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At this time of year – as we move towards the end of Summer, I like to think about the shape and structure of my garden and whether there are changes I may want to make. I am fortunate in that I have a friend (David) who has a drone and is happy to fly this over my garden giving me excellent video and still shots of the various parts of the garden. I then use these to assist my decision making on any changes I may wish to make throughout the garden.

Unfortunately this year Cruella (my wife) decided that she would like to do this for me as she believes her flying skills may open up new business opportunities for her. The problem with this was that David’s drone takes much better pictures than Cruella. Also, Cruella is in the middle of her annual moult when she changes from her Summer colours and shape to her Winter mode which means she can only really fly at night. Anyway to cut a long story short out of fear of what she would turn me into (most recently a Sloth) I gave in and said she could have a go.

The first photo below shows Cruella in her Summer colours and shape. The second photo shows her in her Winter guise. The third photo shows Cruella’s attempt at garden photography.

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Needless to say I am sticking with David and the drone despite her threats. To be honest with you I made a good Sloth.

31st August. Things I have been doing lately:

🧩 Reassessing my garden. In garden design there is a saying I am fond of “structure is a function of purpose” in effect this means you should be able to look at something and from this know what it is meant to do. This is especially true of gardens. Your garden should be designed and shaped around you and your life. For example my garden is shaped around 5 distinct areas:

1. morning garden
2. afternoon garden
3. orchard
4. dry garden
5. wild wood

🌞 The morning garden. This is directly in front of the house and has Three small lawns, a path way leading to the front gate, two small water features and various islands of planting including trees and various plants. The purpose of this area of the garden is more or less ornamental. It is pleasing to the eye presents a nice area to have your morning tea whilst you sit on the Naya and read the paper. It is also the first part of the garden that guests see. This first and second photos give you a good overview of the garden design and planting structure, the the final photo shows you the Cheshire Cat sitting in the middle of my big donut shaped Bay tree. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

🐕 The afternoon garden. Is a different creature all together as this is dominated by a large lawn where the maurading Labradors used to run around. But since one is now blind and the other can hardly walk their activity on the lawn is more like a crazy fairground dodgem ride as they bump into each other and one or both of them falls over.

in addition to the large lawn, there is hedging, a stream water feature, and a large Mulberry tree with seating underneath. Separating the lawn from the tree area are two beds of old English Roses with various islands of planting in the gravel. The first two photos give you an appreciation of the planting and design, whilst the third shows you the sorry state of the lawn. In case you are wondering what the black things on the lawn are, these are severed burnt heads. Cruella leaves them there to warn off strangers! Only kidding, they are sunflower seed heads left there to feed the birds. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

🌳 The orchard. This is exactly what it says a collection of fruit trees. These include: Orange, Lemon, Fig, Olive and Persimmon. We use the fruit from all of these trees at various times of the year. The trees are always under review as they are of various ages and you need to plan ahead if you always want fruit.

In addition to the fruit trees I also vent my artistic talent by stacking up branches of pruned trees to make what I call wooden sculptures, but, Cruella calls firewood. The orchard also runs along side and frames the outside kitchen and presents a pleasing aspect as if you are dining in a bower. A large Dame de Noche sits beside the seating area and provides heady evening scents as you sit with your glass of wine. Don’t forget, you only ever need one lemon tree that is plenty. The photo below gives you an idea of where I will be putting a new tree later this year.

🐪 The dry garden. This small garden sits at the bottom of the drive on the right and is home to a collection of succulents, cacti, yucca and various other drought resistant plants. A small border of euoniums and an oleander separate the parking area from the garden. Even the smallest gardens in Spain are capable of providing you with an interesting dry garden by using a variety of leaf and stem shapes. The photos below show the dry garden. Click on each photo for an enlarged view.

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🌲 The wild wood. This is a large garden that is mainly left to nature. There are all sorts of creatures that inhabit this area and I have tried to encourage a varied eco structure by leaving fallen and cut down trees for insects and animals. In addition where trees have been cut down I have requested that logs be left in piles and these form excellent insect hotels for bees and many other insects. This area also has a Casa de Madera (log cabin) where guest stay when they are visiting. It makes a very pleasant abode and helps them to escape Cruella’s nocturnal howling and screaming. The photo below shows the guest accommodation and an overview of the wild wood.

⚒ Time for you to get stuck in. I hope these photos and descriptions will inspire you to take a fresh look at the design and structure of your own garden. As always if you want any assistance or advice just contact me. Also if you would like my friend David and his mighty drone to take aerial photos or a video of your house and garden then again contact me and I will put you in touch. David’s charges are very reasonable and the end result is always stunning. If you would like to see a video overview of my garden produced by David then go to YouTube and search for the following: “Spanish garden – a tour of a Summer garden in Campoverde”.

At this time of the year when the dog days of summer are long and hot, the potting bench turns into an orphanage. The only plants left on the bench are those orphan plants that have been left behind; not chosen, not wanted and even rejected. These consist of poor little badly grown cuttings, or those with misshapen leaves or just those who just aren’t ready to leave the shelter of the potting bench. It can be quite depressing to feel unloved and unwanted, and that is why for the past few years I have instituted a system of nightly sing songs.

Every night, at the end of the gardening day, and before the sun goes down, I wander down to the potting bench and sit myself on top of one of the compost bins to talk to the orphans. We start with me providing an update of how their past friends are doing since they were planted out in the garden. I always keep it upbeat telling the orphans that everyone is thriving and describing their friends new flowers. I never tell them about the losses or those who have just shrivelled in the Sun; there is no point in being depressing.

Anyway, after the daily update it’s straight on to the singing. I am sure it would be no surprise to you that plants prefer songs from the shows and musicals. They despise comic songs and for obvious reasons will never countenance anything from “Frozen”. As you would expect different plants have their favourites: Spider Plants love singing “the ugly duckling” including all the accompanying actions. Trumpet Vine love anything from “Oklahoma” and take great delight in bellowing out that line “…the corn is as high as an Elephant’s eye”. The Gaura that sits at the back of the potting bench is a bit of a Diva and insists on singing power ballads and makes us all cry when she sings “I will survive” We always finish the singing with “the sun will come up tomorrow” from the musical “Annie”, as everyone belts it out I drum my feet against the door of the compost bin to keep up the tempo; we call it the orphan’s anthem.

Our last thing before I go in is our prayer which we all say together:

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my roots to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord to compost make”

What do you mean you have never hard plants sing or pray, you need to listen more carefully. The photo below shows everyone ready for bed.

10th August. Things I have been doing lately:

✂️ Cutting back standards. By now your standards should have been in full flower for a while and will have begun to get straggly and untidy. It is time to give them a mid-Summer prune with the hope that you will get a second flush of flowering into September/October. The first photos below show a verbena and two Solanums needing a prune. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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The next photos show them all heavily pruned. I know this looks a bit drastic but they are all mature plants and they will all be back in full leaf soon. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🪓 Cutting back a large false pepper tree. Many gardens in Spain have Peruvian/Californian false pepper trees. These are large trees with a resemblance to a weeping willow, and which have long Racine’s which have tiny red berries that look like pepper corns. These are lovely trees but can be messy when the wind blows, especially around swimming pools. What a lot of people don’t realise is that you can be quite brutal in your pruning with these trees especially if you have let them get out of hand. The photos below show my lovely tree being pruned by professionals and the final outcome. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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These photos were taken about three months ago, but I haven’t included them in my blog so far because I knew that people seeing the drastic cutback would think I had killed the tree. But the false pepper is very robust and I knew it would come back. The photo below was taken last week and you can see the tree bursting back into life. In its new form I will let it take shape into its weeping format but then I will keep it pruned to shape. So the moral is if you have a false pepper tree then you can keep it nicely shaped as part of your overall garden design.

🧟‍♀️ Cruella is coming back. The party is over, the end is near, the nightmare begins. Regular readers of this blog will know that Cruella (my wife) has been at our English house for almost six months casting spells to ensure that our idiot son doesn’t get coronavirus. Well, now she is coming back tonight and the problem is that I tidied her bedroom whilst she was away. I only have a few hours to get it back to how she likes it – she lands on the lawn at midnight.

I spent all last night in the garden trying to replace the things I had changed in her room. So far I’ve only got 23 cockroaches, 11 black beetles, 2 dead mice, 14 worms and a fallen log. She will definitely notice that her snakes are missing and I have found it impossible to catch any bats. My plan is to tell her we were burgled. The photo below shows her room now. As a surprise I’ve put the cockroaches in her bed – she will be thrilled at my thoughtfulness.

My goodness isn’t it hot! Both the maurading Labradors and myself are melting. Our day consists of bursts of gardening followed by pots of tea and dips in the pool. What I haven’t mentioned is that poor old Tango (the blonde one) has gone blind with cataracts and keeps falling into the pool; luckily he knows where the steps are. Any way enough of this nattering, on with the gardening.

1st August. Things I have been doing lately:

🌱 Letting the grass grow. I know that technically God makes the grass grow – mind you he is never around when it’s mowing time – but I have decided to assist him by letting my grass grow longer. When I told Cruella (my wife) that I was letting the grass grow she got very angry, when I asked why? She told me that longer grass would make it difficult for her to catch the frogs she uses in her beauty cream.

Now I understand that not many of you have a lawn in Spain as they can be tricky in the heat. But for those of you who do, then it’s time to let the grass grow a bit longer. There are a number of benefits from this:

• It stops scorching over the Summer
• It encourages low growing wild flowers
• It helps pollinators as the wild flowers provide nectar
• It saves you having to mow in the heat

One of the delights of the longer grass has been the low growing and creeping wildflowers. The first photo below shows the tiny yellow flowers of Creeping Woodsorrel that greet me every morning but then disappear by lunch as they escape the Sun. The second photo shows something I had never seen on the lawn, but is now happily growing in bare patches under shade. This is Asian Ponysfoot (from the shape of the leaf). I would have missed both of these if I had kept the mower blade low. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🍊 Harvesting Figs. Regular readers of this blog will know that I love Figs and look forward to the harvesting season with great anticipation. The great joy of Fig trees is that once they get mature then they produce fantastic harvests. The photo below shows the first figs of joy.

The problem of course is that once the figs start then they come thick and fast. You need to harvest every day, preferably first thing in the morning when they will be at their juiciest. Figs keep perfectly happy in the fridge for weeks, but, try and use up as many as possible fresh; including sharing your harvest with friends. But if you want to save some for the future then dry them in the Sun. This is very simple;

• Cut each fig in half
• Place them on an open mesh tray
• Place them on a table in full Sun
• Cover them with a mesh cover to protect from birds
• Try and remember to bring them indoors at night

The photo below shows my fig preparation area in action.

After three days the Figs should be fully dried and you can them store them in a plastic box in the freezer for months. Now to assist you in this matter I have once again come up with a new invention to stop the ants devouring your figs as they dry. (See photo below). The main components of my new invention are orange juice bottles cut in half, filled with water and then with the table legs inserted . Once again I have great hopes of this device being stocked by Amazon.

✂️ Trimming Trumpet Vine. I have lots of Pink Trumpet Vine growing in hedges etc in my garden, and it is a great joy with beautiful hanging flowers. Another of the great joys of Trumpet Vine is the hanging seed pods that are left after flowering. These provide great interest in the Autumn, but for now we need more flowers. To achieve another flush of flowers go round now chopping off all the seed pods and lo and behold you will have another huge burst of flowers. The next lot of seed pods can be left on as these will provide the plant with interest for the Autumn season. The first photo below shows the seed pods ripe for trimming, whilst the second photo shows the newly trimmed plant. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🦗 Spray Aphids. At this time of year you need to check your plants daily for pests such as Aphids. In my case this means putting on my glasses. Aphids and other pests start off very small and unnoticeable and till one day you have a biblical plague of them sucking the life out of your lovely plants. The first photo below shows my discovery of a new problem plague which I dealt with unmercifully with the methods in the second photo.

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🧟‍♀️ Cruella has a Makeover. Regular readers of this blog will know that Cruella (my wife) is a proponent of the dark arts which I call Witchcraft but she insists is merely another way of looking at things. Any way because of the recent problems caused by identity politics she has decided that in case of bad publicity she needs a new image. Together with a number of her friends throughout the world she has formed a new association called Witches Lives Matter (WLM). To launch WLM Cruella has had a number of publicity photos taken showing her in a sympathetic light. In one photo she is seen swinging on a swing that is garlanded with flowers and with a garland of flowers in her hair. In another she is sitting on a rug before an open fire cuddling three cute little puppies. The photo she has Insisted I use in my blog is shown below and is self explanatory.

The above heading could be about a really bad hairdresser and a disgusting snack. But no, the world of gardening throws up all sorts of funny things especially after the great seed disaster of 2020. I know I’ve mentioned it once or twice, but did I tell you I lost all my seeds this year. Anyway, the fact of the matter is that having lost all my seeds I have had to rely on cuttings and bought plants to stock my borders. This has brought a number of problems which I insist on sharing with you.

14th July. Things I have been doing lately:

🙀 Trying to save bought plants. If you buy plants from garden centres etc at this time of year and then plant them in full Sun, then you are mainly wasting your time and money. The Sun will scorch the roots before the plants can get established and all you will have left is a few crispy leaves. The photo below shows a poor Lobelia who despite my best efforts did not survive its scorching.

The problem is this. You buy a new plant you plant it in a pre-watered hole and then you water at night. However, the roots don’t have time to get down into the soil and as the water is close to the surface the roots turn upwards. The Sun comes out the next day and scorches the roots. You see the plant is in distress and you water again and the same thing happens. The only thing that will stop this cycle and give your new plant a chance is to create a compost donut.

A compost donut is a ring of thick mulch compost that you apply all around the plant just after watering. Lift all the foliage up and pack the compost around the stem and to a distance of about 6 inches. This will act as a barrier to the Sun and give your new plants a fighting chance. You will probably have to renew the donut every week as the Blackbirds will take delight in tossing it everywhere in their pursuit of insects. The photos below show operation donut in action. Click on each image for a larger view.

🌂 Shading cuttings. I normally take lots of cuttings in late Spring and then plant them out in early Autumn when they have decent root growth. But because I am trying to fill beds I have been forced to try and bring the cuttings on faster. This again was another mistake. Because of the fierce Sun, cuttings like the new plants (discussed above), do not have sufficient roots to withstand the heat. Because of this, and at great expense, I have developed a patented Cuttings Shade that is suitable for all potting benches. The photo below shows my prototype; extra bricks are available as plants grow, I call it my extension kit. I am hoping that Amazon will stock it.

🌼 Dealing with Sunflowers. One of the serendipitous outcomes of the great seed disaster of 2020 was that I planted some Sunflower seeds. I found an old packet of seeds that I had more or less ignored because, I had other things to grow, and they were all I had left. Well they didn’t disappoint they were lovely as you can see from the photo below.

After an excellent show of flowers I am now in the process of preparing the seed for next year. There are various methods of doing this, you can leave the head on and let it dry then harvest the seed. Or, you can do, as I am trying by letting the head partly dry then cutting it off and letting the whole thing dry off the stem. If you want to follow my approach then there are three basic stages.

• Wait till the outer petals are very dry and brown.
• Cut off the head with about 4inches of stem.
• Hang the head upside down to complete drying

At the end of this process you supposedly will have your seeds. I will keep you informed. The photos below show the three stages. Click on each image for a larger view.

🧟‍♀️ Cruella sends a warning. I was just on the phone to Cruella (my wife) informing her that I did not think it was appropriate for me to continue to include her in this blog. I was explaining that I wanted to keep it simply about gardening and I was worried about her advocacy of Witchcraft. I had no sooner uttered the words when a glass dish sitting on our kitchen island flew across the room and smashed on the floor. Our two maurading Labradors hearing the smash charged into the kitchen expecting to find food on the floor. Both dogs proceeded to skid around on the glass and yelping as they cut their paws. I rushed forward forgetting I had no shoes on and unfortunately joined them in this manic dance where we were all trying to get our feet off the ground, but only making matters worse. From the abandoned phone I could hear Cruella chanting Red Rum, Red Rum over and over again.

It was only after cleaning up the blood and the gore did I see a message cracked into one of our floor tiles (see photo below). Needlesss to say I have seen Jack Nicholson films, and Cruella will definitely be featuring in future posts

The above title is not the name of a famous firm of Plastic Surgeons, but instead is an accurate description of what you should be doing in your garden right now. Don’t be one of those gardeners who sits back and watches their plants flower once and then it’s on to Autumn. No, if you take action right now you will have flowering right through to November and the loveliness of your garden will be the envy of your friends. Most flowering plants (that are not single stem) are capable of multi-flowering, but only if you actively intervene and stop them going to seed. Once a plant has flowered it believes its work is done and it will put all its energy into making seed. Your job is to intervene cut off the flowering heads and force the plant to start again and to make a new flower. There you have it, that’s the gist of the whole thing. Let’s get on with it.

1st July. Things I have been doing lately:

🌺 Deadheading and tidying Roses. If you have Roses in your garden then you will know that they’re grow splendidly in Spain. Most Roses will flower at least twice in Spain, in March-June and again in September-November. Depending on the type of Rose some will continue to flower all Summer. But in each case it is important that you deadhead continuously and also that you tie in and cut back. The first photo below shows a typical morning trug full of deadheads, the second and third photos show a couple of lovely Roses (Tess of the D’urbervilles) that I had to move as they were not thriving. In their new position I want them to climb up wires so it is necessary to cutback any outward growing branches – marked in red. Click on each photo for a larger view.

✂️ Trimming back Lavender. Here in Spain if you do the right thing then you can have at least three flowerings of Lavender. Once the flower spikes have gone completely black, and you notice that the bees are no longer bothering to visit the plant, then this is the time to trim back. Using your secateurs or garden shears trim off all the flowering spikes. Do not trim into the main body of the plant as this will inhibit flowering and may cause die back. When you have trimmed the plant back give it a good feed to encourage the new flowering. The first photo below shows the Lavender plant in need of a trim. The second shows it trimmed back and ready for its next flowering.

✂️ Trimming back Gaura. When trimming back Gaura you apply exactly the same process as Lavender. Take off only the flower spikes. In the case of Gaura you will probably get only two flowering’s a year, but the second flowering will last from July till October. Now that is what I call good value. The first photo shows the Gaura ready for cut back whilst the second shows it trimmed. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🧟‍♀️ Cruella does gardening. Those familiar with this blog will know that Cruella (my wife) has introduced her own range of lifestyle clothing and household items with a gardening and witchcraft theme. In my last post she insisted that I introduce her new range, and in this post she wants me to tell you about her new female Assassin clothing range. When I questioned her about this she said it was important for female assassins to retain their femininty even if they were cold blooded killers. The photo below shows Cruella modelling her new “Lady Killer” jacket. She tells me it is bullet proof, has a blood resistant lining and a full range of pockets for knives, and guns. With an added touch of style for the lady assassin who has everything, the waist drawstring can be quickly converted to a garrotte.

Now I loved science fiction as a child and I defy anyone to beat my heading above as the title for a new science fiction book. The title alone would guarantee it would be a best seller and probably win the Hugo Award which is the highest award for the best science fiction book each year. However, and unfortunately, it is nothing so prosaic. The squirrels have actually eaten my weevil tubes and to make matters worse Cruella (my wife) has informed me she is starting gardening. On this ominous note let’s talk a bit about gardening and what you should be doing right now.

24th June. Things I have been doing lately:

🦗 Treating Phoenix Palms against Palm Weevil. If you have Phoenix Palms then you should be actively treating them against Weevils. Now that the sun is getting hot the weevils will soon be flying round your trees and looking for places to lay their eggs. A weevil infestation can quickly destroy that lovely palm that is the pride of your garden. If you have large trees then get professsionals in to spray. You will notice that all the public trees in the square etc have been sprayed by the Ayuntiemento hence the certificate stapled to them. If your trees are small then just spray the crowns yourself. But if like me you have large trees and don’t trust your wife to hold the ladder, then I would normally recommend my self invented weevil killer.

Regular readers of this blog will remember that I drilled a hole half way into all my Phoenix Palms and that I then apply weevil killing chemicals though a tube reservoir. The chemicals are then taken up by the rising sap and poisons all the palm fronds thereby killing off the weevils. The photo below shows my as yet I unpatented system.

All was going well until the arrival of this years brood of red squirrels babies. It seems that they have now developed in a Darwinian way to feast solely upon my weevil tubes. It was only when I started pouring the chemicals in and they gushed out and soaked my sandals that I realised that something was wrong. The photo below shows the damage wrought on every tube on every tree.

Anyway to cut a long story short and given that necessity is the mother of invention, I have developed a variation of my patent and developed the new improved weevil killing machine. It is a bit like the issue of a new Apple Phone by Steve Jobs. I fantasise that I am in a large arena stuffed with gardeners who listen keenly as I stroll up and down with my throat mike extolling the virtues of the new method. Eventually after teasing the audience my PowerPoint presentation reveals a photo of the new improved version. The photos below will undoubtedly give you the same thrill. The first shows the new model (a range of other colours are available), whilst the second shows it in action.

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🧟‍♀️ “Cruella goes gardening”. This is the title that Cruella (my wife) insists that I now use if I mention her in this blog. She is hoping to launch a whole range of Lifestyle merchandise with a gardening and witchcraft theme, which she believes will be both popular and remunerative. Her two themes she wishes me to publicise today are firstly her clothing range. She can be seen in the photo below posing. The shorts and top are available in black only, as is this the rest of the range. Whilst the sunglasses are a special model which she assures me stops her eyes bleeding when she is in daylight. I have ringed in red her first plant Dieffenbachia. This is poisonous in all parts and can cause death in children and small dogs it also can cause temporary loss of speech in adults. She tells me it will be part of her house plant range.

Cruella has also done her first plantings for her new garden range. The photo below shows her first four plants which include:

• Strychnos nux-vomica (source of strychnine)
• Hemlock (traditional poison in ancient Greece)
• Ricinus -communis (source of harmless castor oil but also deadly ricin)
• foxglove, Atropa belladonna (commonly called Deadly Nightshade)

When I asked her why she had chosen such dangerous plants, she said they were part of her “family friendly” range.

It is that time of year where all of your soft fruits such as Figs, Persimmon and the smaller fruits are ripening and will be ready for picking in a few weeks. Now is the time when you need to net everything before the birds beat you to your harvest. Just because the fruits are not fully ripe now don’t think you can postpone it. The bird population will know exactly when your fruits are ready and will swoop down and gladly fatten themselves before you get there. So let’s get netting.

June 20th. Things I have been doing lately:

🕸 Netting fruits. To net your fruits you will need a good quality small mesh net of a suitable size. These are available in all local garden shops. You will need string and ties to secure the net, and lastly you will need old CDs to hang on your trees as a further deterrent to the birds. If your trees or plants are at a relatively low level then you can manage this yourself. If however, your trees and plants are large you will obviously need help. Normally Cruella (my wife) assist with this by flying over the trees and dropping the net down. However, in her absence I am proud to say that I imported a crack fruit netting team to assist me.

We started with the team assembled on the front lawn and began with the traditional separation of the net. This involved Derek (National large net champion 2009-11) accompanied by his wife Margo (West of Scotland regional champion 2015-16) getting involved in early net wrangling. In the background you can just see Daphne (all Northern Ireland non sectarian net champion 2014) as she begins her run up in her specialist event “Labrador leaping”. The photo below shows the action.

The afternoon continued with Daphne performing the netting Hakka; this is the first time this event has been performed on main land Spain. In this thrilling display the antagonist threatens the other side in a ritualistic performance where they dance, display weapons and make terrible faces. The photo below shows Daphne mid performance. It is only a pity that we did not capture her display of grimaces and tongue poking on camera.

Once everyone had a short rest and refreshments we moved on to the all important tree section. Here the team have to place the net over the tree whilst performing a dance of their choice. I am pleased to say that this free style section allows the team to show creativity and movement. In a crowd pleasing move they opted for an international theme and chose “Limbo”. The photos below show the team at the early stages. In the first photo Daphne can be seen going into her preliminary limbo moves. The next photo shows the team in full flow. Daphne has snapped up into her throwing stance, whilst Derek and Margo chant traditional Scottish sea shanties as they throw the net across the tree. Despite the great display the team were docked points for “cultural appropriation”. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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The afternoon finished with the traditional blessing and worshipping of the tree. This involves using string and ties to make the net secure. The photo below shows Daphne – who was chosen as the presiding priestess – saying the last few incantations and curses against birds. Margo meantime, in an unexpected move, gave the whole event a flourish by showing off her famous Hebridean crochet knots. This crowd pleaser would normally have garnered top marks, but unfortunately points were deducted when someone from “Me-Too” complained that Derek had made lascivious glances at Daphne whilst she performed the rites. An appeal was launched, but the photo evidence (seen below) was upheld and points were lost.

My biggest disappointment of the day was that I came no where in the small nets rounds. My entry in the small tree category involving my Persimmon did not get through to the second round. Whilst my “pot and net combination” was disqualified for being messy. The photos below tell their own story. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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At this time of year when the garden is galloping off into the distance with us poor gardeners hurrying along behind and trying to catch up with the exponential growth everywhere, it is helpful to remember the Red Queen’s dictum to Alice:

“Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!”.

And so it is with gardening; you must garden every day to keep up otherwise the garden will overwhelm you. With Cruella and the idiot son still isolating in the U.K. I have been merrily gardening to such an extent that I have not even had time to write this blog. I have therefore made an editorial decision; I am going to try and blog more frequently (possibly every couple of days) over the next couple of busy months but not at such length you will be pleased to hear.

17th June. Things I have been doing lately.

✂️ Clear the last of your bulb beds. Most bulbs (apart from Nerines) will now be spent and the stems fully dried out. You now need to cut the stems right back to the ground, whilst at the same time removing any weeds that have hidden between the stems. Once all the stems are cut back, you should cover them with a layer of compost. This will both protect them from the Sun and give the, a slow release feed. The last thing you need to do is give them a good water and then say goodbye to them, wish them goodnight and tell them you will see them next year “God willing”. The photos below show some of my bulbs before cutting back, when cut back and lastly with their nice covering of compost. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🕷 Potting up baby spider plants. Spider plants, or to give them their proper name Chlorophytum comosum, are often left unloved and wilting on bathroom window ledges or, in the corner of kitchens. Their ability to grow in low light seems to have made them ideal for this purpose. But they can be useful in the garden to brighten up shady and semi shady spots. Its variegated leaves seem almost to glow in the shade and can look quite stunning. But the most important thing about spider plants is their ability to provide you with baby plants for free. The mature spider plant throws out long aerial runners which each produce a mini spider plant at the end. These plants would normally burrow into the soil and eventually free themselves from the mother plant after a few weeks. The long aerial runner makes sure that the new babies are far enough away from the mother plant not to compete. Operating on the same principle I am thinking of sending our idiot Son to Australia.

To harvest these babies all you have to do is look for ones that are quite large and looking like fully formed plants. Simply snip these off at the end of the runner and then pop them into a pre-prepared pot of compost. You need only dib these in about 2cm and then push the plant leaves and all into the hole. Keep it moist but not wet, and out of direct sun. Within 2/3 weeks it will have rooted. The first photo below shows a spider plant nursery with lots of babies dangling on the end of their runners. The second photo shows a baby about to leave home. The third photo shows its new home being prepared. Finally we see happy babies in their new Nursery. Click on each photo for a larger view.

In my last post I promised that I would tell you all about my battle with the big rat which I discovered in one of my compost bins; and I will, but not just yet. What with Cruella (my wife), the big rat, the mauruding Labradors and my idiot son, this so called gardening blog is turning into a soap opera and I am in danger of being raided by the Police for running a garden blog under false pretences.

So, the battle of the big rat is at the end of this post, but for those of you who may be interested in other things, let’s do some gardening.

1st June. Things I have been doing lately:

🌳 Cloud pruning my Olive tree: Regular followers of this blog (both of you) will know that I am a fan of reshaping appropriate trees to give them interest in the garden. Now Olive trees are ideal candidates for this treatment. Many of you will have Olive trees. Yet, the vast majority of you do not process the Olives and what you really have is a scruffy mishapen tree that just drops its fruit and makes a mess of your garden each year. Far better to cloud prune the tree to give it shape and interest and make it a talking point in your garden. Another good thing about this is you can still get the Olives if you want them, just a lot less. The first photo below shows my Olive tree before its annual prune, the second shows it in all its reshaped glory. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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✂️ Pruning grape vines: Grape vines are another plant that many people here in Spain have. But like Olive trees they are usually neglected and allowed to grow in tangled heaps hanging off walls and fences and giving little fruit. I grow grape vines for ornamental reasons therefore I don’t mind pruning and tidying them at any time. But if you are growing for fruit prune once before the plant comes back to life after the Winter. I have four grape vines but the one that gives me most problems is the one growing against the front of the house. I have trained this on wires, but to be honest, it is too close to the wall and suffers from mildew each year. To stop this happening I remove long tendrils and just generally prune it into shape – I don’t expect fruit. The photos below show the grape vine before and after its trim. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🍈 Thinning fruit. If you have fruit trees like Peach, Nectarine, Persimmon etc then you need to selectively thin the fruit now. Whilst it is nice to see lots of lovely little fruits hanging from your tree, you need to thin them out or nature will do it for you. Trees can only sustain so much fruit and if you leave all the fruit on then branches will break and eventually the tree will shed the fruit itself. You may think I will just wait till the tree does it itself, but that would be a mistake for three reasons.

• It is a waste of the trees energy growing fruit just to shed it later.
• The tree May shed much more fruit than you want it to.
• The fruit left will be smaller because all the trees energy went into growing all the fruit.

To thin fruit out all you need to do is cut out fruits that are crowded and close together or where there will be too many on a branch when the fruit matures. By thinning out you will have less fruit but it will be larger and sweeter. The first photo below shows my small Persimmon tree. The second shows an example of crowded fruit, the final photo shows the fruit thinned out. Quite often you may need to go back and thin again later on.

👍 Succession planting: The term succession planting refers to the process of keeping an area of your garden such as a bed or border in constant flower by replacing plants as they dieback. In past years I have always prided myself on growing all the successor plants from seed, but in the great seed disaster early this year my little green house was blown over and all the seed destroyed. This has meant that I have had to actually buy some plants; which I admit was a blow to my gardening manhood. To be fair I only bought four Petunias and a couple of Mandevilla and by way of compensation I made myself feel better by taking cuttings from the Mandevilla which are now growing happily.

If you are buying plants and placing them directly into your garden then you have to be careful as the Sun can be very fierce at this time of year. Where possible sit the plant in its pot exactly where you intend to plant it. Leave it there for a couple of days (we’ll watered) and see if it thrives. Once you decide to plant then dig a hole at least half as big again as the root ball. Fill this with water and leave it to drain (5 minutes). Then tease the roots out and plant your plant. Depending on what you are planting; some plants will need a sandy free draining mixture and some will need bulky rich compost, just read the label and this should advise.

Once the plant is in place water it thoroughly and then stack dry compost or stones to act as a mulch and stop the roots drying out. Most freshly planted plants die in Spain because their roots fry in the Sun. well meaning gardeners enthusiastically water their new plants, the roots of the plant start coming up looking for the water, get too close to the surface and fry. By thoroughly watering when you plant it, and then mulching, followed by watering only every few days you are encouraging the plant to go down and seek water whilst the mulch protects the roots. The first photo below shows one of my compost bins being emptied for the mulch. The second and third photos show the happily mulched up plants.

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🐭 Battling with Schrodinger’s big rat. For those of you not familiar with the story of Schrödinger’s cat (as explained by my idiot son). In simple terms, Schrödinger an eminent Physicist stated in 1935, that if you place a cat and something that could kill the cat (a radioactive atom) in a box and sealed it, you would not know if the cat was dead or alive until you opened the box, so that until the box was opened, the cat was (in a sense) both “dead and alive”. Hence I present you with the theory of Schrodinger’s rat. But I am getting ahead of myself, let’s go back to the start.

It all started when I went out to my compost bins one morning to place some fruit peels, rinds etc in the bin. I opened the lid and there right in front of me was a large rat. It looked at me, I looked at it and then I sprayed it straight in the face with some cockroach spray that I always take to the bin. Everything then seemed to happen in slow motion, the rat looked at me with disdain as if to say “was that your best shot” and then proceeded to dive below the compost. Now I don’t want to boast but I have battled and defeated a number of rats in my life, so it was with quiet confidence that I lowered the bin lid and sought out a large stick suitable for disposing of rats. Armed with my stick I flung the bin lid open and started furiously bashing the compost to bring the rat up. Sure enough within seconds he surfaced at the back of the bin. I proceeded to rein blows down on him and he proceeded to dive below the compost only to appear in a different spot. It was a bit like those whack a mole games only with a rat. After three or four minutes of hand to hand combat the rat leapt over my shoulder and disappeared into an area where I keep building material. On making his escape he looked back over his shoulder reproachfully at my pursuit of him with murderous intent and his eyes seemed to say “under different circumstances we could have been friends”.

Well that was day one. The next day I decided on a change of tactics and had what I thought was a brilliant idea of using the two maurading Labradors. My basic idea was that I would train both dogs as rat killers, I even started calling them “the rat pack” to increase their motivation. I started by giving them both a large bone to encourage their carnivore instincts; normally they are fed on dried food which meant they would lack motivation as their food doesn’t normally run around squeaking. I followed up the bones with rat killing exercises on the big lawn. Lacking a suitable rat look-a-like I found one of Cruella’s (my wife) familiars on her bed, tied a string around its neck and dragged it around the garden pursued by the dogs whilst screaming “kill, kill” at the top of my lungs. The first photo below shows the dogs enjoying their carnivore training. The next photo shows my rat look-a-like training aid. Unfortunately, the next photo shows Cruella (at our English house) in what looks like her favourite T shirt which appears to be made from the same material as my training aid (I will explain when she gets back). The final photo shows the dogs ready to spring into action.

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At daybreak we all assembled and prepared for the battle. We did warm up exercises as we all have bad knees. I had my big stick and I had given both dogs a motivational speech based loosely on Henry V’s famous words before Agincourt:

‘We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And any dog in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their doghoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

With a last cry of “God for Harry, England and St George”, I threw open the lid of the compost bin and began my attempts to batter the rat. Plainly the rat had never read Shakespeare’s Henry V Act III and refused to stay still and be battered; it ran from side to side, dived under the compost and generally refused to play the part we had allocated it. All was going well, I was battering, both dogs were furiously barking and jumping up at the bin and I envisaged that victory was within our grasp.

However, our plan began to come apart quite quickly. Tango started the unraveling by lying down as he had tired himself out. Nero continued to keep jumping and barking but unfortunately trod on Tango. Tango being more or less blind assumed he was under attack from the big rat (I may have exaggerated the size of the big rat in my motivational speech to the dogs) began to attack Nero, who in turn fought back. Both were soon a furious whirl of legs, fangs and claws. This ball of misguided fury rolled into me bringing me on top of them and we ended up a rolling melee of man, dogs, sticks teeth and legs. Now I can’t swear that this next bit is true, but I am sure I saw the big rat look over the top of the bin and down at us flailing on the ground, he shook his head in resignation before performing a perfect parabolic arc over us to make his escape.

After our failed attempts at a frontal assault we resorted to the time honoured method of poisoning (Cruella gave me advice). After a week of gradually  feeding the big rat almost the whole of a box of rat poisoning, he eventually failed to turn up one day. I haven’t got the body so he really is Schrodinger’s Rat. Nevertheless we have claimed victory and awarded ourselves medals all round. The photo below shows both dogs after the exhaustion of the big rat battle.

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I have been in lock down so long that I have done all the normal gardening jobs that keep me busy. I have now got to the stage where I am hunting down things to do hence I have entered my Maria Kondo phase. Now to put this in context we are speaking about a man who can spend 8-10 hours in the garden, but I have literally done everything apart from dig it up and start again; and I have considered this. So this post is all about those little things you should be doing, and all those little areas that need tidying up once all the big things are done.

By the way, if you think this blog is losing some of its gardening edginess, then nothing could be further from the truth. I am deliberately saving my story of the battle with the giant rat in my compost bin; but only because the outcome is still in the balance. I believe that it what television dramatist call a “pot-boiler”. Anyway, enough of this, on with the gardening.

10th May. Things I have been doing lately

🙇‍♂️ Discovering new areas for plants. When you have done everything in your garden look around for new areas you can exploit. I have a small bed of gravel that runs around the edge of my Naya (veranda) that just sits there. Whilst passing it the other day I suddenly thought how nice it would look planted with lots of small succulents. The only problem was I didn’t have enough cuttings ready so I went around the garden hunting for hidden or overshadowed plants that could be moved. The two photos below show the potential gravel edge waiting with all its potential. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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After scouring the potting bench and removing overshadowed plants from elsewhere in the garden I have made a start. Although this looks a bit sparse at the moment, I will build it up over the next few months and eventually I will have a green ribbon of succulents where once there was only gravel. This is something I would recommend you to try at home. For instance this would give a good effect along the edge of pathways. The pictures below show my efforts so far. The last photo shows my discovery of a little hidden plant that had been overshadowed over the years. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🌳 Reshaping the Mulberry tree: Some trees need to be reshaped otherwise they are just big amorphous lumps that do nothing for your garden. I have a number of reshaped and cloud pruned trees in my garden that give interest and life to areas of the garden. Some years ago Cruella (my wife) and I decided that we needed a bench under our Mulberry tree. To achieve this I had to hollow out the branches under the canopy to create the headroom and then trim the edge to create a sight line across the garden. This is now something I need to do twice a year to keep the tree functional and shapely. The photos below show the tree prior to its trim, after its trim and the hollowed our centre. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🧹 Tidying up my window boxes: Regular followers of this blog will remember that I have some North facing window boxes along the back of my house. I am not normally a fan of window boxes in Spain as they will obviously dry out in the intense heat of Summer. However, where you have a North facing wall they are a good way to bring some greenery to shady areas. I have planted these window boxes with various shade loving plants such as variegated ivies and Transcedentia etc. Over the gardening year these grow and cascade down giving me a green waterfall effect. However at this time of year you just need to trim them up and take off the old straggly growth. Once you have done this give them a little feed and they will be off again with a nice new green waterfall. The photos below show the before and after. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🏺 Tidying up my pots: The ultimate Maria Kondo task in gardening terms is tidying up your old pots. Like many gardeners I find it difficult to throw away pots, and consequently have accumulated so many that in the past they have toppled on top of me leaving me to be rescued by being pulled out by my legs. Now that Cruella (my wife) is still at our English house, and the added danger of the big rat (another teaser) I worry that not only will no one be there to rescue me if I suffer another pot avalanche, but the big rat may eat me alive whilst I’m trapped. Faced by these perfectly reasonable dangers I decided to tidy up the pots. The photos below show my efforts after the first sift and at each stage. It was difficult I kept making excuses for some pots and putting them back on the keep pile. After two hours I only had ten pots on the throw away pile – I hope I made the right decision. I got up in the middle of the night and rescued some from the bin! Click on each photo for a larger view.

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👍 Growing my thumb nails long: This is the time of year when you will be constantly deadheading around your garden and taking off spent flowers to encourage new flowering. This will require numerous trips backwards and forwards to your potting shed to get your secateurs or scissors; sometimes for just one or two blooms. Well, here is a better way, why not carry your secateurs at the end of each hand. By growing your thumbnails long you can handily use the thumbnail and your forefinger to form readily available secateurs. By the end of Summer my thumbnails are so long that I look like a member of the Ming Dynasty.

It is traditional at this time of year that I post a photo of my thumbnail together with those of Cruella. Unfortunately, her absence in the U.K. meant that I had to ask her to send me a photo. The first photo below shows my growing thumbnails. The second is the photo Cruella sent of one of her necklaces. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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I know, I know this is supposed to be a gardening blog. And overall I do try and stick to this, but these are dangerous times; coronavirus is stalking the land, the weather has been terrible and there have been strange and disturbing omens in my garden. To make matters worse Cruella (my wife) is nursing her wrath to keep it warm as she sits in exile in our English house looking after the idiot son. Anyway, more of this later, let’s get some gardening done as there is lots to do in self isolation, or, as I call it “gardening”.

27th April. Things I have been doing lately:

🥀 Dealing with Roses. By now your Roses should be well into their first flowering which should last till the end of May. The second flowering from circa September will depend on how well you treat your Roses now. There are two important things you need to be doing: feeding and deadheading. Those of you who are regular readers of this blog will know that I started off by feeding my Roses in March with a granulated long lasting feed. I am know feeding weekly with a liquid Rose food, but if you can’t get a Rose food, a general purpose food will do.

Whilst feeding is important, daily deadheading is essential if you want to keep your Roses flowering. Some Roses such as “Blythe Spirit” are so profuse that I have to deadhead twice a day. In addition to deadheading, when we have heavy rain go out and shake the Rose heads to empty them of water or they will just rot or drag the stem down; your neighbours may think you are mad, but your Roses will thank you. But remember Roses aren’t all work . There is joy in going out amongst your Roses at about 11 in the morning and smelling the heady scent as you deadhead, don’t forget to listen whilst the Blackbirds sing in the background. The photos below show my Rose beds and a trug with my deadhead bounty that is heading for the compost bin. Click on each photo for a larger view.

✂️ Deadheading bulbs. By now all of your early bulbs should have flowered and should be showing seed heads. You need to cut off the seedheads as soon as possible, whilst at the same time leaving all of the stems. This process will ensure that the plant does not spend energy on trying to reproduce by seed, and instead will put all its energy into the bulb. The means of getting the energy back into the bulb is through the stems, so it is important that you do not cut back the stems till they are fully brown and withered. Nor should you try to tidy the plant up by attempting to tie the stems into a knot. This abomination may look tidier, but the broken stems will not be be able to transfer sunshine back to the bulb. The photos below shows some of my Flag Iris awaiting the chop. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🚑 Saving your cuttings. In recent posts I have been encouraging you to get out there and take as many cuttings as possible in order that you can get free plants. I admit that I am having mixed fortune with cuttings survival rates, but the recent heavy rain has made things worse. You will remember in the last post that I am now placing pots with cuttings into plastic bags to enhance their hydration. However, I soon discovered that the heavy rain battered the bags down and squashed the cuttings. In my quest for inspiration in resolving this I remembered Cruella’s favourite hat style.

By cutting some canes to a set length I was able to place a cane in each pot propping the plastic bag up like a circus centre pole in the big top. The photos below show my cane cutting skills, coupled with my creation of each pots “big top”, the final photo shows the pots on my potting bench clearly showing the influence of Cruella and her normal hat style. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🧟‍♀️ Dealing with sorcery and witchcraft. Those of you who follow this blog will know that not only do I battle against the elements in my every day gardening, but I also have to deal with the malign influence of Cruella (my wife) and her constant attempts to destroy my work. Now, I will confess that whilst she has been away things have been a little easier. However, I can sense from her attitude when I speak to her on FaceTime (or as she calls it the magic mirror) that she is still seeking to exert power over both me and the garden. To lighten her mood I told her it was my birthday today, but her only reply was to reply in a menacing voice “I know I have left you a present and don’t worry I’m watching you”.

Normally I can manage to shrug off Cruella’s threats in the usual way; you know, wearing a cross made out of garlic and onions, searching for a four leaf clover and moving my bed inside a chalk circle at night. But something didn’t seem right as things kept going wrong in the garden. Remembering her threat of “a present” I searched everywhere and then I found it; she had placed a dead Blackbird into one of my water containers. The bird couldn’t have got in there itself as it had a lid on. To make matters worse I had a sense of foreboding and that I was being watched. Then I saw it a large Peacock sitting on the wall watching me. I don’t know where it has come from but it watches my every move in the garden. Pray for me things don’t look good!

🚜 Mulberry Harvest. To end on a light note the photo below shows Tango mid harvest of Mulberries.

These are definitely strange times we are living through. You will remember the 10 plagues of Egypt: Water turning to blood, frogs, cattle death and the death of the first born etc. Well those Egyptians had it easy, apart from the cattle and the death of the firstborn we gardeners suffer most of the others during the normal gardening year. But nowhere in the Bible does it mention a plague of ants or the death of cuttings which tends to make me think that Cruella (my absent wife) is behind these occurrences. She remains at our English house taking care of our idiot son, and recently in a FaceTime call she asked me if I was missing her? without thinking I said I was too busy to miss her. As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I would live to regret them. Her mood darkened instantly, her eyes turned blood red, the cup of tea sitting in front of me started to boil and I saw a flock of small birds fall from the sky behind her. Despite my protestations of regret she merely muttered something about being made to miss her then suddenly the electricity went off in the house the dogs started howling and I fell off my chair in a dead faint.

Which is basically how I ended up with a plague of ants and all my cuttings dying. Anyway, let’s get on with this after all it’s supposed to be about gardening.

14th April. Things I have been doing lately:

🌱 🐜 Dealing with all things lawn. If you have a lawn then now is the time to get active. By now you should have done at least one cut of the grass and killed off broad leaved weeds by applying weedkiller. If possible you should also have given the lawn it’s first feed. If however, like me you cannot get to any open garden centres, then the feeding will have to wait.

My first task this week was to repair and seed a patch of grass in our afternoon lawn. This was a patch which I had already tried to repair at the end of last year but had failed as ants had carried away all of my expensive grass seed overnight and hidden it underground for food. The photo below shows the state of this patch of lawn and my equipment ready for the big reseeding.

Just before I was about to start – and remembering my ant problem from last year – I carefully checked this area of lawn. Sure enough there they were waiting for their annual feed of grass seed. Upon closer inspection some were sporting napkins whilst others were passing out knives and forks. Unfortunately, they had to be dealt with as the grass seed I was using “Kikuyu” is very expensive costing 18€ for a small box. The first photo below shows the remedy to the ant problem. The second photo shows the worlds most expensive grass seed.

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Once the ants had been successfully dealt with and the grass seed scattered over an area of lawn raked with a leaf rake. It was possible to get on with the process of reseeding. In order for grass seed to get the best possible start, and to protect it from birds you need to cover it with a thin layer of soil. Once this is completed then you have two options. You can either tread the the soil down to ensure the seed comes into good contact with the soil, or, as I prefer, you can roll the area with a heavy roller. Some people don’t like rollers as they think they will crush the seed, but they don’t. The first photo below shows the start of the process of using a riddle to spread the soil over the seed. The second shows my roller action.

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Once the reseeding was completed it was time to tidy up the path edges. Wherever grass meets a pathway it will attempt to grow over it and given 20 years or so probably would succeed. However, in the meantime you need to get your trowel, lift the edges of the grass where it creeps over the path and then trim the excess off with scissors or one handed shears. The picture below shows my handiwork.

Whilst walking back to the shed to celebrate my fascinating morning of grass based activities and my triumph over the ants I glanced sideways whilst passing a climbing Hoya, and there waving back at me were Farmer Ants. The ants were happily farming Aphids for the sweet honeydew substance they produce, whilst the Aphids were being protected by the ants and allowed to suck the life out of my Hoya. A quick glance around the vicinity found them at it on a nearby Oleander. This symbiotic relationship (protection rackets) suits them both, but not me so again the ants had to go. The first photo below shows my poor Hoya. The second photo shows a Farmer ant happily at work (sorry about the quality) the final photo shows the Aphids happily colonising my Oleander. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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✂️ Taking cuttings: This is the best time of year to take cuttings and you should be busily going round all your plants and looking for vibrant non flowering shoots to take as cuttings. To be honest normally I have great success with cuttings and by this I mean that I can normally propagate up to half the cuttings I take. However, this year because of the rain, Cruella’s curse and my obvious lack of skill I have lost nearly every cutting. To overcome this dismal record I have now reverted to a process that I haven’t done for a number of years, and is a bit like the processes we are all using to escape the coronavirus, whereby I cover the planted cuttings with a plastic bag.

The starting point when taking cuttings is a bit like the coronavirus advice to keep washing your hands. Though in our case it’s to make sure that your pruning knife or secateurs are sterilised between each cut. To achieve this I have used the alcohol that I usually utilise to cauterise my many bleeding wounds from gardening and I also stole some of Cruella’s heavy duty make up removal pads (industrial strength) to wipe the blade. The photo below shows my reliable old pruning knife that I have had for over 30 years together with my non drinking alcohol.

Once you have suitably sterilised your knife, then you are all set to go a cutting. Look for strong “whippy” stems that are not flowering. As you take each cutting quickly put it into a plastic bag to stop it drying out (this can make a big difference). I take four cuttings at a time. I then rush back to my potting bench, remove all but the top two/four leaves from the cutting and then dip each stem into hormone rooting liquid before planting in a pre prepared and watered pot. Plant four around the rim of a four inch pot. The final stage is to place the pot inside a plastic bag and seal the top with garden twine or wire. Some garden books will tell you to place the plastic bag over the top and seal with an elastic band around the pot. But this is fiddly and often results in you decapitating the cuttings with the elastic band as you try to take it off. Once you have the cuttings sealed within their plastic bag then place them out of direct sunshine for about 2 weeks or until you see some growth. Make sure you open the bag up every so often to check it hasn’t dried out. The photos below show the process in action and the final photo shows my potting bench filling up with cuttings.

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🏆 A gardening success story. When you are a gardener – like me – who plants from seeds and cuttings, you have to plan ahead as it can sometimes take years to see your work come to fruition. If you prefer to just go out and buy plants and stick them in, then that is fine too, but you are missing out on the real mysteries of gardening. However, there can be drawbacks from my approach, all too often things will fail to flourish, die or be trampled by maurading Labradors and you see your years of work destroyed or just fail to live up to your expectations.

Well not this time baby! Three years ago I cut down an old unproductive orange tree, leaving part of the trunk and some branches as a support for climbers. I planted Jasmine and Pink Trumpet Vine as climbers and under planted with a mixture of Margeurites and Aeoniums with a structural blend of other plants. I also planted two groups of Flag Iris bulbs. Now whilst this area has been interesting over the past three years and has had good interest throughout the seasons. What I was waiting for was the final flowering I had imagined. And it came this year and all the waiting was worthwhile as you can see from the photo below.

I am sitting like Miss Havisham at Satis House (minus the wedding dress, but I have cake). All around there is decay and filth. Cobwebs hang from every nook and cranny and the floor is covered in indescribable detritus. Over in the far corner of the room I can just make out some half gnawed bones of what looks like a small animal. The door has bloody claw marks scraped all the way down it as if some poor wretch had made a last ditch bid to escape the indescribable horror of the fate that awaited them. The walls are covered in strange chalked pagan symbols that in places are painted over with what looks like blood. Everything is very dark even though outside the Sun is shining. I think I better get out of Cruella’s (my wife) bedroom before she finds out I’m here and turns me into a toad again.

Don’t worry she won’t find out , she is still at our English house. You will remember from my last post that she flew there (the usual way) with a mission to save our idiot son from coronavirus. Having cast various spells, surrounded his apartment with a Pentangle and flown regular missions around the whole block every night, she assured me this was enough to keep him safe. Unfortunately the government decided to locate a 5,000 bed emergency hospital at the Excel Centre in London, a mere 500 yards outside Cruella’s safety zone. Faced with taking on the whole government she decided to relocate the idiot boy to our house in Rochester for safety. When I asked her how she convinced him to leave his apartment she said it was easy she promised him free beer, wine and takeaways. He is still there now and Cruella is in heaven ministering to his every need like a small Wren to a giant Cuckoo chick.

Anyway enough of stuff we can do nothing about. The real magic is here in the garden where self isolation gives us great opportunities to garden night and day without interruption. Let’s get going.

31st March. Things I have been doing lately:

🏺 Giving pots a make over. No matter how large or small your garden you are bound to have pots around the place. Now the trouble with pots is that most people just stick a plant in, water it occasionaly, and only really look at if it flowers or dies. Now that you have time on your hands I want to encourage you to look at all your pots. At this time of year I check all my pot plants to make sure that I can optimise their performance. The photo below shows a set of pots that I can see need attention for various reasons.

Taken collectively they look a real mess, but they are all suffering from different problems; some of which can be remedied whilst others are terminal and they are headed for the compost bin.

The first plant to be looked at was a large Agave that was suffering from some form of virus that has decimated this plant in our area of Spain. Most of you will have lost this type of plant over the last few years. From the photo below you can see that the plant is severely disfigured and distorted by the virus. There was no way of restoring the plant. In the past I have cut this type of plant right down but the disfiguration comes back on the new growth. It had to be thrown away, but don’t try and compost it as you will introduce the virus to the compost. In my case there was no way it was coming out of its pot as it was tightly bound. The second photo shows the only solution – more added to my large heap of pot crocking that sits beside the compost bins.

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The next pots contained a selection of bulbs that just failed to perform this year. These are stored on the potting bench during the Winter and then brought out in Spring to perform. The first photo below shows how sad they looked. Whilst the second photo shows the problem. The bulbs have become soft, soggy and rotting and would never flower again. Either they had got too wet, or, something had infected the bulbs. Either way they could not be saved.

The next plant wasn’t a lost cause, it just needed some help. From the picture below you can see that this lovely little flowering shrub had become the host for a pernicious weed that was stealing all the goodness from the soil. The remedy was to take it out of the pot, carefully remove every bit of the weed and then repot in fresh compost. The first photo below shows the weed all over the soil but lying low so that you would not notice it. The second shows the remedy. The last photo shows the plant securely repotted and it should hopefully recover. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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The final plant from this sickly selection, is in fact a very healthy plant part of the Bromeliad species this is Aechmea which is very common as a Naya or veranda plant here in Spain. This plant has a particular resonance for me as our idiot son bought this when he was at University and for some peculiar reason named it “Alan”. He studiously neglected it for 4 years – though I am pleased to say not his studies, 1st in a Physics Masters now you ask. This of course is not Alan the First, but is son of Alan as I shall explain below.

Bromeliads are typically watered through the centre of the plant down its funnel of leaves. In addition they famously reproduce in the same pot and end up with lots of crowded plants (which they don’t seem to mind). The photo below shows one of my Aechmea in its undivided state.

To make more plants, all you have to do is ease the plant out of its pot. Then cradling it in your hands gently prise each individual baby plant away from the main plant. The plants do not have a lot of root so don’t worry if it looks as if all you have is just a few leaves. Once you have prised them apart repot the new plants in a nice free draining compost and then place them back into semi shade (the Naya is ideal). They will flourish there and you will have got some plants for free. If you don’t want them all give them away to friends. At the moment I have Alans all over the Naya as Cruella is not here to complain. The photos below show the divided plants and their eventual new home. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🌺 Renewing compost in various pot plants. Just because you put a plant in a pot a few years ago, doesn’t mean that it will stay happy and healthy for ever. How would you like it if you only ever got fed once? That’s why at this time of year, and especially as you have nothing else to do as you are self isolated, you should replenish the compost in all your pots.

Although I do not have that many plants in pots, I always once a year, renew the compost in each pot (not succulents). All you have to do is scrape away and remove the top layer of soil in the pot. Only do this as far as the main roots, don’t worry if you dig up some fine feeder roots as these will renew themselves. Once you have scooped out as much soil as you safely can, then add into the pot a handful of granulated slow release plant food. Then top the pot up with nice fresh compost from your compost bin or from a bought in bag. Your plants will reward you with fresh vigour and better flowering.

The first photo below shows my compost renewal set up with a stool to sit on (I’m old) and trugs for old soil and for new.

The next photos show the process of scraping out the old soil, note the feeder roots. Whilst doing this take the opportunity to remove any weeds and suckers from the stems. And finally topping up with lush compost. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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🌳 Potting on Fig trees. Every so often I will take hardwood cuttings from trees and try and grow them on. I have been very successful over the years with Fig trees which have a tremendous lust for life and just love to develop from cuttings. However, the trick is to move them on to larger pots every year to 18 months so that they can develop and progress to achieve their potential. The photo below shows three cuttings sitting on the potting bench. These are 18 months old and ready for their next size pot.

The trick to successfully potting on is to make sure that the plant is settled into its new pot at the same level as in its old one. To achieve this you need to place compost in the bottom of the new pot and then rest the plant inside its old pot on top of this until you are happy with its level. Then leaving the plant in its old pot begin to fill around this with the new compost, first photo below. Tamp the compost firmly into place, and then twist the old pot around and carefully remove it from the new compost. If you have done this correctly then you should be left with a pot shaped space inside your new compost, second photo.

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The final photo shows the potted on trees now settling into a Summer of full Sun. These cuttings will give Figs this Summer which are always welcome. Their next stopping point will be planting into the ground; I don’t quite know where.

The whole of the world is in crisis but the garden is still there happily growing away and requiring our attention. We gardeners are quite used to self isolation as we wander around in our own world digging, weeding, sowing, pruning and generally just enjoying the joys of nature.

Right, that’s enough of that philosophical stuff, let me tell you the good news. Cruella (my wife) has decided to remain at our English house in case our idiot son becomes ill. She is applying all of her considerable powers to keeping him healthy. She has draped a garland of garlic round his neck, and topped it off with a large wooden cross. Not satisfied with that his personal space is enveloped in a series of spells and hexes and she has drawn a large pentangle in chalk around the whole perimeter of his apartment block. In addition she spends each night flying around his tower in a menacing and malevolent circle that keeps everything away. She has been picked up on London City Airport radar and most flights have been grounded.

When I queried what sort of protection I could expect from her she merely laughed and recommended I get some Paracetemol.

20th March. Things I have been doing lately:

🍴 Feeding and composting citrus trees. I mentioned the importance of this in my last post, but I thought I would return to it because people are constantly asking me how I have so much fruit and they haven’t got any. If you feed and compost your trees you are more or less guaranteed a good crop of fruit. This should provide you with the impetus to get a compost bin, or start a compost heap.

There are four key stages to feeding your trees:

Weed – The first thing you need to do is to hoe under each of your trees making sure you remove all weeds.

Feed – Scatter under each tree the appropriate amount of a good quality granulated, slow release fertilising citrus food. I generally find that about two handfuls are appropriate for a mature tree. Remember you will also be using liquid feed later in the season.

Water – Using your hose pipe drench the soil under each tree. This has two purposes. Firstly, you are washing the feed into the soil and making sure it makes good contact with the soil. Secondly, you are preparing to seal in the moisture before applying compost.

Compost – Apply a thick layer of compost, at least two inches thick, under each tree. When you apply compost under a tree you are adding the magic ingredient and creating a number of benefits. You are suppressing weeds, feeding the tree with micro nutrients, and encouraging worms to pull the compost down into the soil which will stop soil compaction under your trees.

The photos below show each stage of the process: Click on each photo for a larger view.

One word of warning. Most fruit trees are grafted on to a strong root stock which will usually not be of the same species as your tree. This is not normally a problem and makes for a strong tree. However, it is important that you do not cover over the graft with compost as this may encourage the root stock to start growing in its own right. The graft is normally right at the bottom of the trunk and can be recognised as a bulge in the trunk. When you apply compost make sure you clear a space around the graft. See photo below.

🧟‍♀️ Undoing Cruella’s handiwork. Whenever Cruella goes away she leaves a series of deadly traps to keep me on my toes. Usually these consist of her normal everyday antics: ladders sawn through, grease on stairs, bare electric wires linked to door handles. I never know where they are, or when they will happen, so it came as no surprise to me that a water pipe in the garden suddenly erupted into a geyser of water 20ft high. Luckily, there is a stopcock for this particular pipe and it does not affect the house supply.

At the time I assumed that as this was an old pipe it had just rusted and given way. However, on closer inspection the base of the pipe showed the unmistakable marks of a hacksaw that had successfully weakened the pipe. As if this was not conclusive enough, I found Cruella’s trademark offerings of a dead animal skull and maggots at the base of the pipe. My problem now is that as everything is closed and I can’t mend the pipe. When I confronted Cruella with this fact she denied all responsibility and said it could have been anyone. When I showed her the dead animal she merely smiled and muttered something about corona virus affecting animals.

The first photo below show the devastation caused by you know who and the cut pipe that I now cannot repair. The second and third photos have all the hallmarks of Cruella. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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Cruella (my wife) is still at our English house so things are relatively quiet round here. I have been happily gardening away in the lovely weather we are having at the moment and I am pleased to say that no major accidents have befallen me yet. However, I write from a locked down village where everything has been closed due to the coronavirus and we are not allowed to fraternise. I am even wearing a mask and my gardening gloves to bed. I feel Cruella may have had a hand in all of this.

12th March. Things I have been doing lately:

Beginning to feed plants. Now is the time when you can selectively begin to feed some plants. However, it is important that you do not over feed or you will just get soft leafy weak foliage. Instead, now is the time for an initial plant snack. Remember, like people you need to give the right food to the right plant. You wouldn’t give a baby steak, nor would you give an adult baby food; and the same applies for plants they need the right food at the right time. The photo below shows some of the range of plant foods that I use.

From the left:

• A general universal feed, don’t feed this till plants are growing strongly roundabout the end of April.
• A liquid citrus feed this should be a follow on top up food for Orange and Lemon trees a month or so after the granulated food.
• A slow release granulated citrus feed; you should give your trees a generous handful of this now whilst the trees are in blossom.
• A slow release granulated feed for non citrus fruit trees you should feed this to now to Figs, Persimmon etc.
• A liquid feed for non citrus fruit trees this should be given a month or so from now after the granulated food.
• Rose feed give each of your Rose bushes a generous handful now.
• Baked beans best eaten cold from the tin whilst standing around at night in your pants and vest.

When giving the granulated feeds make sure you water them in straight away. When feeding your citrus trees water in the granulated slow release food then cover the surface under the tree with compost from your compost bin, or, if necessary buy some from a shop.

Overseeing Palm pruning. Now is the time to get your palms trimmed so that the pruning cut can heal before the dreaded Palm Weevil is about. Note that I say overseeing. Please don’t try to prune or cut Palms yourself, it is a professional and dangerous job so make sure that you get a qualified professional. Don’t employ amateurs with chain saws, this is not how you prune Palms. The photo below shows some of my Palm trees nicely and professionally trimmed.

Taking cuttings. A side benefit of my annual palm tree pruning is that as the fronds are cut and thrown to the ground so they occasionally bash bits off plants. This can’t be helped, and I am quite forgiving. But, it does leave you with a number of potential succulent cuttings. All you have to do is collect them up, trim the stem neatly with a knife, then pull all the leaves off the stem apart from a few at the top. Then just pop them in prepared pots with a good free draining compost. In a month or so you will have a new selection of succulents for your garden, or to give to friends. Only do this with succulents at the moment as it is too early for general cuttings. The first photo below shows my cuttings production line in action. Whilst the second shows all my new little plants. Click on each photo for a larger view.

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Undertaking some general maintenance. Whilst plants are obviously the most important part of your garden, don’t forget that walls, paths, water features and other hard landscaping forms the framework for you to display your plants. Now is the best time to undertake any maintenance and repainting. Most plants will not have started vigorous growth and you can get access to everything. The photo below shows some of my handiwork painting the top of my front wall.

The day started with such promise. Cruella (my wife) was going to our English house to welcome back our idiot son from Japan. She left early as she was unsure of her new broomstick. But after a few spills she took off from the front lawn without any great problems; circled a few times, did a victory roll, cackled a bit and then disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

I had my whole day planned. First a saunter round the garden to check on everything and then off to various shops and garden centres to indulge in a spending splurge before Cruella landed in England and checked our bank balance. All seemed set fair, but how wrong I was. When I left in the morning a stiff wind was blowing, but hadn’t yet reached the gale force that it would become before I got home.

I arrived back with various purchases and accoutrements only to find disaster. The wind had not only blown over and wrecked pots – that I could stand – but more disastrously it had whipped the cover off my little mini greenhouse and blown all the seed trays over. To put this in context, this post was going to be all about how the seeds were just sprouting and the start of another great gardening year. This comes on top of the great disaster of 2019 (Which of course you all remember) when all my seedlings got roasted in the Sun. I have tried my best to recover what was possible, but when you garden from seed it is a terrible blow as it means only cuttings stand between you and a disastrous year.

I have wandered round the garden reciting Rudyard Kipling’s great poem “if” especially the lines: “If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster and treat those two impostors just the same” – it doesn’t help; I may seek counselling. The photos below only give a hint of what I was faced with.

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Anyway, on with the show.

2nd March. Things I have been doing lately:

☠️ Killing broadleaved weeds on the lawn. If you have a lawn; and I do recognise it is a luxury in Spain, then now is the time to selectively kill broad leaved weeds. I mention broad leaved weeds in particular because these are the ones that will gradually shade out grass. As I have become older I am far more tolerant of general lawn weeds as I recognise their role in sustaining pollinators. However, now is the time to apply a selective weedkiller (one that does not kills grass) to your lawn. If you apply it now before the weeds flower then you will save yourself heartache later. The photo below shows the weedkiller I use (others are available) which works very well.

🐣 Pruning Bird of Paradise. Strelitzia which is more commonly known as “bird of paradise” grows very well in Spain and provides many gardens with an exotic look. To prune bird of paradise you need to differentiate between flowering stems ie those with flowers at the end, and leaf stems which do not have a flower. Leaf stems that are bending over and touching the ground can be cut right back to the ground without causing the plant any problems. However, flowering stems can be treated in one of two ways. You can, if you just want to tidy up the plant, cut a flowering stem right back to the ground. However, you can cut a flowering stem back to a fold about half way down the stem and it will flower again from that point by growing a new stem. When you cut, cut at an angle along the fold in the stem and it will regrow. You can only do this trick once before the stem will then wither.

The first photo shows the non flowering stems being cut back. The second photo shows where to cut for a second flowering. And the last photo shows the stems happily being recycled in the compost bin. Click on each photo for a larger view.

🍊 Pruning Orange trees. Yes it’s that time again. If you want lots of lovely oranges on your tree later this year, then you need to prune them now. It is always difficult to get the time of pruning right. Ideally, after the last orange is off the tree and before the blossom starts is the perfect time for pruning. However, who ever said gardening was perfect. If like me you have a number of orange trees then you will still have fruit on the trees when the blossom comes along. Well, nobody said it wasn’t tough being a gardener.

You should start pruning your orange trees by removing any suckers that are coming out of the branches. Suckers are soft, bright green growth that can easily be removed by just tugging them down and they will come off easily. Next, you need to cut out any branches that are growing straight up. Then you should cut out any crossing branches, or branches that are rubbing against each other. You should be aiming to have an open structure that leaves the centre of the tree open to air and Sun. Finally, you should lightly trim the outside of the tree and its height to ensure that fruit remains within reach. Yes, you will lose some blossom, but don’t worry as not every flowers turns into a successful fruit.

The photos below shows one of my trees at the start of the pruning process. You can see from this that the tree is in blossom, it has lost shape, and has some branches that are too high. Note that the tools needed include: secateurs, long handled lopers and finally an extendable trimmer for the top of the tree (if you are freakishly tall you won’t need these).

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The photos below shows suckers and an upward growing stem that needs cutting out.

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Lastly, I present you with the nicely pruned and trimmed tree ready to go forth and be fruitful.

It sounds like the Biblical end of days doesn’t it, especially when you take into account the huge plague of locusts currently flying around Africa. Anyway, it’s worse than that, I went to our English house and left Cruella (my wife) in charge of the garden, she didn’t even have to do anything. Not only did our English garden nearly get flooded, but when I returned she had allowed Nero (one of our Labradors) to dig a huge hole in our lawn. When I confronted her, relaying my near death flooding experience, and questioning why she had let Nero dig such a huge hole. Her only reply was “if I had stopped him he would only have done it elsewhere…and it serves you right for going away”.

14th February: Things I have been doing lately.

🌊 Getting flooded. Our English house is right beside the river Medway in Rochester, Kent. The garden itself is walled, paved and is mainly based around climbers covering the walls. The photo below shows how during the recent storms it was nearly turned into a water garden and the house into a house boat.

🌿 Cutting back Lavender and trailing Lantana. Now is the time to trim your Lavender and Lantana plants. With Lavender just trim the flower stalks back to the first leaves, do not cut into the foliage or you will damage the plant. The photos below show the Lavender before and after its trim.

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With trailing Lantana take about a third off the plant and try to cut back to just above a fork on each stem. By doing this you will ensure that you get good twin growth on each stem. The photos below show the Lantana before and after its trim.

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Replanting and splitting Canna. I love Cannas they are beautiful statuesque and real statement plants. The great benefit of Cannas is that as they grow from a Corm (ugly bulb) they produce babies every year so that your stock grows and you can divide and replant them; although you should only do this every 2/3 years. I grow my Canna inside a circle of irrigation but because of their habit of having babies they occasionally move outside my irrigation. This presents me with two opportunities. Firstly, I can dig up the mature Corms and move them back inside the irrigation circle. But secondly, before I do that I split them by gently pulling them apart to give me nice new plants. These can then be planted into new areas of the garden. The first photo below shows the Canna growing outside the irrigation circle (the culprits are circled in red). The second photo shows a split Canna ready for planting and the final photo shows how many new plants I got from this exercise. (Click on each photo for a larger view).

🏆 Planting seeds. If you want free plants then now is the time to plant seeds. I try not to buy plants, and where possible will grow either from seeds or cuttings. My main reasons for this approach is that I get great pleasure out of making seeds and cuttings grow; but also I think it’s more macho and allows me to look down on those who just buy plants – terrible, and I’m a Christian.

Anyway, most seeds can be sown now if you have some sort of shelter for them. I have a simple little plastic mini greenhouse with three shelves, but a window ledge would be just as good, just don’t let them get scorched. At the moment I am sowing Stephanotis as someone gave me some seeds and I want them to take the place of a climbing Rose that failed to flourish. I am also trying to grow a Norfolk Pine (bit like a Monkey Puzzle tree) to put in my wild wood. And lastly I am sowing Petunias to take the place of my normal Marigolds which have set a virus in the soil which now needs a few years rest without Marigolds.

The first photo below shows the Stephanotis seeds about to be sown. The second and third show the large Norfolk Pine seeds which are shield shaped. If you want to sow Norfolk Pine then you gently push the seeds into potting compost pointed end down but leaving the top of the seed just sticking out of the soil as in photo three.

The final photo below shows my little mini greenhouse. Should you get one of these then make sure you weigh it down with a paving slab on the bottom shelf to stop it blowing away in strong winds.

🐾 Repairing holes in the lawn. Those of you who are regular readers of this blog. Will be perfectly familiar with my Sisyphus like task of having to continuously repair our lawns only to have them dug up again by Nero (one of our Labradors). In each case I fill the hole in and complete the repair by placing a wire mesh over the hole to stop him digging there again. The only fault in my logic is that he just goes to another part of the lawn and starts again. Over the years my lawns have had so much wire mesh added to them that I am in danger of distorting Magnetic North and becoming a danger to shipping.

The photos below show the hole, the repair and the culprits. Cruella insists that Nero is more to be pitied than scorned and that his hole digging is “a cry for help”.

Yes, the literate amongst you (and this means all of you) will have seen that I have cleverly paraphrased Ernest Hemingway’s book title “The Old Man and the Sea” to convey the titanic battle that takes place annually between me and a large Bay tree at pruning time. Whilst the old man in Hemingway’s book is engaged in a struggle with a large Marlin at sea which comes to symbolise man’s struggle against the forces of nature. So, similarly I have been engaged in my annual struggle with a particularly large and vicious tree; but not at sea. Unfortunately Hemingway’s “old man” dies in the struggle, but I am pleased to say that I have survived this year.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t like to give you the impression that my survival is a foregone conclusion. This annual battle started weeks ago right at the start of the big annual cutback. As I walked around the garden the tree knew, and I knew, what was coming. We were like two boxers before a big fight eyeing each other up. I insult the tree and shout rude things at it, sometimes accompanied by a kick to its trunk. The tree for its part drops leaves and branches on me and encourages the birds in its branches to do their worst. So that is how we ended up with the stage set for yet another return fight. Right here we go: as the referee always says at the start of every fight “…protect yourself at all times” ding, ding.

17th January: Things I have been doing lately

✂️ Pruning trees. The last job you have to do to complete the annual cutback in Spain is prune back any trees that have become overgrown, unshapely or are cutting out light. I do not include fruit trees as they are not cutback at this stage. In my garden there are only two big trees that I include in the annual cutback.

🌼 Mimosa. The first tree is a Mimosa (Acacia) which is used to provide shade for our dog’s kennel and run. The Mimosa is not a long lived tree (10-20 years) but its beautiful yellow flowers make up for this. Mimosa is a Spring flowerer so you have to be quick pruning it or you could end up pruning the whole year’s blooms out. The only job I have to do with the Mimosa is to raise its canopy as it has the tendency to droop and cause more shade than we want to an adjacent lawn and on occasion when I am not looking it will creep into the house roof guttering. The photo below shows the Mimosa before pruning.

To prune a Mimosa you need to work on a bi-annual pruning cycle (this is not a mode of transport). In the first year, prune back branches with lopers and/or chainsaw. In the second year you should just need to use a long handled electric hedge trimmer and a ladder to raise the canopy. The photo below shows the Mimosa brought back under control.

🌳 Trimming the big Bay tree. Bay trees are everywhere in Spain as they love the climate. However, the majority of Bays that you see are overgrown unshapely lumps. To overcome the Bay’s untidiness the Spanish came up with the idea of cutting out the centre of the tree to leave an open donut of light at its centre. This fantastic innovation makes the tree shapely, lets in light to any underplanting and makes for a fascinating conversation piece. I did this some 10 years ago to this Bay tree and it has never forgiven me, hence the grudge.

The first photo below shows you just how unshapely the tree becomes over a year. From this photo you can see the challenge that I faced – which I believe would have daunted a lesser gardener. The second photo below shows me ready to begin the annual battle equipped with all the necessary armaments. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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Cruella (my wife) documented the battle in photographs; it was a bit disconcerting as she wore a complete camouflage outfit and kept asking me to call her “Kate Aidie”. At the time she told me it was a photo-shoot and that she was working for an agency seeking “mature” models; she said I had the potential to be a male model. It was only later that she confessed I wouldn’t be getting a lucrative contract and there was no Agency. It turns out that all she really wanted was some interesting photos for my memorial service if I died by falling out of the tree, or at least some shots for “you’ve been framed”. If you have a Bay tree and you wish to shape it in this way, then this is the process:

• cut out the central trunk down to where it joins with the network of lower branches.
• trim around the open space left by the trunk to make a clear round open space at the centre of the tree.
• trim the sides, top and bottom of the tree to form flat sides
• repeat the trimming process every year in January. Don’t worry you will never have to cut the trunk again

The tools you will need include:

• chain saw
• long blade electric hedge trimmer
• long handled lopers
• ladders and if possible platform

You may decide that it is better just to get in a professional tree surgeon as it can be both dangerous and tiring. If you decide to use a professional then make sure you get someone who is fully trained and accredited as they will have all the necessary skills and insurance.

Finally, God willing the Bay tree and I will fight it out next year in the annual return match. In the meantime here are some of the photos of me and the tree that Cruella (my wife) took for my forthcoming modelling career. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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🌾 Cutting back grasses. Sorry I misled you when I said that trees were the last part of the big annual cut back. As I wandered around the garden recovering from the battle with the Bay tree I discovered that I had missed cutting back my ornamental grass. Lots of you have ornamental grasses such as my Fountain Grass. These need to be cut back quite severely now. If you don’t do this now, then the grass will not flourish as it will become congested and also unsightly. Using a hedge trimmer just cut it back to a small mound. It will soon recover its former glory. The photos below show my Fountain Grass before and after its trim. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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This is the second instalment of the big winter cut back posts. The big Winter cut back is an essential thing for all Spanish gardeners to do in January; failure to do this will result in your garden looking, tired, untidy and generally unloved. If you are following this blog closely – and I know you are – then you will remember that the first Winter cut back post covered mainly Roses. This post deals with climbers, hedges and statement plants. The final post will deal with trees, and this is the stage I dread, as it involves chainsaws, ladders, great heights and generally falls and spilled blood. But hey, we gardeners are made of tough stuff and the local hospital keeps special blood plasma for me. Talking of blood did you see “Dracula” on the BBC over Christmas? Cruella (my wife) was enthralled as she thought it was a documentary and kept telling me it reminded her of her childhood. Right, are you ready? let’s get on with it.

9th January: Things I have been doing lately

🏡 Recreating views. If you look at your garden there are certain vantage points that creat views and vistas within your garden. These are the positions in the garden that look at their best viewed from a certain standpoint. I have a number of these in my garden but the one I want to deal with is the view as you move down our drive. This is probably the least important, but sets the tone of the garden for those arriving by car.

The end of our drive has been composed (this is a fancy term for lots of plants working together) to present a nice view whilst at the same time hiding the garden shed from direct view. The first photo below shows this view before it is pruned back. The second photo shows that I have cut back the hedge, trimmed the trunk of the Peruvian False Pepper tree and reduced its hanging branches (this tree is common in Spain and looks a bit like a weeping willow). (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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You can see my battery leaf blower in the second photo. This is a Black and Decker model (others are available). I have included this because it is one of the most useful tools you can have here in Campoverde. Because we are surrounded by Pine trees, pine needles are a constant clean up problem. This light weight battery model will not do the job on heavy leaf clearance but it is ideal for this type of work and saves you getting out your big blower (no pun intended).

🥔 Cutting back Solanum. The Solanum is a climbing plant that is a member of the potato family. This is a prolific flowerer a great climber and easy to maintain. I grew this plant from a cutting and have grown it up the side of our outside kitchen. It happily grows all Summer (can grow to about 25ft) and flowers like crazy. In the Winter all you have to do is use a hedge trimmer to trim it back close to the wall by taking off all the side shoots. This first photo shows the Solanum before it’s trim back, whilst the second shows it newly pruned. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view). At the risk of making this blog into a “tool blog” the small platform you see in the photos is a great aid to trimming hedges etc as unlike a ladder you don’t have to move along so often.

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🌱 Trimming back Jasmine. Jasmine is one of those plants which is every where in Spain, but all too often it is a sulky heap of leaves hanging off a trellis which it is doing its best to pull off the wall. The reason for the Jasmine looking so sad is that it has grown up and then flopped over. By flopping over it kills the growth beneath and leaves you with what looks like a healthy plant but really it is just disguising decay. If you look at the first photo below the Jasmine looks healthy but only because the new growth is hanging over the old growth.

The second photo shows the Jasmine trimmed back ready to get flowering across the whole plant. If your Jasmine has just gone too far and a lot of it has died back, then be brave and cut it right down to the ground. You won’t get flowers this year, but the reinvigorated plant will grow like crazy and flower next year.

🌴 Trimming climbers around an old Palm tree trunk. In Spain it is often necessary to cut down old Palm trees or those damaged by the Palm Weevil. Most people when faced with an unwanted Palm just have it cut down leaving an ugly stump in the ground; or, even worse try to cut the trunk down to about 3ft and then plonk a table top onto it and pretend it is a garden table. The latter approach never works because it is always in the wrong place and you end up sitting around this makeshift table in obscure corners of your garden.

If you have to get rid of a Palm cut the trunk to about 12ft, cover it in mesh and then grow climbers up it; it can look spectacular in the Summer. But like everything else you need to cut it back in January. The first photo below shows my old Palm tree at the height of Summer covered in climbers including Pink Trumpet Vine. The second photo shows it ready for a trim. The third photo shows it newly trimmed with a hedge trimmer. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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👩🏿‍🦳 Cutting back Dame de Noche. Everyone in Spain should have at least one Dame de Noche (night scented Jasmine). This plant is not what you would call “a looker” but what it lacks in looks it makes up for in scent. If treated properly and pruned at the correct times this plant will produce an intoxicating scent throughout long Summer evenings and is especially valuable if planted close to where you sit out in the evening.

Dame de Noche is pruned twice a year but in different ways. After it’s first flowering in late May/June cut it back by one third and it will flower again from August into the early Autumn. In the January cut back you need to take away two thirds of the plant; be brave it will come back just as vigorously. The first photo below shows my Dame de Noche prior to its second prune. The second photo shows the shorn plant ready to spring into action by mid February. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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🌳 Trimming hedges. This is the second biggest job in the annual cut back as I have lots of mixed flowering hedges. As I walk around our village of Campoverde I see many hedges spilling over walls and fences. This not only gives an untidy look to your garden, but also, it reduces flowering potential as often the hedges are exhausted by flowering on over extended branches. How much you cut back is up to you, but try to trim to a natural boundary like a wall or fence. In addition it is important that you do not trim the sides square as this will just shade the lower branches and lead to die back. Instead try to bevel the trim so that it is wider at the bottom and narrows towards the top.

The photos below give an overall impression of the mammoth task I undertake in hedge trimming – I’m not seeking sympathy only understanding. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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Yes, I know that Christmas is gone and that you are left fat, with no sense of purpose and an empty wallet, but the real fun is about to begin. It’s time for the big annual cut back – hooray! Here in Spain from late December and throughout January you need to cut back all of your perennials, bushes, trees etc; but not succulents. You need to do this for three reasons: First, to reshape your plants; if you don’t you will get uncontrolled growth that will leave you garden looking like a burst cushion. Second, by cutting back you can get rid of weak, diseased and crossing growth that is stopping light reaching the centre of the plant. Third and most importantly it’s great fun and you get to use all your dangerous bits of garden equipment – what’s not to like. Finally in the words of Cruella (my wife) who has been reading a book on motivational Psychotherapy over Christmas – “get out in that garden fat boy”.

30th December: Things I have been doing lately

✂️ Cutting back Canna. You will of course remember that a few posts ago I tied up my Cannas and left them to die back in order that all the goodness from the stems would be fed back into the Corms (ugly bulbs). Well now is the time to cut them right back. With Cannas you need to cut the stems back to about 4 inches from the ground. This length will stop them trying to grow again on last years growth and will also keep the cut and drying stems away from infection by the soil.

The first photo below shows one of my Canna clumps ready for its big cut back. The second photo shows the stems cut back and ready for new growth. The marked areas on the second photo show where the corm has thrown up new plants outside of where I want them. In a few weeks I will dig down and cut these off the mother plant and replant elsewhere. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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💐 Pruning Roses. One of the first plants you need to tackle in the big cut back is Roses. As a rule of thumb, Roses need to be cut back severely. However, before you rush out and hack all your Roses down to the ground it is important that you differentiate between climbers and standard Roses. Climbing Roses are not cut to the ground. Instead you should only do the following:

• Leave the overall height of the plant as you want it to grow and climb.
• Cut out all diseased, crossing or weak branches.
• cut back all side branches by two thirds.

By the end of this process you should have taken away a lot of the side bulk of the plant and encouraged upward growth and new flowering stems ready for the flowers. The first photo below shows one of my climbing Roses before it’s annual prune. The second photo shows it’s new svelte figure. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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Standard Roses are tackled differently. If they are relatively new (in their first year), then cut them back only by a third. If however they are already well established then you can be quite brutal. I will take some plants back to a couple of inches from the ground depending on their stem structure. Again follow the same rules as climbing Roses in terms of cutting out diseased, crossing or weak branches. But then cut the whole thing back to 2 or 3 inches from the ground. Try and aim for a nice open shape of the stems – a bit like a champagne glass – to ensure plenty of light gets into the centre of the plant. The first photo below shows one of my Rose beds ready for pruning whilst the second shows another pruned back. From the second photo you can see that perennial grasses sneak in and grow under the Rose stems. This results in my annual battle to remove the grasses; it not only takes a long time, but also results in severe blood loss, by the end I am positively anaemic. (Click on each photo for an enlarged view).

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🍁 Continue clearing up leaves. By now every leaf should be off your deciduous trees and you should now rake everything up. It is important that you do this for two reasons. Firstly, if left on the soil or gravelled area the leaves will initially smother anything that is underneath them. But secondly, and more importantly they will eventually break down to a fine tilth that will clog your gravelled areas up and present an ideal medium for weeds. The first photo below shows the last of the leaves under my Mulberry tree ready for raking up. The second photo shows the leaves placed into a bag, which I aerate by making holes with a fork. The bag is then set aside for six months to compost down and then added to my compost bins. Cruella (my wife) laughed when she saw the second photo and said if I included it people would think I was stupid. But she has no soul and doesn’t understand the miracle of composting.

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😢 Nero has had an operation. For those of you interested in cute photographs of animals I include below a photo of Nero one of our Labradors. Nero snapped all the ligaments in one of his back legs and now has pins holding his leg on (at great expense). The gardening link is that Nero is the dog who given half a chance will dig up the lawn. I took him for a walk on the beach and he was chasing a ball when his leg just gave way. Cruella claims that I did it on purpose to get my own back on him. But she wasn’t the one carrying the fat, wet sandy sod a quarter of a mile back to the car. And anyway, he started it first.