and got Cruella (my wife) a Valentines Day gift. Sadly it all went wrong as the chickens deliberately sabotage my efforts. Anyway on with the gardening.

24th February 2024. Things I have been doing lately:

Harvesting self sown seedlings
Sowing the first seeds
Harvesting and sowing Chilli seeds
Preparing for the death of Agave Attenuata
Regretting my Valentines Day purchase

Harvesting self sown seedlings. One of the best way to get your garden going in Spring, is to take a look around your flower beds and check for any self sown seedlings that your summer flowers may have left you as a gift. One of the most prolific self sowers in Spain is the Maragaritte Daisy/Osteospermum. These lovely long flowering Daisies will drop hundreds of seeds which by now will have formed into little seedlings. The photo below shows just one part of my garden with thousands of seedlings.

But the trick is not to leave the seedlings where they have self sown, instead you need to harvest them and pot them up to let them grow on a bit before planting them out where you want them. The photos below show me harvesting the seedlings by gently prising them out of the soil with a trowel before placing each seedling into individual seedling trays. Note the close attention from big Bertha. (she has reverted and is no longer known as Bert, it was something to do with the chest binders that Cruella bought from John Lewis). Click on each photo for a larger view.

***I have to cover the seedlings with glass as the Blackbirds will soon be digging***

Sowing the first seeds. There is nothing better than contemplating the seeds you harvested from last year and deciding which order you are going to sow them. The photo below shows my preparations and the delight of contemplating things to come. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Before you get carried away with sowing seeds there is some basic preparation you need to undertake. If you are sowing into pots or seed trays you have used before, then it is important that you thoroughly wash them inside and outside. The last thing you want to do is carry over viruses and pathogens that are lurking in the residue of last year’s soil. All that is basically required is that you use a powerful hose jet to wash away any soil residue. The photos below show some of my seed trays after their annual ablutions. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Once you are ready to sow your seeds then you need to mix a good compost (not from China shop) together with Perlite to form a nice free draining medium that will not leave your little seeds waterlogged. Most seeds mainly require sprinkling on the surface of your compost then covering with a light sprinkling of compost.

Once you have lightly tamped down the surface to ensure seed and soil contact, then you need to place your seeds trays in a light warm area such as a window sill, or greenhouse. Be careful of fierce sun as this will dry the compost out to quickly. I buy a cheap little mini green house and use it for 2 or three years and then discard and start again. You will only need it for a couple of months at the most. The photos below show my seed sowing activity followed by my seed trays resting in their new home. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Harvesting and sowing Chilli seeds. Chilli plants are a joy to grow as they are so prolific. I leave my chilli plants to fruit over a two year period with just a chop back at the end of the year. The third year I remove the old plants and sow new seed in lovely fresh compost. By doing this I am getting rid of the old tired compost and creating a whole new generation of plants. The first photo below show my tired old plants heading for the compost heap, followed by the ripe seed pods that I have left on the plants and which will form my next generation.
Click on each photo for a larger view.

Getting the seeds is very simple. Using a scalpel, or very sharp knife, slice carefully down the side of the dried seed pod and carefully tease out the seeds that will be there waiting for you. The photos below show my scalpel work, together with the gathered seeds. The final photo shows the seeds scattered evenly across a seed tray before being lightly covered with compost. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Preparing for the death of Agave Attenuata. Losing any plant is a dreadful experience for us gardeners. We tend them, nurture them, watch them grow day by day and experience joy when they flower. That makes it all the more poignant when you lose an Agave Attenuata.

These lovely plants are very popular in Spain as they are one of the few “unarmed Agaves”, by this I mean they neither have teeth or spikes so won’t stab or cut you. They also have a charming habit of creating lots of pups which eventually surround them like a loving family. They take a long time to flower (12-20 years) and like lots of Agaves, when they do, they die leaving only their orphaned pups to cope on their own. The photo below shows a family of orphaned pups who lost their Mum about 5 years ago.

*Eventually one of the orphans will go on to adopt the role of mother but it can take a long time. I think the one at the back right is shaping up to be Mum.*

Regular readers of this blog will know that I have been lucky enough to see a number of my Attenuata flower. It has always been a painful process made much worse by the mockery of Cruella (my wife) who constantly heckles me in my sorrow by shouting “it’s only a plant, get over it”. On one occasion she proposed what she termed “assistant plant dying” and said that both me and the plant should go off to Dignitas!

As always on these occasions I conduct myself with dignity and commit my evenings to sitting by the plant as it flowers. We talk over old times, when it was just a little pup and I reassure her that all her pups will be taken care of when she goes. The photos below show my cherished Agave developing her flower spike. The beauty of the flower spike is marred by the tragedy of her oncoming demise. Click on each photo for a larger view.

As her flower spike gets taller so she gets weaker, and this is when I start to sing. All Agaves have a tendency for classical opera, so I tend to sing arias mainly from Puccini and especially La Bohéme.

We start early on when she has accepted she is going. I hold her flower spike and sing “Che gelida manini”. As we progress she takes on the part of Mimi and I Rodolfo as she coquettishly sings “Sì, mi chiamano Mimì”. We both then finish the day with “O Soave faniculla” the pups act as the chorus and as she finishes on the famous high “C” we are all in tears. I am dreading the future. The photos below show us singing the first act, if you look carefully you can see the pups leaning into the chorus whilst visible signs of decay can now be seen on their mum. We shall sing the famous deathbed scene of Act 4 in a couple of weeks, in the meantime I am giving bereavement classes to the pups. Click on each photo for a larger view.

Regretting my Valentines Day purchase. As if things weren’t bad enough with my poor Agave, Cruella (my wife) had demanded that I make an effort for Valentines Day and get her something romantic. I racked my brain for days and eventually came up with the perfect present that was both practical, stylish, and suited to her personality. At great cost I bought her a new titanium based, multi positional short take off and landing broom. The photos below show this wonder of modern technology in both its extended long take off mode and its shortened take off mode.

Given that most of her current brooms are what you would term shoddy, I thought she would be delighted. She took one look at it and proclaimed “I wouldn’t be seen dead on that modern crap”. She stormed off in a huff and spent all of Valentine’s Day with her chickens murmuring darkly in chickenese whilst occasionally giving me black looks. The upside was that I could get on with sowing seeds!

The big winter cutback Part 4: The terror of trees and I am referred to a Tribunal accused of making the sky fall in!

So this is it we have finally reached the end of the big winter cutback. It has taken about a month and I have left the worst till last. Regular readers of this blog will know that I always finish the cutback by tackling my large Ficus tree. I cut out the centre of this tree about 10 years ago to make a pleasing donut shape, but the tree has never forgiven me and takes every opportunity to do me harm. To be honest it comes second only to Cruella (my wife) in threatening my existence. I have fallen out of it, had branches fall on me, it has made me bleed, bashed and concussed me on numerous occasions.

And now you know why I leave this task to the very end. I have to work up my courage through extra physical exercises, primal scream therapy and I channel my inner Robert De Niro every time I look at the tree by shouting loudly “you looking at me…”. But it knows I am afraid despite all my braggadocio, I can see it smirk.

Anyway as if all that wasn’t bad enough Cruella (my wife) confronted me after my struggles with the tree and presented me with what she said was a writ, which she later said was a warrant. Anyway, whatever it was she just flashed this piece of paper in front of me and said it was official. But to be honest all I could see was some gobble-de-gook in her handwriting with a drawing of a chicken in the corner. Hey-ho more later, on with the gardening.

6th February 2004. Things I have been doing lately

Reshaping the little Weeping Fig. By way of warming up before the battle with the big Ficus, I decided to reshape my little weeping fig tree. Lots of people in Spain have these variegated weeping figs in their garden. They are lovely little trees that give colour and interest to even the smallest garden. However, because they are slow growing they can just sit there and be forgotten about.

To make them interesting you should consider cloud pruning them in to various shapes. Remembering that they are slow growing so don’t be too drastic and do it over a few years. The photo below shows the little fig with its trunk exposed (which I did a few years ago).

As it was time for its annual prune and I decided to prune back the lower growth with the eventual aim of having two pom poms of leaf with exposed trunk below and in the middle. The photo below shows the end result. I think it is quite fetching.

The battle with the big Ficus. The trouble with this annual battle is that I am getting older, smaller and weaker, whilst the tree is similarly getting older, but at the same time getting bigger and stronger. How long I can continue I don’t know, but I do know that if you show fear to rabid dogs or large trees then you are finished.

I always start this task the same way; I get Cruella (my wife) to take various picture of me posing in bravura poses in and around the tree. Then I assemble the various tools that I will need and leave them close to the tree to try and psyche it out. The photos below show the big tree in all its malevolence followed by my efforts at psyching it out. Click on each photo for a larger view.

I start the process by using my long reach electric trimmers to walk around the circumference of the tree gradually bringing the sides back into shape. The tree of course responds with ill will by continually dropping things onto my head and into my eyes. I keep my spirits up be singing hymns as I march round and round – onward Christian Soldiers is a favourite. The tree responds by moaning “the trees of the field”. The end of the first phase can be seen in the photos below. Click on each photo for a larger view.

The next, and most dangerous phase, involves climbing up into the tree, pruning the top flat and redefining the central donut. The photos below show me in the tree, this time I’m singing “nearer my God to thee”. The tree was singing “the fall of man how deep and great”. Click on each photo for a larger view.

After it was all over my final act is to place the Cheshire Cat back into the centre of the tree.

*The Cheshire Cat smiles for another year.*

My appearance before the Tribunal. After all the highs and excitement of conquering the big tree for another year, you can only imagine my disappointment at being confronted by Cruella and her supposed writ/warrant. What it all came down to was that her chickens had complained that my activities in the big tree was making the sky fall in as things kept landing on their heads. To back this up she showed me the photos below as evidence. Click on each photo for a larger view.

When I complained that she had been reading her chickens the bedtime story of Chicken Licken which has exactly the same plot when the sky supposedly falls in on Henny Penny. She drew her self up to her full height thrust her hand out into my face and shouted loudly “always believe the chicken and not the hetro-normative establishment”.

Anyway she insisted there had to be a trial. Her jury consisted of the chickens. I was not allowed to call any witnesses in my own defence. When I tried to call big Bertha her biggest chicken as a witness on my behalf, there was a sudden cacophony of noise from all the chickens (in chickenese of course). Cruella then accused me of dead naming Bertha who now goes by the name Bert. As I looked across at Bertha I knew I had messed up as she was now sporting a waistcoat and smoking a pipe.

Well it was all down hill from there. Cruella called a whole range of witnesses including: Cocky-Locky, Ducky-Lucky, Goosey-Loosey and Turkey-Lurkey all of whom damned me in no uncertain terms. The end result is that I have been found guilty of a hate crime and sent into exile at our English house for a few weeks.

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